AIBU at how we were treated by my GD’s nursery?

[suzyq54]

I have known my best friend over 20 years. We meet up regularly for meals and know each other’s families. When my granddaughter was due to start nursery, we decided to send her to my friend’s nursery as she worked there and we knew she would watch out for my GD. Fast forward 18 months.
My GD is now 3 1/2. She came home one day about three months ago and said that a boy in nursery who we know is a year older had stuck his tongue in her mouth. She said no members of staff were around as they were all in the kitchen! I always thought a member of staff were always ‘on the floor’.
My daughter rang the nursery and spoke to my friend and told her what had happened and she requested that my friend speak to the boy’s parents to find out where he got the idea from and to tell them what had happened, my friend said we didn’t need to do this as it was just kids playing around and she knew the family and they were ‘lovely’. My daughter still wanted them to speak to the boys parents but was told that social services would have to be involved if they did this. Again my daughter asked that they be told so they said they would. It was to safe guard their little boy too in case he’d got the idea from someone else.
The next day she was told that the parents said they did not know why their son did what he did and that it wouldn’t happen again. No mention of social services!
From that day forward my family was ignored by the nursery staff including my friend. She cut me off immediately with no word and ignored my poor daughter and son in law when they dropped off or picked up my GD.
Two weeks ago they said they had to charge her £25 for being 25 minutes late( she had rang and told them why she was late and apologised) she asked for a copy of the contract she signed at the start stating late fees. The next day they said it didn’t matter as it was the end of term and they only asked for the late fee as someone on the nursery committee was visiting that day when she was late.
Also my GD is leaving to go to another nursery next September (arranged months ago to be at her brother’s school) my son in law asked could my GD graduate at the end of term too with her friends who were leaving to go to big school but they said no she couldn’t. She had to stand there while all her friends went up on the stage to say what they wanted to be when they grew up and had photos taken. She was very sad. She asked why she couldn’t go up on stage too and was told she was just a baby! She is actually a very articulate little girl not babyish at all.
Then today, the last day, my friend hugged all the other mum’s and again totally ignored my poor daughter.
Our family is so upset by this.
Were we wrong to want safe guarding for our grand daughter? Is this how all nurseries react?
We feel so sad and let down by how we were treated.
Were the nursery right to say it was nothing, just kids playing?

The other parents should definitely have been spoken to about the incident, they were palming you off with threats of social services involvement in the hope you'd shut up and go away. I agree with the nursery about the graduation though, it sounds like it was something they wanted to make special for the big boys and girls moving up to school, even if they could have explained that more tactfully.

There's a lot of nursery bashing on here lately, is this the current trend?

Yea other parents should have been spoken to about their child actions

No your dgd couldn't take part in graduation as she wasnt the nursey class graduating to school.
£1 per minute late fee is standard

A parent is well within their rights to discuss incidents with nursery staff; what they don’t have the right to do is to demand what happens next!
Oh, and nursery ‘graduations’ are pretty grim!

Kids do weird stuff. I agree they shouldn't just assume "nice families" have no abuse and they should inform the other parents that it happened, but if this was a one off, it's probably not a big concern. It's more odd there were no staff in her sight when she needed to find someone. I'm also surprised they reported the conversation with the other family to your DD.

Your DD has to pay late fees if she's late. Your GD couldn't graduate because she's not leaving to go to school - she's just leaving the nursery. That event wasn't about her or your DD.

You sound a bit like you expected special treatment and are annoyed that you were treated like everyone else.

Late fee is standard, graduation is only for children who going to school and strange you think a 3 year old can go who is not going to school. Re the other child the parents should be informed.

This

Why are you so involved with your grandchild's nursery?

As above yabu except about the tongue incident

I think the kiss was taken out of proportion if I’m being honest and you can’t really demand how the nursery deals with it - but I understand why you wanted the other family spoken to. Social services most definitely shouldn’t have been involved (so it’s good they weren’t called).

Late fees are standard

She couldn’t graduate because she wasn’t leaving to go to school, you can’t twist the rules to suit yourself

That being said if they have been stand-offish with you and ignoring your GD etc then that is also very unprofessional

You’re making this personal. It’s not about whether they are your friends.
Whenyour dd told them about the incident this should have been investigated however nursery should not be discussing any element of the situation with the boy and his family with your dd beyond a generic it’s being dealt with.

Being rude to you/your dd is extremely unprofessional. I’d have removed your dgc at that point.
The late fee sounds like a mistake
the graduation is for the children starting school, not the children leaving to attend another nursery. If they let you they will have to let everyone. Totally reasonable they said no.
Sounds like your dgc is better off for leaving

The first incident should have been dealt with by following proper safeguarding procedures.

The other two incidents; hefty late fees at standard at nurseries - staff overtime needs to be paid; and graduation is a special thing for the children leaving to start school, it's unreasonable to expect your GD to be included, she will have her chance next year.

The only thing they have done wrong here is treat your family differently after the incident with the boy.
They would not be allowed to tell you any details of what was said to parents or what was agreed afterwards.

Doesn't matter how sorry you are, 2 people have to stay at work late to look after a child when their parent is almost half an hour late, and someone needs to pay for that!

I just attended my first nursery graduation for my nephew and I have to say it was absolutely darling! All the kids seemed so mature and were clearly proud of themselves, it made my nephew feel really special getting to dress up and receive an award and now he’s even more excited for ‘big school’.

We never had them and it feels a bit American but it was really lovely.

I think the mistake you made was mixing a professional capacity with such a personal relationship. If I was your DD, I would be contacting the nursery managers to talk through issues not your friend that works there. It sounds like lines are being blurred due to your expectation that a close friend works their so may get your family some sort of leverage over others. It doesn't, instead it's complicated things and made it awkward for everyone.

Other than that i agree with PP's. The kissing/tongue incident definitely needed reporting to the parents or atleast kept an eye on. The late fee is normal and was actually valid from what you've said in your PP. The graduation is also solely for children moving to school, not other nurseries and is specifically a day for their achievements. Your DGD was right not to be included and that kind of shows my point about your family expecting favours within the nursery by your association to a staff member. YABU.

Sounds like they deserve to be bashed?

My daughter was not late after nursery was over but at lunch time, my gd only does half a day one day on a Friday.

We did not expect special treatment at all, we just wanted our DGD kept safe and for it to not happen again.

So that’s still late and would mean someone had to get paid overtime to cover. This sort of late fee is really standard. My nursery charged the same.

Graduation is… graduation. What an odd thing to think your granddaughter should do as she isn’t actually graduating. This is very strange.

the incident… who knows. Children aren’t super reliable witnesses and you shouldn’t know what other parents are being told. This isn’t even your child. You’re leaving anyway so there’s no problem.

You have mixed up a whole bunch of different issues along with expecting special treatment for your grandchild in an environment where every child needs to be treated equally specially.

The incident, they shouldn't have told you anything about what happened next other than they spoke to the parents.

The late fees, graduation is normal.

The ignoring is a bit rude but sounds like you may have been OTT over a minor incident.

1. the parents of the other child should have been informed and the incident looked into. If it a part of a bigger pattern than more should be done. They did not handle this very well.
2. your DD was late for her agreed pickup time. The fees for that are fairly standard across the industry.
3. Your Gd was not ‘graduating’ she was leaving, this is not the same thing and, I suspect, has only really become an issue for you GD because the adults in he life have made it one. A breezy explanation as to why she wasn’t ‘graduating’ and a ‘never mind, let’s get ice cream’ was all that was needed.

Always potential to be tricky when friendship is involved in a business transaction. I always keep the two separate.

No your gd should not have been part of the graduation.

Late fees are not unusual, regardless of whether it is at lunchtime. You should be apologising for being late and thanking them for dropping the charge.

Best for both parties your gd is moving as the relationship has deteriorated now.

Pure entitlement to expect your grandaughter to graduate, its for older children starting School. Cheek to ask as well, to be honest you sound as though you expected preferential treatment.
I think the parents of the child who allegedly put his tongue down your grandaughters throat should have been told.
Also your daughter was late, the fine was reasonable it does not matter what time of day it was.
I think it's best your Grandaughter goes to another nursery, learn from this and lose the entitlement.

The next day she was told that the parents said they did not know why their son did what he did and that it wouldn’t happen again. No mention of social services!

Of course not. What if any further action anyone took was not your daughter's business and they would have been breaching their duty of confidentiality if they told her.