To feel sad about DS loss of BFF

[Celeste123]

Is it common for long standing childhood friendships to end in secondary school?
DS had an absolute best friend all through primary school, from reception to yr 6.
They were well known as being best friends and people used to say to me "They'll be friends for life those 2" because they were so close. My phone is filled with pictures of the 2 of them smiling and laughing together all through the ages from age 5 till 11.
Our families became good friends and we all spent days out together, meals at each others houses, birthdays together, met up in school hols, BBQs, camping trips, pub lunches, etc.
At the very end of yr 6 DS and BF hit problems and began to fall out. DS didn't like the way BF had suddenly started to behave towards him and towards other kids at school. BF suddenly - from around Easter of yr 6 onwards - developed lots of shouting, ordering around, setting extreme rules, name calling, mocking, put down comments, aggressive behaviour, controlling behaviour, paranoid thoughts, obsessive behaviour, threats, began telling a lot of lies about DS and then after all that he dumped DS to go and hang out with what he saw as the 'cool boys'. DS started pushing back at him at start of yr 7 and it led to a fall out, culminating in BF hitting DS.
BF's mum tried to repair their falling out and kept asking me if we (DS, me, her and her DS) would meet up for a sit down discussion about their friendship problems. But DS didn't want to do this and very clearly said to me that he had been treated really badly by BF for months by that point (turns out it had been going on for longer than I'd realised) and that he didn't want to sit down in a meeting and talk through friendship issues when his friend was treating him so badly that DS had started to develop anxiety in response to all the shouting and aggression and being lied about by said friend.
Me and DH completely agreed with him on this and became angry that the mum kept pushing for a meeting to talk about their friendship. I saw it as my duty to stand by DS's wishes and respect him not wanting to meet to discuss these problems. His BF's behaviour was already causing him anxiety and the thought of sitting down with him and his mother caused him even greater anxiety. I completely understood why he didn't want to have this meeting, and I didn't want to have a meeting either because by now I didn't want to repair their friendship, I wanted to keep DS away from his behaviour, not meet up to put him back in to a toxic situation.
When I declined to meet up, the friend's DM, by now a good friend of mine, kept pushing to meet up for a talk. The more I said No, the more she pushed. Ultimately that led to her getting cross with me and we stopped talking and our friendship came to a halt.
Then I found out she was talking about my DS to mutual friends and telling them things about him that aren't true (lies that her DS had told her). This made me livid. I never said a word about her DS's behaviour to any mutual friends as I considered it morally wrong to speak about another person's child's bad behaviour to mutual friends.
Anyway, we've now reached the end of year 8 and the 2 of them haven't spoken for the past 2 years. They're at the same secondary school together and are in the same classes for some subjects. And as adult friends we haven't spoken either.
I asked DS the other day how he's feeling about ex-BF now, and he simply said "I dont know him anymore. He's a completely different person to the one I was friends with through primary school. He really hurt me badly and that lasted for a long time, but I've moved on now and I'm getting on with my life".
When this friend first dumped him, DS was lost and very upset and went through quite a horrible time for the first few months of yr 7 because of it. His BF was going round school telling everyone he wanted DS to die, and everyone was reporting this to DS and it had a pretty bad impact on him.
But over the past 18 months, DS has made new friends at school and has strengthened previously existing friendships. He now has a variety of different friends, instead of 1 significant main best friend. These friends call for him, invite him out, make plans with him, he gets birthday party invites, goes for days out with them, has sleepovers with them, and they're all different friends so he hasn't got one particular set of friends.
Yet still, I can't help feeling sad about DS losing his BF like that, and in that way.
I'm sad that a friendship that DS loved so much through all of his younger childhood years ended so badly and no longer exists. They've got so many years of shared happy memories up until the age of 10/11. DS genuinely loved him up until his behaviour towards DS radically changed in second half of yr 6.
So.......what I'd like to know is, is it common or uncommon for long standing (as in years long) primary school best friend friendships to die a death at the start of secondary school?
I don't know anyone else in this situation.
I see so many children in DS's year group all hanging out happily together at the park, who are in yr 8 now and have been best friends since they started primary school or even nursery.
Feels like DS is the only one this has happened to which is what's making me sad for him.

Yes perfectly normal in year 7 and beyond. My daughter had a whole different group of friends in senior school. She spent the whole of primary and secondary at loggerheads with one particular girl. They hated each other. Year 11 they decided they actually liked each other and now at 19 they’re very close. It’s natural for friendships to fizzle out and new ones to form as they grow up and have separate likes and interests.

My DS (now 18) went through this in Y7. It absolutely broke his heart - the other boy made friends with a load of 'cool' football lads from other primaries, decided that my DS wasn't cool enough to be friends with them (he's not into football at all and is a bit more quirky), and started mocking him to show off to his new friends. He turned all of them against DS and made most of Y7 a misery for him. His other close friend from primary was off for several months (heart surgery), so he was incredibly isolated - some days he would come home from school and cry until he was physically sick. We got the school involved when he started coming home with bruises and they tried to help, but the end result was just that the boys completely ignored each other - I don't think they ever spoke again. The other mother, who had been really friendly in the latter half of primary since the boys became friends, didn't believe that her son had done anything wrong, sent me an absolutely vile text and never spoke to me again. DS was relieved by lockdown, and fortunately by the time they went back to school his other friend was back, but it really damaged his confidence: even years later, he would periodically ask 'Did S ever actually like me?' 😥The worst of it was that they had become friends in the first place because the 'cool' football lads at their primary had turned against the other lad and ejected him from their friendship group and my DS was the only one who stuck up for him, so he bloody well knew how it felt to be bullied, but he did it anyway. Anyway, it's all behind DS now, and he and his other friend from primary are still inseparable, so hopefully your DS will forge deep bonds with his new friends and leave his former friend in the past. It hurts, though, I know

My reading was that the other Mum wanted to meet up with both boys to discuss and OP's DS didn't want to do that given how bullied he had been by this boy

You've been lucky and kept your childhood friends Op but for your DS losing his sounds like a blessing. If the boy has become aggressive and unpleasant then surely that's not the friend you want for your DS, if the boy gets into trouble you'll be glad your DS showed some strength of character and stood up for himself

If you think about it logically...
At 4yo, friendships can be forged over something as simple as both having a Minions lunch box. Or having the same childminder, or their siblings being friends...

As they get older, the friendships start to concentrate on shared hobbies or clubs. They get a wider pool of people to find people they really cluck with.

I had a massive falling out with my "BF" in Yr6. Looking back... she was never that nice to me. Its just her mum was my childminder so we were thrown together. We saw each other about 5 times after Primary school.

My DDs have just finished Yr7 and Yr9... none of their current "Friendship group" actually went to their Primary school. DDD1s group is fully based on the cast of various school productions (different year grouos) and DD2s is various "oddballs" who have found kindred spirits at last.

This is honestly why I think (as both a teacher and a parent) that parents should have the absolute minimum necessary involvement in children’s friendships! What a lot of drama over two small children who have simply outgrown a friendship. By all means organise the odd play date etc when the children are very small but beyond that there is zero need for this much emotional investment! Your DS will have many friendships that ebb and flow throughout his life. How on earth will you cope when his teenage first love girlfriend or boyfriend breaks his heart into pieces? Much less investment from all the adults involved here is what’s needed!

Thank goodness the friendship ended. What a bully!

Why would they want to repair a friendship with a boy who hit him and was shouting, ordering him around, setting extreme rules, name calling, mocking, put down comments, aggressive behaviour, controlling behaviour, paranoid thoughts, obsessive behaviour, threats, began telling a lot of lies, saying he wanted OP's son to die and the mum slagging him off too?

If the OP was close friends with the mother, I would have met up with her and told her about her son's behaviour. It's odd not to if the families were so close. But since the OP refused all attempts at a dialogue at the time, it's a bit too late to be upset over it now.

I think the mother then wanted to meet up with the OP, but the OP refused to meet with her

This friendship with the ex BF turned toxic and your DS had the good sense and good sense of self esteem to walk away from it. Not a bad thing as these exclusive BF relationships can be very claustrophobic and limiting at the best of times.

Your DS has now built a healthy network of friendships with a wide circle and is enjoying a varied social life. A much healthier situation and your DS has told you he is much happier. You should be happy too. Nothing to mourn here. Your DS sounds very mature in his outlook, his approach will serve him well in life.

Ahhh I actually feel your pain. I had a similar situation and it left me feeling awful, but I did work out my feelings were more about my friendships with the two mums involved, I felt let down and betrayed.

Once I’d done that I felt much better and proud of my son for showing such excellent boundaries (boundaries I’ve struggled with so kudos to him) and the ability to make new more rewarding friendships.

Yes it's very common, even more so with boys and Y6 to Y7 is usually when it happens.
Primary schools tend to nurture friendships, secondary kids forge their own....a phrase I've heard recently 'find their people' , not sure how positive that is but it seems to ring true.

The girls that were my best friends in primary school were the same people that made my life absolute hell in secondary so yes, sadly I think it’s very common.

experienced similar,
you will have his friends, maybe girlfriends ? Later on, that come into his and varying degrees your lives,
but you have to accept that things move on, and that’s OK
stop ruminating on what happened and what could of been ….. move on

Perfectly reasonable for you to feel sad. But unreasonable to think it matters much how you feel!

It is sad, but very normal.
Your DS will find his crew too as they'll be others going through the same thing.
As long as there is no bullying, let it slid.

Very common.
mine went through school/sports/social occasions with the same group (8 of them) and they went to high school and some remained together, others weren’t. Always remained friendly enough but not to the same extent… 4yrs later - every one of them are hanging out together again. they all had some growing up to do and ultimately other friendships have formed for them all yet they’re all now included.

kids friendships are fickle - I learnt that a long time ago.

the fact they’re still in the same classes tells me your son knows more about the person he now is and clearly not someone he could ever now envisage being in his life and that’s absolutely fine. You’re still allowed to grieve your friendship and his for that matter but just know it wasn’t meant to be!

This happened to two of my three DC. DC1 was best friends with a boy all the way through primary, then their friendship cooled from year 7 (to be fair this was because they went to different secondary schools - otherwise they might have stayed close). DC2 was more like OP's son's experience - she and her BF fell out in year 6 after years of friendship, and I found out later that the BF had been really mean to DC2. They also went to different secondary schools, but I'm pretty sure they wouldn't have kept in touch anyway as DD really disliked her by that point.

My DS fell out with his BF just before secondary school. They’d been really close and been on family holidays with each other. Life went on.

It does feel like a dagger to the heart at the worst of the bad times, but your DS is through that and he's telling you and you can see that he's A-OK now!

Both my older kids went through friend changes at high school age experimenting with different groups, etc, it's just the natural way.

Friendships change as you meet more people you're compatible with. I had good Friends but met my BFF at age 12, she was the ONE, so lucky to have found her.

There is still so much time for your son to find the one, or more than one.

Got to let them find their own, did your parents interfere with life's natural progression?

My DS had a BF literally from birth all through primary school but it all fell apart at secondary. DS was fine, new friends, but exBF was not and had a really tough time. He was a clever boy, a bit nerdy, worked very hard and eventually became a medic. Their friendship was never going to last because they were so different, but I always felt bad that he’d had such a tough time at secondary school. We did try to talk to my son about it at the time but he wanted to have other friends.

It’s been 2 years…..move on! What’s done is done.

Very normal but sometimes children can reconnect too. You never know, a couple of years down the line, DS’s BF might mature and change. One of my children lost touch with a child from primary school when they went to different secondary schools then reconnected a few years later and are very close again. I think some parents like the fantasy of best friends since childhood and it lasting forever but it’s the exception not the rule. Most people don’t remain best friends for life.