To expect more from ds 18?

[lurchersforever]

He just seems to be living a ridiculous life at the moment. He has finished his A levels, which he did work very hard and obviously I want him to enjoy this summer. But he seems to have got into an unhelpful routine and, as a single parent who works full-time, I was expecting a bit more from him during this period.

He basically goes out every night (and I do mean every night) with friends until 12.30 at the earliest, often more like 2-3. He doesn't drink but obviously he is then tired the next day. Not sure what time he gets up but he has a part-time job 11-3.30 (it's actually a split shift so some of that is trapped time as he doesn't drive) so I think he gets up about an hour or so before leaving for that. Then he is home for a coupe of ours and then off out again. He is also captain of a sport that takes up a lot of time, mainly, but not only, at weekends.

Stuff I wanted him to do at home, mainly sorting out his own stuff, is never done as he 'doesn't have time'. This week he needed to dismantle a piece of furniture that is being replaced and it has taken all week as he is doing 20 minutes a day or something, so nothing else has been done. If I do catch him in and ask him to do a quick job like take the bin out he does it but there is no initiative.

I don't know if I'm being a misery and I do want him to have fun but I also see some big jobs just never getting done as he's just never bloody here! I wish he would be back a bit earlier so he could get up a bit earlier to get a little bit done before going to work, or is that too much to expect at this stage?

Some people would kill for this for their children!
Worked hard for A levels
Has a part time job
Captain of a sports team (so presumably fit and healthy)
Not out drinking and getting leathered every night
Out with friends a lot (so he obviously has some)

It could be so much worse. Count your blessings and try and let the little things slide.

Yanbu- he needs to contribute to the home by doing basic jobs. I understand it’s annoying for you. I don’t have a solution though.

^ absolutely this ^

I second everything said here. You honestly need to cut him some slack. He is 18 FFS and enjoying his summer off with friends before he goes to uni.

I thought you were going to say he stays in bed all day gaming, then goes out all evening getting drunk, and you never see him.

He has friends, is happy, has a part time job, worked hard at his A-levels, and doesn't drink. He seems like a good all round normal happy healthy 18 year old. What more could you want from him?

So what, he doesn't take initiative in the house. What 18 years old do?

My DD is home from uni after working really hard all year. She has been on 2 holidays which she has paid for herself and is enjoying her time with her friends and boyfriend. She has a part time job, pays for all her own stuff and she does things round the house that I ask of her (sorts her laundry/does her own bedding/washes and clears up after herself etc) and she also cooks for herself several times a week. I am enjoying her being home and am happy that she is loving life right now. Before long she will be back at uni where the hard work starts all over again so I want her to enjoy her summer break.

A lot would depend on his plans for September. If he is going into employment, he should be job hunting. If he is hoping to go to uni, a few more hours work would help save up- and heaven knows, they need money behind them in freshers week!

DS worked through a levels and continued until he went on holiday in August. When he got back, I focused his attention on cooking and looking after himself. This took time and was very helpful when he moved into uni halls.

I really think some parents on here are ludicrous in their expectations of older teens.

He has just finished A levels (which are a very tough and intense period) and will presumably be off to uni/elsewhere in September.

He is currently enjoying the few weeks he has off. You need to get a grip and find some perspective.

I would also actively discourage DC from going straight from A levels to full time summer work and then to uni. That's a recipe for burnout in my view. A levels are one of the most intense periods I've had in my life and a recovery period is needed.

They also have 50+ years ahead to work. This is an opportunity to recharge a bit.

I was going to say something like this.

Give them a job or list of jobs - if it’s a one off thing like the OP’s chair dismantling, tell them when it needs to be done by. If it’s a regular thing, let them know that part of the job is noticing it needs to be done.

So in my house the eldest has the job of doing the dishwasher and the youngest of taking out the recycling from the indoor bins (because that’s the easiest job and you can’t mess it up much).

I should probably give dd more responsibility as she is in her post GCSE summer but she seems to be very busy - mostly with voluntary type work - and also has to have time with their Dad. She’s done a lot in the garden of her own initiative which is nice - so I suppose that’s really want you want - them to do things of their own initiative. I'm not sure how you teach that though!

We have a summer chore list with daily things that the kids need to help with. They work out between them who m’s going what. It’s really helped because we aren’t going to run around all summer picking up after teens who are more than capable of helping out, cooking, cleaning or walking the dogs etc!

They might need the money though!

Otherwise I do agree.

They shouldn't need the money in my view @GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing.

It is parents' responsibility to fund their reasonable uni costs. Too many parents in the UK are selfish and seem to think DC can fend for themselves the second they turn 18.

This has helped me put things in perspective, so thank you.

He and his brother do have a list of tasks to complete but they are pretty minimal. It's hard as they have 4 nights per fortnight at their dad's so routines are easy to break.

@BeachLife2 Some parents may well be selfish but others simply cannot afford to fund their dc in full - surely you understand that? I give ds £100 per month and he tops that up with his part-time job. He will get minimal loan for university and his dad contributes nothing (low earner with cash in hand jobs/generous parents). Ds will not be allowed to work in term-time in his uni in term time and it does worry me, but I'm not selfish. Luckily his child trust fund did pretty well (thank you, Gordon Brown) and he saves most of his money - not drinking or driving helps. It's very easy to see why some teens have no choice but to work, though.

How comes A levels are so tough nowadays yet the content is similar to what I did at O level?

@lurchersforever

The student loan system expects parents to provide funding and in my view it is selfish for them not do so so.

Give the lad a break. He’s just finished his exams, he’s working, he’s 18 and it’s the summer. You could have it a LOT worse, trust me!

What if they can't though? It's a very blunt instrument and looks at income but not outgoings so affordability isn't really checked. There are plenty of people who do give their dc money and they work as well to top it up- it isn't either/or.

Unfortunately at some point your son will have to have a discussion with his dad about paying “nothing” when he is at university. We are in exactly the same situation with last step child who has big dreams about going to a very expensive degree course. Expensive for many reasons. The courses and location they are looking at are very unrealistic and simply not affordable for us to pay by ourselves. We are not tight either, it is thousands and thousands. The other parent simply doesn’t financially contribute. Up to 18 we have sheltered the children from this, but reality is on the way. And it will mean conversations about understanding student debt, self funding and finding a course that will lead to employment. We cannot make the other parent contribute but we do have to balance this and not enable it any further.

I’d say it’s his Alevel summer. We all know this way of living isn’t sustainable let him find out that for himself!

What you have is someone else’s dream ..
Mine.
My ds is the same age/same stage in life but dogged with the social anxiety that high functioning ASD brings .
So, he’s in the house - all the time - unless out with me ..not being carefree, not having post A levels fun with friends, or doing sport due to significant anxiety barriers .
So my worries are as great as yours but at the other end of the spectrum ..
xxx