To feel sad about DS loss of BFF

[Celeste123]

Is it common for long standing childhood friendships to end in secondary school?
DS had an absolute best friend all through primary school, from reception to yr 6.
They were well known as being best friends and people used to say to me "They'll be friends for life those 2" because they were so close. My phone is filled with pictures of the 2 of them smiling and laughing together all through the ages from age 5 till 11.
Our families became good friends and we all spent days out together, meals at each others houses, birthdays together, met up in school hols, BBQs, camping trips, pub lunches, etc.
At the very end of yr 6 DS and BF hit problems and began to fall out. DS didn't like the way BF had suddenly started to behave towards him and towards other kids at school. BF suddenly - from around Easter of yr 6 onwards - developed lots of shouting, ordering around, setting extreme rules, name calling, mocking, put down comments, aggressive behaviour, controlling behaviour, paranoid thoughts, obsessive behaviour, threats, began telling a lot of lies about DS and then after all that he dumped DS to go and hang out with what he saw as the 'cool boys'. DS started pushing back at him at start of yr 7 and it led to a fall out, culminating in BF hitting DS.
BF's mum tried to repair their falling out and kept asking me if we (DS, me, her and her DS) would meet up for a sit down discussion about their friendship problems. But DS didn't want to do this and very clearly said to me that he had been treated really badly by BF for months by that point (turns out it had been going on for longer than I'd realised) and that he didn't want to sit down in a meeting and talk through friendship issues when his friend was treating him so badly that DS had started to develop anxiety in response to all the shouting and aggression and being lied about by said friend.
Me and DH completely agreed with him on this and became angry that the mum kept pushing for a meeting to talk about their friendship. I saw it as my duty to stand by DS's wishes and respect him not wanting to meet to discuss these problems. His BF's behaviour was already causing him anxiety and the thought of sitting down with him and his mother caused him even greater anxiety. I completely understood why he didn't want to have this meeting, and I didn't want to have a meeting either because by now I didn't want to repair their friendship, I wanted to keep DS away from his behaviour, not meet up to put him back in to a toxic situation.
When I declined to meet up, the friend's DM, by now a good friend of mine, kept pushing to meet up for a talk. The more I said No, the more she pushed. Ultimately that led to her getting cross with me and we stopped talking and our friendship came to a halt.
Then I found out she was talking about my DS to mutual friends and telling them things about him that aren't true (lies that her DS had told her). This made me livid. I never said a word about her DS's behaviour to any mutual friends as I considered it morally wrong to speak about another person's child's bad behaviour to mutual friends.
Anyway, we've now reached the end of year 8 and the 2 of them haven't spoken for the past 2 years. They're at the same secondary school together and are in the same classes for some subjects. And as adult friends we haven't spoken either.
I asked DS the other day how he's feeling about ex-BF now, and he simply said "I dont know him anymore. He's a completely different person to the one I was friends with through primary school. He really hurt me badly and that lasted for a long time, but I've moved on now and I'm getting on with my life".
When this friend first dumped him, DS was lost and very upset and went through quite a horrible time for the first few months of yr 7 because of it. His BF was going round school telling everyone he wanted DS to die, and everyone was reporting this to DS and it had a pretty bad impact on him.
But over the past 18 months, DS has made new friends at school and has strengthened previously existing friendships. He now has a variety of different friends, instead of 1 significant main best friend. These friends call for him, invite him out, make plans with him, he gets birthday party invites, goes for days out with them, has sleepovers with them, and they're all different friends so he hasn't got one particular set of friends.
Yet still, I can't help feeling sad about DS losing his BF like that, and in that way.
I'm sad that a friendship that DS loved so much through all of his younger childhood years ended so badly and no longer exists. They've got so many years of shared happy memories up until the age of 10/11. DS genuinely loved him up until his behaviour towards DS radically changed in second half of yr 6.
So.......what I'd like to know is, is it common or uncommon for long standing (as in years long) primary school best friend friendships to die a death at the start of secondary school?
I don't know anyone else in this situation.
I see so many children in DS's year group all hanging out happily together at the park, who are in yr 8 now and have been best friends since they started primary school or even nursery.
Feels like DS is the only one this has happened to which is what's making me sad for him.

But it was you who went scorched earth on the friendship with the parents, sounds like the mum really wanted to work things out and you flat out refused. There is no reason why you couldn't have met up with her one on one and both agreed to stay out of the boy's friendship while continuing your own.

I completely agree. It never ceases to amaze me how over involved and invested some parents are on here.

My mum was friends with some of the parents of my friends but that was always seperate from my frienships. In fact I had a big falling out with a close with a school friend about 10 years ago and haven't spoken since and our parents are still close friends and go on holiday together! My mum couldn't have told you anything about what went on in my friendships and we were all the better for it!

BF's mum tried to repair their falling out and kept asking me if we (DS, me, her and her DS) would meet up for a sit down discussion about their friendship problems. But DS didn't want to do this

That was what OP wrote

I think this is so, so, so normal, and you’re overreacting hugely. Your son is fine, he has a great group of new friends, why are you still fixating on a friend he lost touch with two years ago? It’s SO normal from that transition from primary to high school.
My primary school best friend moved away at the end of year 5 and I remember lots of tears the last time we spent time together, then off she went, I went round to her new house for tea once a few weeks later and then after that, never saw her again. And just…moved on with other friends. Then when leaving Primary at the end of year 6, one mum had a little bbq for about 8 of us, we all cried, hugged, said how sad we were that we were going on different schools. Then after that, barely saw each other and we just cracked on and made new friends in high school. I really can’t imagine my mum having such strong feelings about it!

This is quite common - in fact when I started reading I did wonder if it was my DS ex BFF Mum writing!
I think that it more unusual to have friends from Primary School.
It is very positive that he has gone on to make other friends, although I do understand that it’s sad that memories of a primary school friendship are tainted by the following behaviour.

I haven't voted, as, like many others, I would vote that it is perfectly normal / common / usual for friendships to change as they move to secondary school.

OTOH, YABU to be so invested in your dc's friendship(s). It all just sounds so dramatic and unnecessary.

Really common

I dumped all my primary school friends as soon as I hit secondary.

But have life long friends from my area who I didn't go to school with who I met around that 5-8 year old range

It's an absolute lottery as to whether someone you befriended at 5 will still be compatible at 13

I think friends come and go, family is forever. So invest time and effort into siblings / cousins over friends maybe, and probably a good idea to have more than one friend and learn to defend himself l. It's sad but I feel generally true.

This is such a sad outlook on life. Cousins over friends? I don't know anyone who is closer to their cousins as friends as adults.

Friends play such an important part of a child's development and for adults too in terms of building communities and lessening loneliness. I think it would be so harmful to your child to bring them up with this attitude. We should be encouraging our children to look outwards and to build bonds with others rather than encouraging them to isolate themselves with only family as friendship. What if they don't get on with their siblings or their siblings move away. How are they going to navigate life or be less lonely if they've been actively brought up to not make friends.

We worry about our DC all their lives, and your DS will likely have more friends and change them as he grows up. That is natural. He is growing up and learning to recognise other children for what they are and do. We think we can help our children, through all their difficulties, but that is impossible, and we feel a failure when we cannot, but that is normal too.

Worrying about this first friendship loss is futile, since children rotate friends as they grow up, especially when puberty kicks in.

You have done your best. Now it is up to DS.

My DD and my friends DD were born 4 days apart they were best friends despite going to different schools. My friend and I made a pact if they fell out we would leave it up to them. They did fall out around year 2 of uni. They’re still not speaking but my friend and I mind our own business and continue our friendship

I voted YABU but simply because you’re overinvested in something that your DS has moved on from long ago. FWIW the change in friendships at that age is VERY common, it happened with both of mine (they’re much older now) and it can be painful, and also the change of key stage or school at Y7 or Y9 changes a lot of friendships naturally anyway and I still remember numerous other DC having similar experiences. The important thing is not to see it as a ‘bad’ thing but to treat it as an important life lesson for the DC that not all friendships last. Your DS has learnt this but its interesting that you haven’t.

I think you've gone a bit dramatic here! I never said isolate yourself and never have any friends! Just that generally, friends will come and go throughout your life. But family is forever. And in truth, they will always know you better and have stronger connections because of that, but also because you have so many really poinient shared experiences both good and bad that bond you together.

You work in palliative care or even in oncology and you see this quite regularly. Those with family are mentally stronger.

Me and my sister have friends, and our girls have friends, but the one they will go too when the going gets tough, and the one who will be there no matter what at 7 or 70 (as long as living!) will be the sibling not the school friend. My sister loved in Mallorca for years and my hubby's brother lives abroad too. Technology is a brilliant benefit these days and we made the effort.

It is sad, but u think people need to see friends as a friendship that fits that part of their lives because sadly they rarely last lifelong. X

Yes it is common for children to have different friends at secondary school. My sons aren’t in touch with their best friends from primary school. I think you and the ex BF’s mums were very emotionally invested in the boys’ friendship and feel the loss of a whole network of connections and experiences. I remember feeling sad that some of the relationships I had when my boys were young were transitory and I felt betrayed that the other mums didn’t want them to continue after the boys’ friendships fizzled out. As children approach the end of primary school and enter secondary school they start to become more independent. When they’re little they’ll play with whoever is around. It’s great that your son moved on after a painful time and has made new friends. That is so good to hear!

man that was long. They haven’t spoken in two years? Let it go

This all sounds very intense and honestly a bit unhealthy. I think it’s good that your DS has managed to extract himself from this.

Op you need to back off and fast.

Your first mistake was becoming besties with your son’s friends, your second mistake is continuing to pine for a friendship that ended due to abusive behaviour.

I think you miss the friendship and happy times, with the other family not your son. He is flourishing with new friends and moved on. You have not plugged the whole in your own life. Perhaps it’s time to throw a BBQ, make some friends of your own. Be expansive and stop hooking up or piggy backing your son’s relationships, he is old enough now to independently enjoy his own friends. He is growing up and it’s time you adjusted to the new chapter.

Cherish the young happy days, be glad you stood by him with pushy mother. Expand your own horizons.

Your DS has moved on, has friends and is happy. What's the issue?

That is just your experience but many people like me have friends for life. One friend of 47 years, another for 39 years. I would say these friends know me inside and out in a way even my family do not know me. I think life long relationships are not confined to family, that this is just your experience and perspective.

I also don't understand why you and other mum couldn't have continued your friendship outside of the boys?
Exactly this.
With my first son and I was new to all this i assu.ed the really close friendship ds1 had with his mates would have lasted but at secondary he got a new set of mates that he is still close to nearly 15 years later.
Ds2 on the other hand is still really close to two friends ds who he met in reception.
Now they are adults they meet up as ex couples, go out for meals, go to each other's houses, go on holiday etc.

Let your child navigate his own relationship a d boundaries. You can offer advise if he asks for it but never meddle.
Dont be sad either, its part of the growing up process and nothing unusual has happened.

I think that there is something to be valued in a life long friendship and that's why I get feeling internally sad about this. I'd love to have some friends who had both known me when young and been good enough friendships to endure long term though to be fair I can see why this is quite rare.

I think the fact that some people say 'we've been friends since primary school' as something worth sharing suggests that it's not always the case and often children find other friends once they've got more of a choice in senior school. I think it's great that despite pressure your son stuck to his guns and you need to stop asking and dwelling on it.

Yes it happens, a lot.
But it's the reason not to be over invested in your childrens friendships.
You should focus on what a miserable time your son had for a long time, and be delighted that he has the resilience to recover and move on.

This boys mother speaking badly of your son is awful and says so much about her.

I certainly wouldn't be mourning their loss.
Your son probably tolerated more than he wanted to, because the families were so enmeshed.

Polite friendly relationships with friends parents, but becoming involved is not wise in my view.

Children change and move on from some friends, as they grow and mature.

Better that they do that freely, not weighed down by the weight of their parents relationships IMO.

Why are people commenting about OP interfering? She didn’t. The other mum wanted to try and sort it, OP listened to her son and didn;t push them back together.

I get lamenting the loss of a friendship. My daughter had the loveliest friendship with a brilliant girl through primary school. She moved away at the end of P7, and I really missed seeing them together. In high school she’s struggled with friendship groups but she’s doing ok now. One group in particular she was very close with, it was a group of girls she had brought together, they had all been ditched by their previous friend groups in quite a crappy way. She knew all of them individually and encouraged them to hang out. They became quite a tight group, then after about 18 months, they ditched her in the same way they had been ditched. It was horrible, they basically all just stopped talking to her and were walking away whenever she was near, moved seats in classes, stopped doing group work with her. All very “mean girls” stuff. She was devastated, and it was impossible for me not to be involved as it really affected her and she was talking to me about it all the time. I did step in when it became clear these girls were acting in a bullying way, but when it came to my daughter, I encouraged her to move on and stop chasing the friendship. I was friendly with one of the mums and I mentioned how hard my daughter had found it, she had said “oh it’s a shame, but these things happen, I don’t get involved” I told her what they had actually done to her and she was mortified about her daughter’s behaviour. She had only heard one side of it. Another of the mums I had known for years as her daughter was in primary with mine and we were on a fundraising committee together. She called me about a year after it all started. This group had done the same thing to her daughter as she had done to mine, and she found out at that point what her girl had been doing. She was mortified and apologised.

It is entirely wrong to say as parents we shouldn’t be interested or bothered about teenagers’ relationships. Helping them navigate through what can be a really tricky time is no different to teaching them any other life skill. When my sister and I had issues at school, my mum just said “oh just ignore them, play with someone else”. It was no help at all for me, as there were 10 kids in my class at primary. My sister had a harder time, ended up being bullied to the point she basically opted out of education.

@Celeste123 You’ve done a good thing by supporting your son. He has great friends now so be happy for him. The only thing I would have done differently is agreed to talk to the mum about what had gone on. She only has one side of the story and maybe thinks your son just ditched hers. I would have explained what your son had said about the situation and why he didn’t want to be in the friendship any more. That might have made it possible for your relationship to continue with her.

MN is so bloody weird about stuff like this. When I read your PP I knew you would be accused of being dramatic and over-invested.

Personally I think it is completely normal to be invested in our children's friendships. Good friendships are probably the single most important factor in determining whether our children are happy at school, and a huge part of their childhood experience and one that will influence the path of their relationships for the rest their adult lives.

I think it is fucking weird not to be invested TBH. You can be quietly deeply invested in something without it spilling outwards into interference, a point that PPs seem to miss. As for becoming friends with the families of our children's friends - should we keep people we personally like and our children love at arms distance just in case? Say no to spending time together as families when we really enjoy it and our children love it, for fear of being "over invested"?

OP I can completely understand where you are coming from, and I too would feel considerable sadness about this. This friend was obviously a huge part of your DS's time at primary school, and to have it end the way it has does risk leaving those memories tainted in some way if you're not careful to manage your thinking around it. And of course you will feel sadness for the pain it will have caused your DS at the time.

The huge positive though is that the whole experience has shown your DS to have huge strength of character, and it has all worked out well for him. So if you catch yourself feeling sad, I would try to remind yourself of the fact that without this experience, he wouldn't have had the chance to bounce back, discover his resilience, and find his new tribe.