to be annoyed that only women are expected to cuddle babies at work?

[pppaper]

This keeps happening and it's really starting to wind me up.

When a new mum brings a baby into work (usually someone on maternity leave visiting), it's always the women who are expected to fuss over the baby. The baby gets brought right up to us, even if we’re clearly trying to get on with work or not engage. I’ve tried ignoring it, but they literally come over and stand right in front of me with the baby.

The men in the office? Nothing. No one brings the baby near them. No one expects them to hold it or coo over it. They just smile and carry on with their day and that’s totally fine. But if I don’t want to hold the baby, I get comments like "But you’ve got children of your own!" Yes I do, but that doesn’t mean I want to cuddle other people’s babies. Especially not at work.

I’m tired of this unspoken rule that women should automatically want to interact with babies just because we’re women. Men are allowed to just exist and not get involved. I want the same.

My father loved babies and always took the opportunity to have a cuddle of his colleagues’ babies when they were taken to work.

Clearly there are men who love to cuddle babies in the office but it sounds like they are coming forward rather than having the babies thrust upon them.

I just say I'm scared to hold them because they're so small. Which is anyway true.

People do this at my work as well. I hate it because I haven’t been able to have children and I’ve had a few miscarriages in the past couple of years so it actually makes me really upset to have someone try and foist a baby on me. I’m happy to smile and say how cute and then leave. But for some reason that’s never enough.

I haven’t noticed this at all - pretty gender balanced in interest among my co-workers.

It’s usually those with children who are most interactive with small kids / babies that come in for whatever reason, as they know how to interact with them.

I've seen people flock to babies, but I've never seen babies marched up to anyone. You just work with numpties.

In all my years in offices I've only held 1 baby and that's only because I wanted to hold that one.

Oh my gosh I thought I was the only one. I hate when people bring in their babies. I'm ok for a quick, oh she's or he is beautiful...but that is it. I do not want to chat about them or cuddle them. I think only family/people in the baby's life should be cuddling them anyway

At our workplace, the new mum or dad emails their colleagues a few days before (both male and female) to gauge who is in and then gives a date and time when they’re in.

Then people gather round the new parent and baby. If anyone stays at their desk, they are not approached.

Do people actually do this? Pass their newborn around to be cuddled I mean. I def did not. Babies look pretty much the same imo so not really interesing unless it's close family/bf.

How often is this happening to you to make a post about it?

Just say don’t come near me I’ve got a cold 😂

Yeah I do know what you mean OP! I personally love a cuddle of a new baby, but the problem is my work is very stressful and busy and time-pressured (I’m a GP). So it puts me in a situation where I feel like I don’t want to be rude, and would genuinely love to cuddle and coo over the baby if I was on my lunch break etc, but when colleagues randomly appear with a baby at random times, I really feel like I seriously need to get on with my work!

So I usually show my face but try to avoid an actual cuddle these days as it’s harder to extricate yourself from that, and just say “oh she’s gorgeous!”, hang around for a few minutes then say “oh sorry I really have to get on!”.

You’re right though, the men smile and say “how lovely”! Then get on with their work, but the women are expected to spend a good 20-30 minutes fussing around the baby as if we have nothing else to be doing. And yes the baby is thrust upon you! We had a message on our WhatsApp group recently that a colleague was in with her baby but I was really under time pressure and had already clucked over this same baby the week before. So I tried to ignore it thinking others would assume I was busy only to have people knock at my door and say “look who’s here!” And thrust the baby at me 🤣 They did not do this to my male colleagues with the same job as me!

I guess in a way it’s just an extension of the whole “social” administration work that women are just expected to do for free in most workplaces (remember people’s big birthdays and set up collections for big events etc, sort out work parties and get-togethers, cook for “potluck” lunches etc). I am generally very good at avoiding all of that (though did feel a bit judged when I basically said I couldn’t cope with making something for the last potluck sorry, the men either don’t contribute or get their wives or mothers to cook for it and that’s all fine!). But you can’t easily avoid a baby being thrust in your face at an inconvenient time at work!

Thankfully I'm now too old and too senior to have anyone bother me with any of this shit.

When I was younger and more junior, I'd get asked if I wanted to hold the baby. "No, I'm good thanks".
And then asked if seeing the baby made me want one of my own.
"No, not in any way, shape or form".

Yeah I’ve had people asking me that. Telling me I’m getting older and really need to start thinking about having my own. Yeah I tried. It didn’t work. But i can’t say that obviously and i just have to force a smile and nod.

And then asked if seeing the baby made me want one of my own

Never witnessed a man being asked this.

There's another side to this. I felt horrendously bullied and shamed into bringing my babies into the office. It was the absolute last thing I wanted to do. I hated doing it but was treated like some sort of freak because I still hadn't been in by the time my mat leave was nearly over.

How were you bullied and shamed?

@pppaper monthly, which eventually built up to almost weekly, texts from multiple colleagues. Not counting all the Facebook ones but I think those were throwaway comments of people being polite and wanting to seem interested. But the texts were from colleagues who I suppose considered themselves friends and it was just too much. If I had to speak to my boss for any reason she'd be asking why haven't I been in to show the baby yet, everyone has been asking her etc. When I came in for a keeping in touch date and still hadn't brought the baby in, some of the reactions made me feel like some sort of freak. And a work friend overheard people gossiping in the staffroom saying what a shame it was, "especially seeing as we sent her off on mat leave with loads of gifts for the baby". I capitulated as I was embarrassed to think people thought me ill-mannered.

Exactly. I never discuss why I don't have kids (never wanted them), but for all anyone knows my husband and I might have desperately wanted them and been unable to have them.

Had the same with my work. I eventually took my 11 week old in and everyone who saw him was like he is really big now. Well yeah, I wasn't bringing in a preemie newborn in for cuddles so he could get sick. They are not dolls.
My boss made it an expectation that I would come in with the baby.

So, I do know what you mean and agree that it is almost always aimed at women in the office, but DH is one of the first to come out of his office to have a coo at a baby when one of his team brings their new one in. We don’t want any more but he loves little ones and would be happy to hold a baby for hours if asked to.

When men's partners have had babies, there is no expectation on them to bring the baby in I have noticed.

I haven't experienced this either. I'm not a baby person and have never held someone else's baby at work.

IME the mothers bringing in the babies, will mostly only "show" it to their closest friends and others need to actively show some interest and ask for a cuddle if they want one.

The only people with babies and young children at my workplace are all male. The women are older, more senior and generally have teenagers or adult children. I can’t say I’ve ever felt targeted by visiting babies.

I don't think there's any expectation to take your baby to work. I never did it with either of mine. I have seen men bring in their new baby (or more often their wife visit with the baby, as dad is back at work within a couple of weeks).