FIL doesn’t want to travel to meet only grandchild

[Sep88]

I’m 37 weeks pregnant with our first baby, conceived after 5 years of IVF. He will probably be our only child because of money and age and I feel so grateful to be in the home stretch.

My husband has an older sister who had a hysterectomy and has no interest in becoming a mum. This will probably be my in laws only grandchild. We live about 500 miles from them and they are in their 70’s.

My parents are coming up for the birth and will be staying a month to help me out, look after the dog and be just be around. DH and I are looking forward to the help and he gets on really well with my family. His mum will be coming up a couple of weeks after my due date- but FIL has decided he is too ill to travel, despite spending 3 days at Goodwood recently and having no actual illness. He had issues with his thyroid 3 years ago, but seems to be manageable and they have been on a couple of Caribbean holidays since. I think he is expecting us to travel down to see him, although we can’t stay with them (another long story)- in laws are still together. They also have (relatively) a lot of money.

I don’t have much of a relationship with them, but I feel so sad and angry for DH that his dad can’t be bothered to come and meet his grandson. MIL is upset and FIL will make her pay for leaving him for 3 nights to come and see us. He is emotional (and possibly financially) abusive. DH is being stoic about the whole thing, saying it will be good for MIL to have a break, but he is disappointed. I’ve set up a WhatsApp group with in laws family to give bump and baby updates and have invited MIL on our holiday next year so she can spend time with the baby.

She’s so excited to be a nanna, but I don’t know how to foster a good relationship with grandparents when FIL is such a negative influence. I swing between thinking he is probably depressed/ mh issues and that he’s just a grumpy spiteful sod. Tbh, I probably wouldn’t want dc to be around him too much anyway, but am angry at the idea of him stopping MIL having a relationship. After 40 years she’s just so beaten down by FIL… any advice on how to manage the situation, foster a good long distance relationship between MIL and the baby?! Or is it a lost cause? Ta!

This issue completely aside, I’m guessing you aren’t all close to your FIL and neither really is your husband?

Half a decade of trying for a baby
a fortnight away from giving birth

i can’t imagine giving a hoot about my abusive FIL not wanting to visit to see my baby, and i find it a little odd that you are focussing on this

This!!

any advice on how to manage the situation, foster a good long distance relationship between MIL and the baby?!

she is a grown assed adult
she’s visiting alone and fil is fine with that it would seem )as long as he doesn’t have to join!)
so…. Just make sure she knows she is welcome and really, that’s that

MIL. is upset and FIL will make her pay for leaving him for 3 nights to come and see us

how do you know?

Hope the birth and arrival of LO goes well!
Don’t let fil drag you down. Just make clear that family is welcome to visit / help, and leave it at that.

If the FIL is such an arse, why would you even want him near the baby? MIL visiting is fine.

You could think of it a slightly different way,ignore the cantankerous old bloke and make it v clear to MIL that she's welcome to visit x number of times a year. Every month? That gives her something to look forward to and if he's making her life miserable a convenient excuse to get a break. She can say but they need me. Now obviously she's a grown woman and should be able to be in control of her own life but sometimes and for some people it's not as easy as that.

What you have to realise is that most people are not as excited about a soon to be born baby as the actual parents are. In your circumstances, of course it’s very exciting and special. But your FIL doesn’t feel the same - and that’s OK! Your MILs relationship with him isn’t your problem to solve - as has already been said, she’s a grown woman who has chosen to stay with him for whatever reasons. Out of interest, how come you live so far apart from them? It’s a long way and will be very difficult to build a strong grandparent / grandchild relationship. BTW, having your own parents staying for a month is a tad excessive - you’re having a baby not a hoarde of goats that need herding! Maybe your FIL doesn’t want to be there when your parents are there?

Just clocked you live 500 miles from your In laws

I suspect that more than anything else will limit the relationship between MIL and baby!!

I think early responses are a bit harsh. I'm usually one of the first to roll my eyes and think new parents are being really OTT about how much anyone cares about a new baby and making it all about themselves. But I don't think this is what this is.

The thread title is misleading. This isn't about thinking FIL is being not enough of a starry-eyed grandfather; it's OP worried and sad that her MIL, who seems to have a good relationship with all of them and is possibly in an abusive relationship and going to have her own future relations with her grandchildren curtailed by her husband.

Just ignore him, let him stew. AIBU is littered with nonchalant/half arsed grandparents. He sounds like a grump, so this may be a blessing in disguise.

Make a big fuss of MIL - once she does this trip on her own, it will give her more confidence. Don't give her any grief about FIL and dont put her in a position where she feels she has defend him. When she is there, plan more visits for her, sometimes an 'open invitation' can feel a bit vague.

Congratulations and good luck OP.

As others have said, all you can do is foster a good relationship with MIL and always make her welcome. Be supportive of her in general. But you can’t do anything about him or her relationship with him.

The op says I don’t have much of a relationship with them

added to which, she lives 500 miles away from her mil

Just look forward to MIL coming, enjoy her company, and ignore the grumpy old arsehole. He'd be an absolute pain to have around, be grateful he's staying at home. It will probably be immensely stressful for your MIL to get away from him to come and see you, so make a big fuss of her when she arrives.

Modern communications of messaging with photos and video calls means it is simple to maintain close, meaningful relationships over large distances if both sides are willing to engage and it sounds like MiL is.

FiL sounds like no great addition to your child's life anyway.

I agree that your FIL sounds like a complete arse. Thank goodness he’s so far away. Give your MIL lots and lots of love and appreciation and hope that one day she decides that life is a lot better when she’s living near you.

Yes, and the MIL seems keen to visit and become closer to them all and being held back by FIL. OP sounds to me like she's wanting to help MIL have a relationship that she (MIL) wants despite FIL trying to keep both of them at arms' length.

This could be the catalyst mil needs to help her realise what a miserable person he has become and maybe she shouldn't waste what's left of her life missing out to pleasile him.

You are excited about the baby and rightly so, but he's a baby, not the second coming. It's all a little controlled and staged - your mum coming for a whole month, holidays with GPs booked already, family what's app groups... Just chill, have the baby and see how it all goes.

How is she being held back?

I can’t actually see any info re her being held back?

the op says he’s making the MIL’s life difficult…. How so? When you invited her on holiday op…. You don’t say her response?

The MIL is in her 70s, she doesn’t have much of a relationship with the OP and she lives 500 miles away. I’m going to guess that the MIL wouldn’t be making the journey on a regular basis anyway, and certainly hasn’t been before now as op says they rarely visit

MIL is upset and FIL will make her pay for leaving him

how do you know?

it seems that the op is making a lot of assumptions when she is not even close to her mil

How big is your house, to have all these visitors?

Anyway, as pp have said, just make it clear to MIL that she is welcome. It’s clear you don’t like your Caribbean holidaymaker PIL, so why do you want him in your already well occupied home?

It's hard isn't it. My FIL isn't abusive but he does refuse to travel to see us (about a 2 hour drive) or their other DC (50 mins drive for them). They last came to our house 6 years ago for 1 visit to see newborn DS. In the last 6 months they have been on 2 holidays, one from the airport near us and the other involving a much longer drive. MIL won't come alone. FIL also went abroad for a funeral and MIL did visit BIL & SIL for the day and had a lovely time.

We go and stay with them every 6-8 weeks or so. (I realise you can't stay and it's longer distances, so less practical). DH basically said 'We will visit as much as we are happy with and won't be pressured to come more. If you don't want to visit in between, that's on you'. Accepting this is better for us than being frustrated.

There is literally nothing you can do about how someone else feels or behaves - stop fretting about it that way madness lies

My in laws weren’t that interested in their first grandchild either. I remember getting all het up and bewildered about it. At one point they were 20 mins away (lived 2 hours away) and cba to meet up with their 6 month old only granddaughter. My own parents were besotted I just couldn’t understand it.

Honestly what a waste of energy wish I had just ignored it. Who cares! Move on be polite and welcoming and leave them to do whatever weird things they want to MIL included her messed up marriage is her problem not yours