To expect more from ds 18?

[lurchersforever]

He just seems to be living a ridiculous life at the moment. He has finished his A levels, which he did work very hard and obviously I want him to enjoy this summer. But he seems to have got into an unhelpful routine and, as a single parent who works full-time, I was expecting a bit more from him during this period.

He basically goes out every night (and I do mean every night) with friends until 12.30 at the earliest, often more like 2-3. He doesn't drink but obviously he is then tired the next day. Not sure what time he gets up but he has a part-time job 11-3.30 (it's actually a split shift so some of that is trapped time as he doesn't drive) so I think he gets up about an hour or so before leaving for that. Then he is home for a coupe of ours and then off out again. He is also captain of a sport that takes up a lot of time, mainly, but not only, at weekends.

Stuff I wanted him to do at home, mainly sorting out his own stuff, is never done as he 'doesn't have time'. This week he needed to dismantle a piece of furniture that is being replaced and it has taken all week as he is doing 20 minutes a day or something, so nothing else has been done. If I do catch him in and ask him to do a quick job like take the bin out he does it but there is no initiative.

I don't know if I'm being a misery and I do want him to have fun but I also see some big jobs just never getting done as he's just never bloody here! I wish he would be back a bit earlier so he could get up a bit earlier to get a little bit done before going to work, or is that too much to expect at this stage?

i wouldn't call that ridiculous... a bit unhelpful maybe but not ridiculous
he has a job, he has hobbies, he has a social life he's doing well

I think I would consider that winning to be honest OP! What are his plans for next year?

Mine's 18 too and just starting his part time job tomorrow.

How does yours fund his going out every night?

You're possibly being a bit harsh as he's just learning to be an adult, but there's nothing wrong with giving him a list of chores to do and telling him he has to do them.

It seems like the only area he's slacking in is paid work, as he does minimal hours. At his age, betwixt A-levels and uni, I was working 60+ hours a week, but whatever.
Anything else...he's 18.

He is doing well and you can take some credit for that. But I disagree with PPs. Taking the bins out would take a couple of minutes. Dismantling a piece of furniture would only take about half an hour. Asking him to meet his friends a couple of hours later now and again wouldn’t hurt. Even asking him to stay in and spend an evening with you, wouldn’t hurt. Maybe PPs are overlooking that he is out every night

Sounds completely normal, and you are only young once. He's working, doesn't drink and is captain of a sports team and you are complaining - frankly bizarre.

This is exactly the time in life he should be acquiring the skills emotionally, socially and otherwise to fly the nest, so you should get used to him never being there as if you are lucky he won't be living with you at all in a few years.

Tbh he sounds pretty good to me - worked hard at A Levels, doesn’t drink, goes to his part time job, is Captain of a sports team.

What more can you ask of an 18 year old boy on his summer holidays?!?

He sounds well rounded, hard working and high achieving… and like a kid having fun after over a decade of schooling ends.

He’s not your husband who needs to ‘take initiative’ on home tasks just yet. He should do as you ask but honestly I’d cut him some slack.

I think you are being a bit unreasonable OP. He worked hard for his A levels, he's got a part time job, he plays sport, he enjoys going out with his mates, he needs nagging to do chores. He sounds like a completely normal 18yo to me!

Thanks - I did think maybe I was UR. I'm not expecting him to be like a husband and maintain the house/start DIY projects- it's more like tidy up all his papers that have been in the playroom for months and not leave all his crap in the hallway! His take is he hasn't had time to do the playroom because of dismantling the furniture but I feel like if he went to bed by 1 instead of 3 it would be a better routine and give him more time.

Half the time when I get in at 5 he's waking up from a nap before going out - it's irritating!

Can you ask him to make time before (say) next Friday to complete the most urgent jobs (give a list)? None of what you mention should take more than a couple of hours but I know I wouldn’t get around to it for months, left to my own devices.

Sounds just like my 18yo. It’s intensely irritating but pretty normal. At least yours has a job! Mine just makes mess and takes bloody ages to tidy it up. Roll on September…

You say you thought you might be unreasonable...then go on to say why you aren't again.
DD is the same age, but she drives. It's easy for her to pick up last minute shifts. Are there lots of temporary jobs or extra hours available? If not you can't really complain when he's holding down a job. This is probably his last Summer of freedom.
This is the second post I've seen in the last couple of days saying the OP is a single parent. I'm not sure why that's relevant. He shouldn't be picking up extra tasks because of this.
I don't know many that age who would show any initiative at home. Have you always consistent over your expectations of him completing tasks you ask? If not, it's a bit late to start now, especially if you're not there when he is.
He sounds pretty normal to me. I know it's not a race to the bottom, but he's hopefully done well (it's not long until the 14th) in his A levels, he works, doesn't drink and is the captain of a sport's team. Most parents would count their blessings.

Do any kids show initiative for household jobs?
My DS is almost 20 and it's his job to empty the bins, but he'll never just do it, only when asked.
I was probably the same when I lived at home.

18 is when you should be living your best life. Could be worse, he could be jobless and friendless, sleeping all day, gaming all night and still not doing household jobs

Posted twice

Id be delighted if my 18 yo was living like this during the summer after working hard for A levels - meeting friends, working,, doing sports.
Chores wise, id expect more if he wasn't as busy but as he is id leave him off and keep asking for the small bits like the bins that he gets done each day ?

What you are asking for is reasonable, indeed maybe you should be expecting more.

Ah leave him off. Split shifts are exhausting so its good to have a nap during his break. He's got his shit together so just relax and try enjoy the time you have with him. I have a 17yo and 19yo too.. they ll be gone before we know it

I’d say it’s going pretty well. Yes ask him not to leave his things lying around. But he isn’t drinking and you don’t mention he is taking drugs - just socialising with friends. He has a job so is earning his own money and isn’t being rude towards his family. Honestly I’d ask him to be a bit tidier if that bothers you but otherwise I’d leave him alone.

What is your son’s plan now? Is he going to continue in education or is it into work?

I can understand your irritation. He is doing much better than many though: worked hard for A levels, a job, sports, friends. Can you give him a set job each week? I am trying to give my DC16 hoovering to do each week so it is a set job. Single parenting is hard so we do really need a bit of help

All the people saying he doesn't need to show initiative: what about when this chap moves in with his girlfriend in a few years? Will he be expected to have developed that initiative by then or will she be asking him to 'help' by taking out the bin. He's member of a household and should be developing the skills to pull his weight as part of a community. This is what OP is trying to teach.

I made my 16 year old a list of stuff he had to get done by the end of the week while I was working.
He has his set chores - he has to check bins daily and empty as needed.

It's not really split shifts - it's about 3 hours work with an hour or so break in the middle. I'm not putting him down but it's really not that taxing a job as he works in his school canteen. I'm proud of him as he is one of several Y13s that worked there but he is the only one they have continued giving shifts to once they left - he's been in every day apart from when he's been away - he's had two week's worth of holidays since finishing his exams! He does a tuck shop at the end of the day too. Think he just hangs around chatting in the gap.

I veer between thinking I should count my blessings as he is an amazing son and thinking I'm too easy on him and he'll be a nightmare house-share, as people here have hinted!

He sounds fab. My mother didn't expect much from us when we were growing up (she was a sahm tho) and I turned out all right so im inclined to be pretty chilled about these things.
The A levels are so intense I'd let him off this summer as he s got plenty going on. .. he should be doing a couple chores like bins each day tho I would say, would he draw up a schedule for himself.

I've 2 a similar age and neither of them are as sorted as your lad. One had his heart broken a few weeks ago so I just want him happy. He's a quiet type so you never know where he's at mood wise. He has some occasional work and his friends are all busy so he's hanging around a lot. And I STILL have to nag him to do chores.. Its very annoying but I know all my friends kids (male and female) are the same so I try not to stress about it.
My other lad is working on a kids summer camp 5 hours a day, loving it but totally wrecked when he gets home. I teach myself so I get it.
I know you're working full time tho so I sympathise with you, it's hard keeping the teens going and getting them to do their fair share.

The summer after A levels is the perfect time for this lifestyle, let him enjoy it.