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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is a good enough reason to leave my husband

37 replies

Aimlessemptynester · 23/07/2025 14:02

First time poster and it may be a long one, so please bear with me...My husband changed jobs almost a year ago and had to move to a different part of the country. The whole family agreed that this was a positive move and would be good for everyone. However, whilst we were making these arrangements, my mum fell ill. So I didn't hand in my notice and carried on working at the same job, whilst moving in with my mum to look after her. My husband and children moved to the new house but, as her diagnosis was terminal, we knew this was only going to be a temporary arrangement. During this period, my job role changed significantly (major promotion) and I moved to a completely different division of the company, with completely new colleagues. My mum then died quite quickly, and I found myself in the space of a few months, without my mum, my husband, my children, my home, my lovely work friends and a job that I knew how to do.

A year later, I'm still here. I hated my new role and have finally quit. I have finally managed to sell and pack up my mum's house. And I should now be going to live with my family....only I don't want to. The kids are quite happy without me and pay me no attention when I go there. They are both just about to leave home for uni. And my husband is unsupportive and unwelcoming. The house feels like their house, not mine, and I'm feeling really lost and untethered. He hasn't actually done anything wrong though, and I think it is me that has changed not him. But after a year away, despite missing my children desparately, I don't want to live there. I just don't know where I do want to go though, and I now have no job and no home. AIBU to shake everything up and disrupt the family just because I have changed? Or is it time for me to do what makes me happy, whatever that might be?

OP posts:
GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 23/07/2025 14:06

Do you want to leave him? I mean that’s a good reason in itself.

But if you don’t actually want to be without him, it seems silly to leave him without trying to find a way of working it out!

Can one of you do your jobs remotely, for example? Or one of you work away from home in the week, and then come home on weekends? But if you don’t want to be with your husband any more then that’s fine.

What about your kids though? They must miss you and you then! How would it work re their arrangements if you split up and you remained in the “old” area?

Hedgedone · 23/07/2025 14:09

Your marriage can end for any reason.
Your children are moving on.
Time to think about what you want.
This may be a natural end.

TheresGoingToBeAMoidur · 23/07/2025 14:10

"And my husband is unsupportive and unwelcoming"

Are you sure it's just you who has changed? Has he always been unsupportive and unwelcoming, or is this new?

OnceIn · 23/07/2025 14:11

You don’t have to have a reason to leave your dh

Quirkswork · 23/07/2025 14:12

One thing about the kids is that they are of an age where they may not pay you much attention anyway as their lives revolve more around their friends and social lives. That doesn't mean they don't love you or don't still need you in some form or other.

Original poster
Aimlessemptynester · 23/07/2025 14:13

Sorry, I posted too quickly. Hopefully it now makes more sense. I think the kids would be upset about us splitting up, but realistically it is not going to affect them that much as they are leaving home soon anyway. I'm more upset that I've lost the chance to live with them during their last year at home, though that is my fault not theirs. I just don't know if I'm brave enough to break free and put myself first. I definitely don't have the financial or job security that I should have so it is going to be tough. And he is not a bad person...he just seems like a stranger now and not someone I have anything in common with. I am worried that this is a grief response though and something that I may end up regretting.

OP posts:
MyCoralHedgehog · 23/07/2025 14:13

I’d not sell the house yet. Go home and give it a month. You may find you miss them more than you thought and you don’t want a lonely middle age

YodasHairyButt · 23/07/2025 14:16

You’ve just lost your mum and had a very turbulent eventful year. Don’t make any rash decisions until the dust has settled maybe? Go home, be with your family and give it some time. If you still feel like this later, you can make whatever changes you need to. But it all might be a bit too raw at the moment and you need to take time to breathe. You and your DH might need a bit of time to find each other again, you’ve been apart for a good long while and it probably feels a bit strange and awkward for him too.

JohnDenver · 23/07/2025 14:25

Do not make a rash decision after a bereavement.

do not sell the house and put all the cash into the joint account.

go up there. Try it out for a few months. See how it feels.

if after a few months it doesn’t feel right, then see a solicitor for some advice and consider some therapy.

once you are sure this is where YOU are heading then discuss with DH and see how he is feeling.

If you are both in the same boat then it may be a mutually agreed split. Which may be easier than a contested split.

also reflect on whether this is a recent thing. Or has it been coming for a while.

as for the kids - you need to invest in that relationship now. Do not let it drift any further. Spend time with them doing what they want to do. Get to know them again. Develop the relationship.

Original poster
Aimlessemptynester · 23/07/2025 14:28

Quirkswork, thank you. I am in danger of not seeing past how hurt I am by their attitude, and not realising that they might still need me to be there, if only to ignore.

Theresgoingtobeamoidur, he has never been demonstrative, or even talkative. But I always assumed that he would be there for me. Now it feels as though he just isn't interested enough to consider how I'm feeling.

There could also be a bit of menopausal angst in this as well....a husband and 2 sons who suddenly seem to view me as a silly old lady who can't even hold onto a job and who has nothing of interest to say. They have their tv shows, and talk cars, and tech, and sport, and just say 'oh you wouldn't understand' quite alot. I feel as though I've gone from an intelligent professional career woman who used to be the centre of their world to someone completely inconsquential and valueless. Not being able to make the new role work, mainly because of the people, has knocked my confidence but this past year has also really made me feel as though there is a better life out there, which doesn't involve being made to feel small and worthless both at work and at home.

OP posts:
EvelynBeatrice · 23/07/2025 14:31

Only you know how much the bereavement has affected you but, as someone wisely said, it’s prudent to avoid making major life decisions in the first six months to a year after a significant death.

NuffSaidSam · 23/07/2025 14:35

A lot has happened. I'd see if you can access a bit of counseling before you make any drastic changes. Talk it through with someone.

My opinion though...it was over when you decided to stay after your Mum died. I think anyone in a good marriage would be desperate to get back to their family and would have gone as soon as possible. You don't seem to have been in any rush to get back. That says a lot.

Trickedbyadoughnut · 23/07/2025 14:38

I would start with some grief counselling before taking any big decisions.

You've been through so much, you can't possibly have been able to process it. My condolences.

Your DC may be hurt and protecting themselves. It might be the final straw to not move there. I think you need to be patient and try to spend time with them now, before they go to university. It will probably be quite difficult for all of you, but worth it in the long run.

For your H, it may well be that you are seeing things more clearly with distance. But it may also be the fog of grief.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 23/07/2025 14:41

Sorry I missed the bit about your children leaving for Uni, so forget the bit about how will their arrangements work.

I still think being unhappy is the main reason to leave him if you choose to. All the logistical bits probably just bring it to the fore.

nomas · 23/07/2025 14:43

I think you should move home for a while. You don't want him to be able to say in a divorce that you left and made a new life. You are entitled to a share of the house etc.

Hodgemollar · 23/07/2025 14:44

Aimlessemptynester · 23/07/2025 14:28

Quirkswork, thank you. I am in danger of not seeing past how hurt I am by their attitude, and not realising that they might still need me to be there, if only to ignore.

Theresgoingtobeamoidur, he has never been demonstrative, or even talkative. But I always assumed that he would be there for me. Now it feels as though he just isn't interested enough to consider how I'm feeling.

There could also be a bit of menopausal angst in this as well....a husband and 2 sons who suddenly seem to view me as a silly old lady who can't even hold onto a job and who has nothing of interest to say. They have their tv shows, and talk cars, and tech, and sport, and just say 'oh you wouldn't understand' quite alot. I feel as though I've gone from an intelligent professional career woman who used to be the centre of their world to someone completely inconsquential and valueless. Not being able to make the new role work, mainly because of the people, has knocked my confidence but this past year has also really made me feel as though there is a better life out there, which doesn't involve being made to feel small and worthless both at work and at home.

I imagine your children aren’t arsed about your job and are more taken by the fact that you chose to remain far away from them through your own choice.
They have nothing in common with you because you chose to live apart from them and as such aren’t a large part of their life.

DinosandRegrets678 · 23/07/2025 14:48

Your children are hurt. Go live with them even if it's only a matter of months until they leave home. Any time is precious.

I really don't understand the decisions you made but that's done. Get as much time in with them as possible.

Luckyingame · 23/07/2025 14:50

Live your own life!!!
What are you doubting yourself for?

Daleksatemyshed · 23/07/2025 14:54

Before all this you had a job and a family and a day to day routine Op, now through no fault of your own that's all changed and you must feel very adrift emotionally. Losing your DM is hard at any age, it changes your view of life once your parents are gone and on top of everything else you now don't know where you fit in anymore.
I'd go and join your family @Aimlessemptynester , even if you do end up divorcing your DH it's a decision to make with a clear mind, not in the middle of all this loss.

DinosandRegrets678 · 23/07/2025 14:54

Luckyingame · 23/07/2025 14:50

Live your own life!!!
What are you doubting yourself for?

She has kids. IF she wants a relationship with them, this is her last chance.

TheCurious0range · 23/07/2025 15:00

You haven't been with them for a year, by choice, not because of caring responsibilities, they had to get used to a new normal without you. It seems a bit of a leap to say they don't care. You're the one who cost to stay away from them because of your job ,I'd imagine they are feeling hurt.
Go back give it 6 months maybe 12 and see how things settle. Or did you stay because it gave you a reason not to be with them in the first place? If so you've already checked out at least of the relationship, now you need to return it how to salvage a relationship with your children.

Hodgemollar · 23/07/2025 15:05

The username is interesting, you are an empty nested because you chose to leave your family.

Relaxd · 23/07/2025 15:13

You’ve perhaps just got used to living apart but it doesn’t mean you won’t get used to living together again. I feel like this even sometimes after a long work trip away, and it can be easy to imagine a different life etc but you soon settle back in in practice but you have to give it some time. Give it a go for a few months at least and remember that if it doesn’t work out you can still review your decision if you want. It’s not a now or never thing,

WasThatACorner · 23/07/2025 15:15

@Aimlessemptynester your relationships with your boys was hoing to change anyway, you don't have to live with them to stay connected. It sounds to me like your confidence has been really knocked, try looking for activities / training etc that interests you and builds you up as a person. People who are interested in something are much more interesting ( meant kindly).

Don't slip back into a life you don't want with husband. If he cares enough he can reach out and try to rebuild your relationship too. It isn't all on you.

You only live once, make it good.

Swan6 · 23/07/2025 15:21

I live with 4 males
My husband and 3 sons
I seethe with resentment of what is expected of me ,and how the adult sons do fuck all.
Had I of had a year away,I know I would never want to go back .
Unfortunately 2 of mine will never leave home and never be independent,so I don't have any choices.
But you do.
You could try going home and giving yourself 6 months to see if you feel different
If not you can put the house on the market in January,but at least you knew you had tried