I KNOW I'm being unreasonable but ...

[Maddie05]

I am just putting this out into the ether so I can hopefully get it off my chest. I am normally a reasonable person (if I do say so myself lol) but since the birth of my first child a few years ago I've noticed that my tolerance level for certain things has plummeted, particularly when it comes to my in-laws.

I am sure they do not mean anything by it and this rage that I feel comes entirely from sleep deprivation because me 10 years ago would think this is not even worth thinking about however it really really really annoys me how much they go on about how much my children look like their dad! A visit does not go past where they mention a) how much they look like him and b) how wonderful they are because they look like and act like him.

Now, don't get me wrong, he's great but neither one of my children look exactly like him. They just look like a mix of both of us. They've both got blonde hair like my mother in law and father in law but my mum has blonde hair for example whilst my husband and I are both dark. But from the day they were born, even in the hospital when they are all squidgy and weird looking, my in-laws have said that they are my husband's doubles.

I know this is not a big deal so why does it annoy me so much??? I think it must be sleep deprivation and in ten years time I will be back to my usual normal, roll off my back, self.

Has anyone else experienced this?? And if so when does it end! 🙈

My in-laws have an annoying habit of relating everything my son does to his uncle (their other son). They’ll even try and make him pronounce words incorrectly and then claim that just like how uncle Jack used to say it. Eg, my son can say “lorry” but they’ll endlessly pronounce it “norry” until he eventually repeats that, then they’ll be beside themselves with him being so much like uncle Jack. Good job my husband really likes his brother and knows this is a them issue, and not him so he kind of just ignores it. It bugs me much more than him.

My ex mil used to do this. I eventually snapped and said that the two children looked nothing alike so how could they both look like him and to pick one and be quiet. Never mentioned it again!

My in laws do this! It annoyed my intensely when my 3rd was born. I remember posting here before she was born talking about how much they had done it with my first 2 and how I was dreading the "oh isn't she the spitting image of great uncle frank" after my 3rd was born. And yes they went on and on.

14 years later tho I couldn't care less and I get on great with them. Try to block it out... I would never go on like that... It's a weird habit/dull conversation topic some people engage in but just try to ignore.

Just laugh every time they say it.

YADNBU! I had this all the time with DS. He was MIL’s only grandchild, and she was desperate to claim everything about him was somehow attributable to genes from their side, almost as though the baby had been conjured up by DH alone and I’d just served as a neutral incubator for his brilliant sperm.

Ironically the person DS always most looked like was my dad, but she’d dismiss any mention of that with a frown - “ooh I don’t think so, have a look at him [FIL], isn’t he the spitting image of our Peter, your dad’s cousin twice removed?”. And when he showed signs of being quite bright, “well the men on our side have always had the brains” (leaving the implication hanging that intelligence was vanishingly unlikely to have come from my family!).

Poor DD, who came along much later, was apparently her doppelgänger - “I was a very pretty child too, everyone said so”.

Bloody infuriating, but the very teeny tiny tip of a massive iceberg of much worse behaviour, so not the hill I chose to die on!

I always chuckle to myself when MIL and DM say things like this. It’s natural for them to notice resemblances on their own side, especially as they are thinking of their son as a baby/child and not as he is now. It must be quite magical to see a flash of the child they held years ago, whether it’s a feature, angle or expression.

I think there's 2 ways this can go on.

1. Is that MiL IS aware that this upsets uou and therefore continues to do it.
2. She really does see her family in your baby/child and is innocently commenting.

Im sorry that it annoys and upsets you, regardless of reason, that can't be nice.

I do agree that sometimes different people see different 'genetic' links. My Dniece has a young child, now 7. People often comment on fb how much he looks likes her ½ brother (who looks like her aunty!).

She cannot see it at all but for many of us it is 'so' obvious.
My DS, as he was growing up, was my mini me to the point I was asked if I was [son's] mam by a stranger ( to me). It was one of his secondary teachers that I'd never met!!

My 1st son looks 95% like me (he only has his dad's colouring and hairline) yet his dad's side of the family used to be all like "he really looks like his dad!!!". He doesn't. At all. In fact if you had to match him to his dad in a crowded room no one would pair them up. My daughter looks more like her dad but nope, everyone banged on about my oldest. Its funny now cos me and him are like an overweight Damien and liz hurley

Its an odd thing, I think people look for "proof" of their genetic contribution!

I wouldn’t worry too much.

However this was my Kate mum about my ds - now 20.

How much he’s like our side of the family and I use to laugh because I saw his dad in him.

Cue hitting his teens I have pictures of him as the spit of my brother who was his age when he was born. In turn I then found out he’s also spit of my dad at that age.

In fact I have some montages I made on pic collage for fun of my dad, brother nephew and son all at same age and no one can tell them apart.

so it works both ways and I do believe when people see others features in someone else they genuinely too.

My in laws use to saw he was all his dad and I totally only saw that.

my friends say he’s the spit of me which I don’t see because I always saw his dad and until I see him against my dad and brother.

It’s up to you to choose whether you celebrate what they see and if you choose to translate it as there’s none of you in him.

My SIL tries to claim our baby looks like her and my MIL keeps saying how much he acts and sleeps like her - both of which contradict stories she has told us! 🙄

I think it’s a bit more nuanced than that, and entirely depends on intention. Yes, there’s obviously a bit of pride and wanting the precious GC to show traits of your own family’s genes, and that’s nice.

But I think with a lot of these examples (and definitely in my case) it feels much more possessive and almost like they’re trying to erase the genetic legacy of the other family - this child is ‘one of us’ and everything about their looks and brains is down to our ancestry; your involvement is purely incidental.

That’s what’s so mean, and I don’t believe these remarks are always just innocent, neutral observations - they’re a very easy way of weaponising small talk and hurting someone whilst maintaining a facade of plausible deniability and ‘butter wouldn’t melt’, because it’s difficult to push back against without appearing over sensitive.

The reason it annoys you is that it feels like they're erasing you from your children and seeing them as wholly 'theirs'. The deep feeling is one of, well that's me in my place then, an outsider to the family who despite going through pregnancy, child birth and the primary share of the day to day, isn't even present as they're "all their dad". However, from their point of view they're just delighted to get a glimpse back in time of their own son, and happy to see their own family continuing.

Not from my in-laws but from one friend in particular. Literally said it multiple times every time I saw her for years. Honestly felt like she was doing it to wind me up for a while. I’m definitely extra sensitive about stuff since giving birth though.

You are totally right! I DO feel like I'm being erased! (Even though I'm not lol but) that's how it feels! Weird! I do the lions share and I was pregnant and grew our children for 9 months each and I'm the one who put her career on the back burner for a bit to raise them but yet all they ever talk about is how much they look like their father. Thank you for this!

my in laws are now dead but for me it never completely stopped but reduced once they went to school. to be fair though both of mine look like dads side of the family and now in their 20s look more like his sister than they do me! i’ve come to terms with it 🤣

My MIL insisted our son looked like her second husband, DH's stepfather. That got up my nose.

I'd be happy if someone told me my kids looked like DH - yeah, I picked a good looking guy ehh? And if they acted like him? Yeah, I picked a kind, intelligent and decent guy ehh?
Never seen what the big deal is. If they said he looked like the milkman - maybe.

My MIL once said about my DS ‘there’s literally none of you in him at all is there’!
I think because it was her son’s child the resemblance helped as ‘proof’ and helps with bonding, in a way that’s different when DD’s have babies.

My in-laws do this all the time. If I send them a pic of Dd on the swings, they send one right back of dh on the swings at the same age with captions like 'uncanny' or 'doppelganger'. There is a strong enough resemblance but there's a good bit of my sister in there too. Anyway, I don't fight it. They think their son is the most amazing human that was ever born so I get my own back with little comments like, "yeah, she's all Dh but let's just hope she gets my personality/intelligence/ability to clean the toilet after herself!" Always with laughing emojis following.

Yeah, this lol. “They’re not his…” 😂

I absolutely understand this opinion. It's totally irrational but I just feel what I feel.

😂

I bet it’s just a case that it takes them back to when your DH was their baby/little boy. They’ll remember that and have fond memories of it. And it’s not necessarily that you’re being erased - just that they won’t have the same memories of you at the same age. I always wondered why people coo over random babies and could never understand the psychology of it - but as a mother of teenagers, I’m aware that I do that now. Why? Because it takes me back to the days when my kids were babies and it’s a nice memory in that moment. All that said, I can completely understand why you find it irritating, though - just trying to suggest a bit of mitigating context behind it!

Mine went on and on about dd1 looking like her dad and how clever she is - gets it from her dad (my grades were higher at school but sure, whatever). I mention to my dad about how much it grated but I couldn’t say anything without sounding nuts. That night he posted a photo of me the same age as dd1 (about 2.5) and commented how dd is exactly like I was. It was passive aggressive but subtle and I loved him for it because mil couldn’t ignore it (she’s always on fb). It did actually shut her up.

One worse might be dh’s grandmother who went on about the fact our 3dds are just sooo beautiful but ended it with “I just don’t understand how they’re this pretty”… 😳 dh and I found it funny because she was so unaware how rude she was being.