FIL doesn’t want to travel to meet only grandchild

[Sep88]

I’m 37 weeks pregnant with our first baby, conceived after 5 years of IVF. He will probably be our only child because of money and age and I feel so grateful to be in the home stretch.

My husband has an older sister who had a hysterectomy and has no interest in becoming a mum. This will probably be my in laws only grandchild. We live about 500 miles from them and they are in their 70’s.

My parents are coming up for the birth and will be staying a month to help me out, look after the dog and be just be around. DH and I are looking forward to the help and he gets on really well with my family. His mum will be coming up a couple of weeks after my due date- but FIL has decided he is too ill to travel, despite spending 3 days at Goodwood recently and having no actual illness. He had issues with his thyroid 3 years ago, but seems to be manageable and they have been on a couple of Caribbean holidays since. I think he is expecting us to travel down to see him, although we can’t stay with them (another long story)- in laws are still together. They also have (relatively) a lot of money.

I don’t have much of a relationship with them, but I feel so sad and angry for DH that his dad can’t be bothered to come and meet his grandson. MIL is upset and FIL will make her pay for leaving him for 3 nights to come and see us. He is emotional (and possibly financially) abusive. DH is being stoic about the whole thing, saying it will be good for MIL to have a break, but he is disappointed. I’ve set up a WhatsApp group with in laws family to give bump and baby updates and have invited MIL on our holiday next year so she can spend time with the baby.

She’s so excited to be a nanna, but I don’t know how to foster a good relationship with grandparents when FIL is such a negative influence. I swing between thinking he is probably depressed/ mh issues and that he’s just a grumpy spiteful sod. Tbh, I probably wouldn’t want dc to be around him too much anyway, but am angry at the idea of him stopping MIL having a relationship. After 40 years she’s just so beaten down by FIL… any advice on how to manage the situation, foster a good long distance relationship between MIL and the baby?! Or is it a lost cause? Ta!

OP says FIL will make her suffer for it. Maybe she's wrong. I'm taking it at face value. My own father can be like this. Not so much about little trips like this but if she wants to make other changes he will be difficult, uncommunicative, create guilt trips for her about other things she should have been doing, not tell her not to but not engage in any positivity about it and make her second guess constantly if she's being unreasonable to want to do things.

OP all you can do is make it as easy as possible for her if she wants to visit. Pick her up from train stations or the airport which seems possible if she's 500 miles away, remind her she's welcome and suggest specific dates rather than a vague open welcome.

This.
If anyone is saying anything it should be your husband to his mother or father.

Pack your hospital bags and look forward to your new baby

It sounds like your house will be bedlam when baby comes, with your immediate family, your parents and MIL all there. Maybe it’s just too much for FIL. I wouldn’t want to stay somewhere with the ‘other parents’. I could manage going out for lunch, but any longer than that I’d find extremely awkward and it would make me feel very socially anxious. I’m sure you’ll be going to visit both your ILs at some point so he can get to meet baby then.

I honestly think you should just stop thinking about it, OP. Your MIL is making the effort – that’s all there is to it.

Lots of women complain thry do ot all and the mental load bit lots of women equally worry and obsess over things when they dont need too, a, baby is not circus and if does not mar a child more special, everyone does not all think the same

Agree with others, don't waste your energy thinking about FIL. He sounds horrible anyway so I wouldn't want him to visit! Just enjoy time with your fam and MIL. You can't change how others behave or what MIL is willing to put up with.

You hardly know him, you don’t like him, I’m not sure why you would even be upset at him not being around in the immediate aftermath of giving birth. It’s an odd thing to focus on.
Him not committing to a trip right now when you’re still pregnant doesn’t mean he’s never going to meet the baby, that’s a reach.

It's really not OK. It's not OK for your dad (as he is to OP's husband) to be totally disinterested in your life and in the child you've longed for for a decade. Being a loving parent doesn't stop at 18. The bar is absolutely on the floor for this generation of grandparents, and (as always) for men in general.

And who are you to say that having her mum to stay for a month is "excessive"? You seem fine for DH's dad to all but opt out of his life, but oddly judgemental about OP's mum being very involved.

You sound like a lovely daughter in law. Just do your best to involve your MIL and sod FIL. Only other strategy would be for husband to challenge FIL ... but likely will do more harm than good.

Good luck with the birth!

You have much bigger fish to fry

Maybe it’s just too much for FIL. I wouldn’t want to stay somewhere with the ‘other parents’. I could manage going out for lunch, but any longer than that I’d find extremely awkward and it would make me feel very socially anxious. I’m sure you’ll be going to visit both your ILs at some point so he can get to meet baby then

That's what struck me first. OP's parents around for a month, then in-laws expected to be there 2 weeks following birth. That's six adults and one baby - do all the gps actually know each other? Sounds like utter chaos to me, the last thing you want after giving birth.

I think if I were fil I'd also prefer to wait until all the hubbub had died down and visit when things were a bit quieter.

Please do not allow this to spoil right now for you and what comes next.

I don’t know why your parents are coming for a month - this seems a very long time and sets a context and expectation for the other side of family.
It is up to your DH to resolve, you are busy being pregnant and delivering a baby. You do you now.
DH’s mum can come and she has to manage her marriage with her partner. If your FIL doesn’t come then so what? On him. Stay in your lane and put up boundaries before you become dragged into all the toxicity.

Good luck OP!

My advice is to stay out of their marriage issues and don’t rise to father in law and his lack of interest.
Embrace mil and her help when she comes to see baby.
you can’t make an uninterested grandparent be involved.

Lots of that generation aren't especially fussed by babies. Just leave him to it. I also think that your MIL needs to be able to manage this herself. I expect she will stand up for herself a bit more when it comes to seeing the baby if she's that excited.

You're worrying about things you can't control, don't let it spoil this time for you.

And congratulations :)!

Oh and a PP is right. You will never be able to make him interested in visiting if he isn't. Don't force it but also don't bend over backwards accommodating (E. G visit before you're ready / want to).

Why do you need your parents to move in for a month to help you and your husband with a baby and a dog???

Thanks for all the comments!

Partner and I met at uni not in our home towns, so we’ve never lived close to them. DH goes down to see them a couple of times a year and calls his mum once a week. We moved away for my work about 12 years ago- there was nothing personal although DH had a strained relationship with dad as a teen and seems to only communicate via text on Xmas and birthdays. His dad leaves the room when he calls his mum.

I think the thing that is making me sad is the prospect of FIL stopping MIL being the grandma she would like to be. It’s easier for me if he’s not around tbh. For the longest time I believed MIL made her own bed by not leaving him. Maybe I feel like I’ve got more skin in the game now or it’s the pregnancy hormones… she is staying in a b&b, I’m not sure I could handle her staying along with my folks 🤣 but it would be nice if she could come for Xmas or Easter etc, especially the first Xmas. Realistically it will be hard for us to visit them once the baby is here and when I finish mat leave lots of our expendable income will be taken up with childcare (Scotland so don’t get the free hrs). We can’t really stay with them and they live in a very touristy area so hotels/ airbnbs are really expensive.

Surprised by the reaction to my parents- for context, they also live 500miles away in a slightly different direction… we live in a village in the highlands so it’s not like they can pop in. Although we are only 40 mins from an airport, so it’s not a huge pain to get here. My 93 year old nan has come at least once a year with my parents since we moved up. It’s a high risk pregnancy, my mum was a nurse and my husband is freelance, so can’t take a fortnight off. They offered- it wasn’t expected but we are a really close family.

Im sure when the baby is here it will be the last thing I’ll be worried about, but it’s just making me feel a bit sad for my husband and MIL…family is important to me and I’m angry at all these relationships being held hostage by one grumpy old man. But again maybe that’s the pregnancy hormones 🤣 I’ve no doubt my dad will make up for any disinterest FIL has.

You should talk to your DH and he should support/ enable his mums relationship.

As sad as it is to some extent she is "choosing this"

YANBU to feel however you like about it - sad, angry, whatever - but realistically there’s nothing you can do or say that will make any difference to his behaviour, or the dynamic in your PIL’s marriage.

If he’s abusive, controlling and spiteful, he’s not going to suddenly become more kind and reasonable just because there’s now a baby in the mix. And if your MIL chooses to stay with him regardless, she may not see herself as in need of ‘rescuing’.

Really all you can do is gently question her assumptions/behaviours when she automatically defers to him, and strongly encourage her to act independently and have confidence in her own decisions. Maybe invite them more often in the future, and when he makes his excuses just emphasise that her invitation still stands, and you’d love to see her even if he sadly can’t make it. Getting her away from him to spend time with your family alone will be the best way of fostering a strong relationship between her and your child.

And to your point that FIL may expect you to travel to him, well he can expect away, can’t he?! A family visit isn’t a court summons, and you’re under zero obligation to go if you don’t want to.

The last thing you need going into delivery, is unnecessary worry about someone you describe as spiteful and abusive.

The people who love and care about you and your husband will be present. Your MIL (adult) has made the decision to come alone. Having been married for 40 years, that's her choice to make.

Your husband has made his peace with it and is happy for his mom to have a break from his dad, which says a lot.
Park the concern about FIL, focus on the support you have and save your energy for what is about to be a tiring time ahead.

Sadly, if your FIL has no interest in his own son he’s not going to have a sudden personality change when it comes to his grandchild. He’ll likely never be interested. Fortunately it sounds like your DF will be a doting grandad and make up for it.

Your MIL can visit if she wants, she's not being 'held hostage'. It's on your husband to manage contact and visit arrangements with his relatives, he doesn't manage your relatives contact, does he?
With both sets of parents each living 500 miles away it's unlikely your kid will see them very frequently.

DH goes down to see them a couple of times a year

when was the last time you visited your MIL and FIL?

do they visit?

and you really want someone you barely know by the sounds of it rocking up a fortnight posted due date?

and I’m angry at all these relationships being held hostage by one grumpy old man.

but nothing was stopping more regular visits, either them to you or you to them, in the 12 years before now. So if there’s not a close relationship now, after more than a decade, bizarre to suddenly think in their 70s they’ll be travelling 500 miles to visit regularly or even close to regularly

OP the best thing about having a child is that you very soon don’t dive two fucks about people who don’t care about you or your loved ones. It’s one of the unexpected but liberating benefits of parenthood! Don’t sweat the small stuff and enjoy time together before baby arrives - oh and congratulations too!