How can I not get angry at my child?

[Helpeith]

Please help me I want to get better for next academic year so looking for advice now. When I’m helping my daughter with her homework and explain anything she gets wrong she just screams at me “YES I know”, when she clearly doesn’t as she gets it wrong and then calmly ask her to explain to me if she understands and she isn’t able to. She will be in year 6 and teacher has expressed concern with her maths and she’s slightly below where she should be, school has given me homework to do especially for her to get her to the level she needs.

I don’t want to be rude but I often find mumsnet threads derail from any off hand single comment the OP makes - I’m really appreciate of responses i will get but can i please get advice on how to deal with the “arrogance” rather than any underlying issues which I know and school know so no need to go into depth. Basically I need help in how not to get frustrated with her screaming she knows when she clearly doesn’t. She’s really lovely in school but with me she’s quite arrogant. Not just in learning but household stuff she tells me I’m doing it wrong (I think she gets from MIL, as mil takes delight in telling me I’m wrong)

im really scared of responses I will get , I genuinely want advice on how to deal with the “YES I KNow” and she put her fingers in her ears and stops me from explaining to her. She does this to my husband too but he just walks off and says he doesn’t have time for this. He’s a secondary school economics teacher btw and his maths knowledge is far superior to mine. I’m not claiming to be an expert but she does t even let me finish my sentence before she starts screaming and ignoring me,

I work with kids and I also have a year 6 DD.

Firstly, this is a tough age. Your DD will be starting to become more self conscious, hormones will be coming into play, and she's still learning how to regulate her emotions. As other's have said, its not "arrogance". She's embarrassed and frustrated because she finds Maths hard. It's really difficult for kids who struggle in core subjects because they have to do them every single day at school. Your DD now associates Maths with feeling embarrassed and frustrated, which will make her resent having to do it, especially in her own time at home.

My advice would be don't let home-work become a battle ground. If she associates homework with everyone getting upset, it will start to become a source of anxiety for her and kids can't learn effectively when they're anxious. I agree with pp that it's in everyone's interests to get her a tutor if you can afford it. That way, however hard she finds Maths it's not going to get in the way of your relationship with her and won't impact on family life.

Talk to the school. Tell them the truth, that homework has become such a source of stress for your DD that it's impacting your family life, you feel it's affecting your relationship with her and she isn't deriving any educational benefit from it because she's getting too upset to learn. Lots of schools have homework clubs so kids can get it done at school and then relax at home so that's worth checking.

Also, you need to model self-compassion. Stop giving yourself such a hard time. You're not an "awful person" because your instinct when shouted at is to shout back. You clearly care, you're trying and none of this is easy. Your DH is also not helping the situation by opting out and walking away anytime things get difficult.

I was like this as a child - I absolutely hated my parents trying to help me with my homework because (a) it felt like a reprimand or a punishment even though they didn’t mean it to be (b) they approached maths differently from how I was taught at school and it was incredibly confusing (c) I simply can’t learn or focus with someone breathing down my neck, scrutinising what I’m doing, with an investment in my doing it better than I am.

Also, the problem for me was not one of comprehension, but information retrieval - I did actually know the material, I understood all the concepts, I just couldn’t recover any of it from my brain under pressure - it all turned to chaotic nonsense. There wasn’t a way to explain this to anyone.

(FWIW I was diagnosed in adulthood with dyscalculia and ADHD which made sense of this experience for me)

WHAT HELPED:

Getting a very patient tutor - a gentle retired teacher who’d seen it all, who was familiar with the way maths was taught at my school, and was not related to me in any way. And his accountability was to me and my learning, not to my parents and their anxiety to see me catch up and progress.

I just could never learn anything from my parents. I don’t think it’s that unusual, though it is frustrating.

My child is just the same as I was, and now the shoe’s on the other foot I absolutely get how frustrating it is not to be able to help, and to have your child scream ‘I KNOW!!’ When all evidence suggests otherwise.

It’s hard, but in some senses your DH may be right - you may not be the right people to help with this, just because you’re her parents. It may not be a good use of your relationship with your DD.