Children seeing Exs new partner

[DadBobbie]

My soon to be Ex wife and I split just before Christmas. We have 2 sons. 1 is 14 and requires 24 hour care and the other is 7. We kept it amicable for the first few months while I sorted somewhere to live and conparented well but I noticed after a a few weeks she had changed/ she started staying out late/ got a load of tattoos, started smoking and vaping and swearing in front of our youngest. Which I’m completely against as he’s young and I don’t want him herring these things/ anytime o would ask her to stop she would fly off the handle saying what she does is none of my business now even though our son is involved.

eventually with her behaviour I questioned her and asked if she was seeing someone which she admitted she was. When our youngest got unwell and was vomiting a few days later she was out. I called her to ask her to come back as i couldn’t sort him out and our eldest who had needs. He can get sick easily if any bugs get near him and he needed meds etc. she came back for 10 minutes then said she was leaving again while our son was crying on her lap saying he wanted her and felt unwell. She promised to be back by his bed time but didn’t get home till gone 2am. He sat on his bed for hours waiting for her and refused to sleep. We had a massive row over this then she went away last minute with this guy hours away whilst our eldest was very u well with nurses at the house/. I called her and told her to come back and this of course started another argument

i finally moved out and she left the guy stating he had some massive red flags. Stated she wanted to be single to sort out the kids and the home and get a stable base with me so we could conparent considering our circumstances

we made a decision that if either of us got a partner we would meet them before the kids were involved. She left this guy barely a month ago and for a couple of weeks we got on really well then she started getting funny again. I called her out and she said she’s seeing another new guy barely weeks after the last one. She’s also taken our son along to meet him several times and been out with them for the day when she promised any new person would be met first.

im very protective of my children and to my son we only separated 3 months ago because i was still in the family home until then and we didn’t want to upset him. We have barely been separated 8 months and including me she is on her 3rd relationship she’s picked up a load of bad habits and she’s lying

I’ll be honest with the first guy I lost my rag because she knew him before so I didn’t believe there was nothing happening so I threatened him quite extensively and I don’t regret it. Turns out he was a complete nut job.

but am I wrong for wanting to know who is around my children and being ok with it? Our youngest will be deveststed when she says this guy is her bf as he keeps asking when we are going to live together again but she wants them to spend time together in the holidays. Our youngest has already asked not to see him as much but she said he just needs to get used to him

im due to meet him soon. I don’t want to go in guns blazing but I will be laying down the law in terms of his involvement etc. just looking for peoples feedbaxk

There are some really odd responses on this thread from people calling the OP “controlling” and defending the ex’s “right” to do what she wants. HER SON IS AT HOME ON PALLIATIVE CARE! What sort of person prioritises their sex life over caring for their own dying child? The OP is probably at the end of his rope trying to care for these kids and she’s off out till all hours with the boyfriend of the week. She sounds awful and if this was the other way around and it was mum at home with the kids, the bloke would be getting a right old slating. Mumsnet is very weird.

This is the vibe I got. Its not the norm to suddenly get tattoos, date 3 guys in quick succession and leave your child when theyre crying for you when that's never been your pattern of behaviour. To have to cope with what you are coping with your eldest is most parents worst ever fear. I would be inclined to think she breaking under the pain, fear and pressure. Hats of to you for managing yourself how you are, I know if the shoe was on my foot id be crippled with anxiety.
Do you think she would be receptive to getting some support?

Yep either posters haven't read the Op,s posts properly or they are so consumed with putting the boot in becsuse it's a man posting they don't care about the circumstances.

My heart goes out to you and your children, l can't Imagine what you are going through, your little boy will need lots of help to survive this situation.

I’m so sorry about your son. I’m not perfect but personally couldn’t do what she is doing. But then I haven’t lived with the stress and terror of having a terminally ill child. It does sound like she could be struggling in her own way, like some kind of mid-life crisis.

It's a very difficult situation. My heart hurts for all of you.
I'm sorry, life didn't work out for you both as planned, best of luck with your DS.
Life is out of control for both of you.

The more I read the more complicated this seems. Of course on the surface then yes her behaviour is out of order but after hearing more about the caring responsibilities you both have I do suspect that her behaviour is her way, albeit not a very healthy way, of escaping or coping.

Caring for a very sick or disabled child is incredibly challenging and she is clearly not coping and it has also likely contributed to the demise of your relationship. Of course this isn't fair on you and you seem to be holding it all together for everyone. Her coping abilities....ir lack of are likely rooted in her own upbringing and mental health. She no doubt needs some serious therapy to get back on track. I doubt going in heavy handed is going to help here and you can't really control who she introduces the kids to but I think you need to have a conversation with her where you make it really clear how disruptive these fleeting relationships will be to your kids when life is already so challenging.