Children seeing Exs new partner

[DadBobbie]

My soon to be Ex wife and I split just before Christmas. We have 2 sons. 1 is 14 and requires 24 hour care and the other is 7. We kept it amicable for the first few months while I sorted somewhere to live and conparented well but I noticed after a a few weeks she had changed/ she started staying out late/ got a load of tattoos, started smoking and vaping and swearing in front of our youngest. Which I’m completely against as he’s young and I don’t want him herring these things/ anytime o would ask her to stop she would fly off the handle saying what she does is none of my business now even though our son is involved.

eventually with her behaviour I questioned her and asked if she was seeing someone which she admitted she was. When our youngest got unwell and was vomiting a few days later she was out. I called her to ask her to come back as i couldn’t sort him out and our eldest who had needs. He can get sick easily if any bugs get near him and he needed meds etc. she came back for 10 minutes then said she was leaving again while our son was crying on her lap saying he wanted her and felt unwell. She promised to be back by his bed time but didn’t get home till gone 2am. He sat on his bed for hours waiting for her and refused to sleep. We had a massive row over this then she went away last minute with this guy hours away whilst our eldest was very u well with nurses at the house/. I called her and told her to come back and this of course started another argument

i finally moved out and she left the guy stating he had some massive red flags. Stated she wanted to be single to sort out the kids and the home and get a stable base with me so we could conparent considering our circumstances

we made a decision that if either of us got a partner we would meet them before the kids were involved. She left this guy barely a month ago and for a couple of weeks we got on really well then she started getting funny again. I called her out and she said she’s seeing another new guy barely weeks after the last one. She’s also taken our son along to meet him several times and been out with them for the day when she promised any new person would be met first.

im very protective of my children and to my son we only separated 3 months ago because i was still in the family home until then and we didn’t want to upset him. We have barely been separated 8 months and including me she is on her 3rd relationship she’s picked up a load of bad habits and she’s lying

I’ll be honest with the first guy I lost my rag because she knew him before so I didn’t believe there was nothing happening so I threatened him quite extensively and I don’t regret it. Turns out he was a complete nut job.

but am I wrong for wanting to know who is around my children and being ok with it? Our youngest will be deveststed when she says this guy is her bf as he keeps asking when we are going to live together again but she wants them to spend time together in the holidays. Our youngest has already asked not to see him as much but she said he just needs to get used to him

im due to meet him soon. I don’t want to go in guns blazing but I will be laying down the law in terms of his involvement etc. just looking for peoples feedbaxk

You don't have a lot of room to talk considering you think it's acceptable to 'extensively threaten' someone, and use the age old tactic of calling your ex because a child is sick when she's off doing something you don't like. And you want to meet her boyfriend to "lay down the law".

Given how controlling you sound I'll take the rest of what you say with a pinch of salt tbh.

It sounds like a mess overall. She either hid her true self quite successfully for the duration of your marriage or she is having some sort of crisis, akin to a midlife one that is usually described in terms of men. For someone to suddenly, get loads of tattoos, start cursing (and in front of kids), lie, and then make promises to their children and fail to fulfill them are all huge red flags . . . IF none of this was present before.

If she has a past that included addiction, I would be keeping my eyes open for signs of this.

If you made promises that you would not expose your children to partners until the other parent had met the partner first, and she is already back-tracking on this, then I suggest you get these things more solidified, if possible, in legal agreements that you would then be able to attempt to enforce. These details, if both of you agree, can be a part of the custody agreements. Further, if you fear that she is not a good influence, you can attempt to get your children for more time than her, and you will likely be paying less in support. Given she has adopted a lifestyle that keeps her out late at night, she may actually be okay with it.

The other thing that must be mentioned is that you do NOT describe, in any way, what led to the end of your marriage, what your role has been in the past in taking care of your children, and whether she has been the default parent in these situations, especially, with your fourteen-year-old who has special needs. If she has always been the one to see to his needs, with you only assisting periodically, she could be extremely burned out, and perhaps the resentment for caregiving also led to your breakup.

The situation you describe with your youngest son feeling unwell, and you calling her to come over even though it was not her night to have custody because "you couldn't sort it out" is the clue that makes me think she is burned out because you have historically always deferred to her. This was a situation where you should have not called her. It was a stomach bug, nothing more, and while certainly your child wanted his mother, this is where you had to establish that "you" had to be enough. You are continuing this type of "deferment" which means that time she thought she had to herself is suddenly taken away, as it always was.

Of course, if it was something serious she should be called, but you had nursing care for your other son. There was absolutely no reason why you couldn't find a way to "sort it out" with your youngest.

You’re not wrong to be frustrated, but this is what happens with a breakup. You no longer have any say over the parenting that happens when they’re with her - that includes the men she sees and when she wants to introduce her kids, unless there’s abuse (which it doesn’t sound like).

You also should not be threatening, or ‘laying down the law’ ~ with ANYBODY. She doesn’t have to let you meet who she’s dating, and I’d imagine she’ll stop quickly if you keep interrogating them!

Neither of you seem to be covering yourself in glory. Maybe she doesn't want you meeting her new boyfriend after you threatened the old one.

Appreciate the feedback from everyone regardless of your views. It has been messy at points

for clarity on a couple of bits

when I called her back when our son was unwell it wasn’t a custody situation. I was still in the family home/ it was a last minute decision to go out. Also it wasn’t because I was unable to handle some sick. Our eldest is Pallative (dying) so even going near him you need to scrub up etc as he is vulnerable and having sick on me and then going near him is high risk. And the youngest was still unwell and upset and wanting his mum so it’s a lot to juggle.

the marriage ended when I didn’t show support to her life choices and how often she was out the family home. She also told me she hadn’t loved me for some time

i threatened the other guy because he has started trying to say he could look after our son etc and was getting pushy with her/ they had been dating weeks and I hadn’t met him. Her friends also questioned him as a partner saying he was odd

she doesn’t do drugs and as a mum she’s fantastic but she does have an addictive personality and very reactive. She is very impulsive and doesn’t like when people don’t agree with her choices (me or others)

in regards to the new person the laying the law is that he is to be polite to our son but not to step in. I’m probably drawing on bad experiences but my mum went through several partners when I was at a similar age and she was a mess. There was shouting screaming domestic violence and I had to witness that because she would date the first guy who looked at her and it feels like it’s happening here as well. I know I shouldn’t compare but it’s turning on to the same situation

in in regards to caring for our children I’m exceptionally involved. I still see them every day do school runs sleepovers trips and even go and sit with them so she can go out a couple nights a week so I’m a very involved parent

all I’m after is that I’m not lied to about who is around the kids and that I know who they are beforehand

its easy for me to say but I don’t believe she makes good choices when she’s in this mindset and it’s affecting everyone/ our son is asking whey she is out so much and im trying to juggle keeping him happy and I want her to be happy and healthy for the children’s sake but she seems to want to have this midlife crisis

You both sound as bad as each other. You can’t go around threatening people because you don’t like them, but she shouldn’t be introducing random men to the kids so soon either

I would like to know her side of the story.

She didn’t admit to going out with someone. You admit to a wrong doing, seeing someone when you’re single is not doing some thing wrong.

Doing 2 evenings out of 7 isn’t exceptionally involved. It isn’t even 50/50.

She is an adult, she can and should make her own choices.

I can't imagine why you called her to come back when your son puked, could you really not handle that by yourself?

Also you might benefit from anger management classes.

I said I sit at her house 2 evenings a week so she can go out. I don’t know how many parent you know that go on date nights or see their friends more than 2 or 3 times a week but they must be lucky. I also have out youngest between 2/4 nights a week depending on work so I see or have them 5/6 times a a week (that’s just the evenings) there is also afternoons and school pick ups I have him on my shifts so she can go the the gym etc so I’m dojng far more than 2 evenings which I love. I would have them live with me if I could

Seeing someone wasn’t the wrong doing it was the lying and hiding things (she doesn’t owe me anything in regards to who she’s seeing etc I get that’s her business) but when our son is sleeping time with this person and we promised each other some insight on this it’s exceptionally hurtful and makes mistrust grow

I wouldn't post on here your a man you will just get a kicking whatever you do ,I'm very sorry to hear about your oldest child.

Please see my response. It wasn’t just puke. In all honesty it was both ends and our eldest needed care at the same time (I was alone and he’s Pallative. No nurse at this time)

having one child having a seizure another curled up crying on the floor being sick yes I needed their mother back and won’t feel bad for admitting our children at that time needed both their parents

It wasent just a bit of sick his child is dying have a bit of compassion.

I didn't see his subsequent post before I posted. Apologies Op.

This thread is pointless. All you want is people to agree that your ex is an awful mother and needs to change her behaviour. Even if people did agree with you neither to people of MN or you can change someone else’s behaviour.

@DadBobbie im really sorry to hear about your son. This is a parents worst nightmare, throw a divorce in there and life is about as shit as it can get so no wonder she’s acting out and not thinking rationally.

Your specific scenario aside, you can’t object to who your ex decides to see or have around your children as long as there is no neglect/abuse happening. It’s frustrating but as separated parents you don’t get a say on some things anymore.

I hope you’re both seeking counselling or using any support offered by the hospital and further professionals.

I would just try and have a calm chat with your ex when the time is right and remind her that you both want what’s best for your children and to be there for them as much as possible.

I’m sure emotions are extremely high right now so just be kind to yourself, lean on people and try to remember what’s important.

What part of him having a 14 yo son under palliative care which includes needing strict hygiene controls do you not understand?

he can't be looking after his puking 7 year old & at the same time looking after his dying 14 year old

I'm sorry, it's a lot to deal with.

i can't imagine the pain you're going through with your eldest ❤️‍🩹 and if course you can't look after him and your puking (plus) 7yo, who at that age needs physical & emotional help when so sick.

I'm sorry people are being so vile. It happens all too often on here now.

would it not be easier, to consider living together for a while?? But make it clear to your youngest it's temporary & one day (maybe give him a date, s year!? you can always change it) you will be moving out again. Explain to him that it's better right now if you live together, but that you & mummy love them both, but don't love each other like that anymore. 7 year olds understand the way mummy & daddy love each other isn't the same way you love children, parents etc)

you can't stop her seeing others or introducing them to your kids, all you can do us be there for the kids. Sorry xx

I posted an apology to the Op earlier

I cross posted with you, good of you to apologise BUT he did say in his OP
couldn’t sort him out and our eldest who had needs. He can get sick easily if any bugs get near him and he needed meds etc

so even if he hadn't given further details, that was really enough not to have said what you did.

OK, i accept that.

That's decent of you. Have a good day!

This is an absolutely classic MN post where if you swap the sexes round you’d get completely different answers.

OP, most people on MN hate men.

So let’s be clear, if a man went out to go drinking with a new partner, while leaving his disabled child and sick child with her ex wife to look after, he’d be slated. As it’s a woman doing it, it’s your fault for calling her back when she’s out having fun.

And if a man introduced the kids to a new partner he’d only met a few weeks ago, he’d be a terrible parent for confusing them, and should wait at least a whole year before introductions. But don’t worry, as it’s a woman doing it, it’s fine.

If these roles were reversed a lot off these comments would be telling you to take “him” to the cleaners! But because she is a woman it’s okay and you’re the controlling one. She sounds like a right idiot and is putting her self first before her kids and acting like an idiot. I’d tell her to sort her self out or she’s not seeing the kids, what kind of mother can have her chile crying in her lap and leave for a man? And taking her kids to meet a man she has known for five minites after you BOTH agreed not to do this! She sounds like a nightmare! And I’m a woman before anyone starts!

Me too, extremely sorry about your elder child. I don't think she is much of a mother if she can't be bothered to look after a young sick child who is upset and asking for her.

It sounds to me like your ex may be struggling to cope and is running away from the situation at home because it’s so overwhelming. The multiple partners may well be because she wants something for herself and needs to feel loved and cared for in a situation where she feels helpless. Perhaps gently try to suggest she seeks support to get some coping strategies in place, particularly with what’s ahead with your son. I can’t imagine how tough it must be for you both.