How can I not get angry at my child?

[Helpeith]

Please help me I want to get better for next academic year so looking for advice now. When I’m helping my daughter with her homework and explain anything she gets wrong she just screams at me “YES I know”, when she clearly doesn’t as she gets it wrong and then calmly ask her to explain to me if she understands and she isn’t able to. She will be in year 6 and teacher has expressed concern with her maths and she’s slightly below where she should be, school has given me homework to do especially for her to get her to the level she needs.

I don’t want to be rude but I often find mumsnet threads derail from any off hand single comment the OP makes - I’m really appreciate of responses i will get but can i please get advice on how to deal with the “arrogance” rather than any underlying issues which I know and school know so no need to go into depth. Basically I need help in how not to get frustrated with her screaming she knows when she clearly doesn’t. She’s really lovely in school but with me she’s quite arrogant. Not just in learning but household stuff she tells me I’m doing it wrong (I think she gets from MIL, as mil takes delight in telling me I’m wrong)

im really scared of responses I will get , I genuinely want advice on how to deal with the “YES I KNow” and she put her fingers in her ears and stops me from explaining to her. She does this to my husband too but he just walks off and says he doesn’t have time for this. He’s a secondary school economics teacher btw and his maths knowledge is far superior to mine. I’m not claiming to be an expert but she does t even let me finish my sentence before she starts screaming and ignoring me,

Can you get her a tutor? Some kids just really don't do well with parents helping. Do you both work full time? Could also be that she just gets not much time with you both and now rather than 'positive attention' she's having to do work with you in the few hours you're together, she's ashamed/embarrassed and frustrated.

If you were previously uninvolved in her homework and now getting onto her about it, it feels very targeted. You say you don't like how your MIL says you do everything wrong, and now you're only involved in her homework on the subject she is struggling in to tell her how she's getting it all wrong! You're (unintentionally) possibly doing to her what you hate your MIL doing to you. Are you also helping with other homework where she's doing well and heaping praise and telling her how clever she is at those things?

My sympathies - it's not easy, been there and also hated myself.

My DS thinks they should know everything and hates the fact there's things they don't know. And he responds like your DD. He puts himself under immense pressure.

His father stopped 'helping' with homework because he'd show him what to do and over-explain. And they'd both get frustrated. It was just awful.

After many tense situations our methods are;
Work it out together. I act like I haven't a clue either and we work together (they mainly take the lead) on suggesting what to do. it becomes an equal discussion not me telling them. We might look at a You Tube video if tricky.
I think they manage this as they feel in control.

We might not get through everything and that's fine - he's learnt something and spent time on it.

Or they highlight the problem and ask the teacher at school.

Apologise, hug, revise your tactics and don't be too hard on yourself. It's a drlightfully hard part about learning about parenting.

What happens/what is said before the I know? What’s the mood/setup when she starts doing her work? Are her mistakes due to lack of understanding of basic concepts, or because she’s rushing/not paying attention?

Some things to try :

• ask her to show you her working out / explain her process in a non confrontational /curiosity kind of way.A lot of kids see the mistake when going over it/ explaining it to someone else.
• if applicable, say something like “let’s draw it out” , it might be that seeing a visual helps her understanding.
• say things like “let’s try this way” and show her a different method of doing things.
• don’t say things like it’s easy, she should know this etc. Admit if you find some questions tricky or if you found maths tricky in school and what helps. Admit you made mistakes and even do some now . Pretend if that’s not the case.

What is she struggling with mostly? Focus on the basics, place value, times tables , order of operations, missing numbers, column method.

Get her a tutor, a recent school leaver.
Someone who will teach her without pressure or an attitude.
Back off the helicopter parenting while she is doing her homework.
I would find you irritating too, if you continue to badger her, she'll get worse.
Let her breath.
My Dad was always shouting when we done our homework, none of us liked him.

I agree with this. You're her mum, not her teacher. It would be best to have a completely independent third party helping her.
She is not drastically behind. And do remember not all kids are academic. He skills may lie elsewhere.
Why not ask a local sixth former doing A Level maths to help her. This will be someone a bit closer to her age, and she will likely lay off the back chat. That way you can keep your relationship as just parent-child.

Also it can be hard for them because our explanations is different to the teacher, even if it explains the same. If they struggle to understand one explanation, having to try to understand another is just added stress and frustration.

My kids were the same until I turned it around and asked them to tell me how I could help. We would go through the exercise, let them explain it to me, which often was enough for the penny to drop. If not, I'll wait for them to ask me a specific question which I'd answer.

Sooooo much better that way!

I hear you, OP.

I'm a teacher. I have plenty of patience with other people's kids, but my own? That, "I KNOWWWWWWW!" really pushes my buttons!

I ask her to try first, and to ask me for help if she needs it. Then I muster all my patience, go through things calmly, remember I'm a duck, and have a glass of wine after.

Sometimes I do a swap with my best friend who is also a teacher - I do her kids, she does mine. For the same reason!

Get a tutor. she won’t listen to you because you’re Mum. I was a tutor and some of my tutees’ parents were teachers and SENDCOs.

can i please get advice on how to deal with the “arrogance”

My top advice would be stop thinking of it as "arrogance." She's overwhelmed, frustrated, and defensive, and that's likely to be because of your relationship with her, which has been led by you. Stop thinking of this as her fault or a flaw in her personality.

Your dd will know that maths is a weakness and her “I know” is an attempt to not feel embarrassment about being “stupid”. I’m not saying she’s stupid btw , but she may feel like that and call herself that.

Have you started at too difficult a point? You might want to ease into things by starting at an earlier point. For example if she’s struggling with 2 digit multiplication, do some 1 digit for a few days for confidence.

It’s very common at her age to pretend that she’s not struggling and pretend it’s all fine. She’s not being arrogant - she doesn’t want to admit that it’s hard. She’s not 5 so won’t be honest and say she can’t do it or she doesn’t understand. This kind of behaviour will continue into puberty and she will learn that when you ask if she has an umbrella when she goes out it’s because this is England and it frequently rains, not because you’re annoying and trying to ruin her life.

It’s super common to clash with your child when you teach them. It’s why people use tutors at primary age. The parents know how to do the maths but the child will be less embarrassed asking questions and looking “weak” in front of a stranger than you.

Next time you’re feeling angry, it’s time for a tactical toilet break or similar. Don’t ruin your relationship with her.

Could you let her do the homework alone in pencil, and then go through it with her afterwards correcting any mistakes, perhaps showing the working out etc and then go over it in pen? Or is it all done on a computer / tablet? Omg am i a dinosaur? Im 40 and my twins start school in sept 😁

I used to be a primary teacher and now have two kids of my own. Children often respond badly to their parents trying to teach them - it could be to do with not wanting to seem 'stupid' in front of a beloved parent or due to personalities or teaching style. When I was a teacher parents would often complain their children didn't listen or got upset -my advice was usually to lay off teaching and just focus on supporting and encouraging instead.

There's some great advice already about dealing with your daughter's responses.
If she has problems with Maths in general, is giving her more of the same over the summer holidays that helpful? And is it all maths, or very specific aspects? My son also hates me correcting him, so we do maths online and it's a lot easier for him to take when the computer tells him it's wrong! Then I can help explain the bits where he's confused.
There's so many maths apps - Duolingo, Beast academy, doodle maths, Albert jr, Mathseeds, and plenty more.
Also, make sure you're giving her lots of opportunities to do the kind of thing she excels at, only focusing on the tough stuff will just make everything worse because it's eroding her confidence.

Honestly, if you can afford it, I think you'd be better off getting her a weekly tutor. Or into a local tutoring group which would cost less.

It doesn't always work for a parent/child relationship for the parent to try to take over some of the teaching themselves.

You are an adult
You are in control of your behaviour
You should model calm take a deep breath behaviour

She is a growing tween with hormones still learning
Show her how to walk away calmly

Read "how to talk so kids will listen...."

How ?
Practice
Do not open your mouth.
Count to 10
Breathe
Walk away
You are in control of your reaction

My daughter is this age and is very much like this. Maybe it's developmental! Great student in school. Awful to do anything with at home. She is dyslexic and that comes out on her maths and spelling mainly. I would love to do more to support her but it just doesn't work and it's damaging for our relationship because I end up threatening, bribing, getting cross, and she kicks against it. I read a book recently called dyslexia at home, and it really highlighted for me that my role is to support her and advocate for her, not to teach her. On the back of that I am going down the route of paying for a tutor. She's had a few sessions that seem to have been a big help, I know she has used the things she was shown. She's on a waitlist for regular sessions.

I've been there! Hugs, op

I would focus on giving her stuff she CAN do but takes a little time and so building confidence and fluency. Stop expecting to teach her new things for a while.

I agree with getting a tutor, especially as she works well in school. I would step back from teaching entirely - unless she comes to you for help. She needs a calm and peaceful home and a non - adversarial relationship with her mother first and foremost.

Listen, I don’t want to brag. But my teenager knows everything. All the time, whatever I’ve said to her. She knows.

You will need to get used to that one, it doesn’t stop. Just breathe and move on to the next thing.

Ask her how she would like you to help her. I find it’s useful with my extremely knowledgeable teenager to ask her to show me how she thinks a problem is done. If she has no idea, I ask her to show me how it would start. If she still doesn’t know, I’ll say “let’s try to figure it out”. Pretending I don’t know is catnip to my teenager, she loves to show me what she knows!

When my teens asked me a question at around age 16, I realised that they’d transitioned from teen to adult. They didn’t see asking or not knowing something as a weakness and that when you’re an adult there’s plenty you don’t know. When they were younger, they’d often say “being an adult is so easy” and be desperate to grow up but later realised that being a child is so much easier.

You pay for a maths tutor!

My child screams at me over homework. She is 15 now. She's done it since primary (COVID home tutoring child).

I now throw money at the problem. It's frustrating because I am actually a maths tutor myself. But I cannot teach my own child. It's better for all our sakes that someone else does it.

As the teacher has expressed concern about her maths could you get a tutor?

My eldest is a bit like this, and it's really frustrating. I agree with others about trying to get someone else to help - a tutor if possible, but if not, you could use YouTube videos, revision books, audio cards/CDs etc.

I also try to model not knowing things and asking for help in front of her. I tell her about mistakes I make at work and how I tried to fix them etc.