I KNOW I'm being unreasonable but ...

[Maddie05]

I am just putting this out into the ether so I can hopefully get it off my chest. I am normally a reasonable person (if I do say so myself lol) but since the birth of my first child a few years ago I've noticed that my tolerance level for certain things has plummeted, particularly when it comes to my in-laws.

I am sure they do not mean anything by it and this rage that I feel comes entirely from sleep deprivation because me 10 years ago would think this is not even worth thinking about however it really really really annoys me how much they go on about how much my children look like their dad! A visit does not go past where they mention a) how much they look like him and b) how wonderful they are because they look like and act like him.

Now, don't get me wrong, he's great but neither one of my children look exactly like him. They just look like a mix of both of us. They've both got blonde hair like my mother in law and father in law but my mum has blonde hair for example whilst my husband and I are both dark. But from the day they were born, even in the hospital when they are all squidgy and weird looking, my in-laws have said that they are my husband's doubles.

I know this is not a big deal so why does it annoy me so much??? I think it must be sleep deprivation and in ten years time I will be back to my usual normal, roll off my back, self.

Has anyone else experienced this?? And if so when does it end! 🙈

Mine do this. It's hilarious because I'm mixed race, my dh is white and my in laws swear blind my son's ringlets come from their side of the family because some aunt had wavy hair. It's erasure, your part in the creation of their grandchild is irrelevant and yes, it's irritating so I hear you. For this and many reasons I barely speak to my in laws now. They are dhs problem, but no you're not being unreasonable.

No I get it, its the feeling like you just don't matter, its very annoying!

It’s better than the other way of saying they look nothing like the rest of the family which makes you feel your being accused of infidelity by implication!

My mil & sil started this, so summon up your best poker face and reply...that's weird considering he's not the Father!

I understand. My ILs used to do this to the point I wondered if I'd actually contributed any genetics to this baby at all. "Look at her blue eyes. She got them from you SIL!" I happen to have blue eyes myself!

I was so tempted to tell them we'd used a sperm donor for a bit.

My MIL did this (and still does 18 years later) and it still annoys me, but I try to ignore her when she passes comments as I feel like she does it to get a reaction.

I met my husband when he was our sons age and our son doesn’t look anything like how he used to, so I have no idea what she’s still going on about

So in answer to your question, I don’t think there is an end date!

I know it’s not true so I try and twist it in my head and take it as a compliment that my children are so adorable that she wishes hers had looked like mine 😁

My grandma here used to say this until my mum’s sister visited my dad’s old home and came back saying she had found out who we really looked like.

😂

It doesn’t end as they get older lol. My eldest is studying to be an actor. Apparently gets it from dad as he was in a play when he was 7 lol. Even he says he’s the least creative person. She used to get looks like them, even though she clearly didn’t. My eldest is a mini me in every aspect- from looks to our brains lol. Odly they never claim my youngest who looks like dh including lanky long limbs, skin colour and personality and thinks just like DH. I just smile if they bring it up now, then DH and I laugh later.

Yes, I get this from SIL. It's infuriating - but like you, I know I'm being silly. He looks nothing like pictures of his young father AT ALL. He looks like my school pics and a lot like my deceased father (who their side never met). My friends and family see it clearly. They are delusional 🤣 I've decided we must be genetically programmed to see the familiar - however tiny - to make us love them. So just think "they can't help it" 😁

OP, I have taken note of your post because my DS has two children, one of whom is the spit of him - and as MIL, I have commented on the fact, more so when DGC was a baby, but certainly with no intention of causing hurt or upset. And I didn’t say they were wonderful because of this - I love both DGC dearly, and would not want to single one out over the other - it was just an observation. My DD has two children, one of whom looks so much like her that strangers in the street have commented on it! The other looks tactfully like his father - but as a MIL, I can promise you that mentioning that a DGC looks like their father was in no way intended to upset or annoy! But I certainly won’t mention it again, if it might cause irritation.

My MIL does this with her great-grandchildren, drives me mad! Constantly saying things like “Oh he’s definitely a Smith, look at him!” Irritates me beyond anything reasonable 😂. With my youngest grandchild I have, at every opportunity, reinforced that they look like their mother (my DIL) - which they do - but if I don’t keep saying it, MIL will be off again with the non existent “family resemblance”.

"thank god she got my brains though"

And if questioned, look them straight in the eye and say "well your side of the family are thick as mince, didn't you realise?"

The things I like to daydream about.

I get this too Op, my (idiot) MIL is so gleeful about it because it’s like she can just pretend I didn’t exist in the making of this child.

In her eyes I was merely a vessel for grandkids and her son did all the hard work, the babies are clones of him and therefore elite.

This must be a universal in laws thing and definitely has driven me mad at times 😅😅

Less so now for sure but I do think some people could rein it in especially that first year post partum when it would be nice not to hear it quite so relentlessly!

My MIL said about my few-hours-old first born "oh look SIL, they have dark hair like you" - as I say there, with my dark hair 😂

One looks like me, but the comments are always that they look like my nephew. Other than being blonde, bald-ish and babies there is no resemblance at all! They think I'm mad I can't see it, I think it's bonkers when they each look like the parent who's unrelated.

Just one of those things, I've learnt to ignore it - and my oldest now is the spit of a cousin on my side in both looks and personality, so it might stop in the future!!

I think it's simply that your ILs notice their side in your child. Your family, in contrast, probably reckon ds is totally your DNA. I really don't think it's any deeper than that.

I find that some of the comments are made to help strengthen a bond, particularly if the supposed resemblance is to a currently childless relative. In my situation it keeps them sweet, almost as if they had an involvement by proxy in child’s development or to declare that they are more like X than the parents as a deliberate wind up.
It will get more frustrating when your LO does something well that you also happen to be naturally good at as it will always be a result of taking after anyone other than you!

One of only 2 disagreements I had with much loved late MIL was over this.
I grew up in Denmark and now live in the UK I'm your typical scandinavian type.

Dd1 was born and MIL and FIL see her nose from x her eyes from Y etcetc but then I heard
"oh her blonder hair is clearly after bil!

Now 1 BIL is a waste of space thinks the world turns around him type of human (I could give several examples but will stick with he didn't visit mil in her last 3 years of sickness as he needed to look after his dogs)

2 MY children have NOTHING after bil as I would never have let him near me (I acknowlwege they may share genes from a common ancestor)

And 3 and MOST importantly
MY CHILDREN ARE HALF SCANDINAVIAN!
Do you think the blonde hair may come from there?

Now I missed out part one as MIL thought the sun shone from bil. I did heavilly point out the other two and mil.and I had a disagreement. However she never again did tell me any of my children. Had anything "after" bil.. so I took it as a win.

Now dd1 is 27 and she is actually the spitting image of mil and her sisters. She has my dads eyes and cheeckbones. Her blonde hair turned brown as the only one of mine. She looks nothing like BIL thankfully

For me in particular the issue was also I didnt get the same input from my family as they were too far away. Having the part that appeared to be from my side of the family pushed away was hard to listen too.
I have 4 the 2 are clear mixes and dd3 heavily favours my side of the family with fils triangular smile.

I love watching how genes come out in our children but I know I will be super careful when I have grandchildren to notncut out the other family genes.

Edited spelling

I think it's a biological thing - you see your own family in the baby so you feel more of an inclination to bond.

We have a family friend who is blonde, white, russian features, and she married someone from SE Asia, so darker skin, black hair etc. One child is white and blonde but the face looks exactly like the parent from SE Asia and the other child the exact opposite - so SE Asian colouring but a clone of the Russian parent's face 🙃 The two families are constantly bickering over who they look like 😂

Exactly!

You’re definitely not alone in your feelings OP, my MIL has always been the same. I’ve now been listening to this for over 17 years - in real life, through social media but also been told when bumping into her friends that she speaks of this. I guess it’s a pride thing? But yes, there’s no need to say it more than once. I have seen many other grandparents do the same so much to the point that when my turn comes is the only thing I will openly say is “I can see both parents in them, they’re perfect” and change the subject. It’s just SO boring and feels like a dig- mums put their bodies through hell and their lives on hold and then the child is “nothing like you is he”? It’s just offensive to me. For me it went deeper than that as well - my mum passed when my son was 5 months old and my mil knew I was desperate to see some sort of legacy, a reminder my mum was still with us. So she repeatedly told me how my son was nothing like my side whatsoever. It was just hurtful.

This is very kind of you! I think it's completely unreasonable to feel how I feel. Of course they might look like their father! And obviously I love their father very much so it's not a bad thing if they do! It's an odd thing that I don't seem to be able to help and I know I'm being unreasonable. It would just be lovely to get a compliment in general I suppose! I think that would make me feel better ... How pathetic of me but also I think that's where I am at haha

Thank you everyone for such kind messages! You have all made me feel much better and yes to those who said it was biological! Maybe we are programmed to see tiny versions of ourselves in our descendants!

I am thinking my xMIL never once said this. Maybe I said it sometimes. xMIL probably noticed the other way round, how much her grandkids didn't look like her side !

I dislike repetition so I imagine echo refrain aspect would get on my nerves. The rest is just excitement happiness about interacting with their own kin.