To think this is a good enough reason to leave my husband

[Aimlessemptynester]

First time poster and it may be a long one, so please bear with me...My husband changed jobs almost a year ago and had to move to a different part of the country. The whole family agreed that this was a positive move and would be good for everyone. However, whilst we were making these arrangements, my mum fell ill. So I didn't hand in my notice and carried on working at the same job, whilst moving in with my mum to look after her. My husband and children moved to the new house but, as her diagnosis was terminal, we knew this was only going to be a temporary arrangement. During this period, my job role changed significantly (major promotion) and I moved to a completely different division of the company, with completely new colleagues. My mum then died quite quickly, and I found myself in the space of a few months, without my mum, my husband, my children, my home, my lovely work friends and a job that I knew how to do.

A year later, I'm still here. I hated my new role and have finally quit. I have finally managed to sell and pack up my mum's house. And I should now be going to live with my family....only I don't want to. The kids are quite happy without me and pay me no attention when I go there. They are both just about to leave home for uni. And my husband is unsupportive and unwelcoming. The house feels like their house, not mine, and I'm feeling really lost and untethered. He hasn't actually done anything wrong though, and I think it is me that has changed not him. But after a year away, despite missing my children desparately, I don't want to live there. I just don't know where I do want to go though, and I now have no job and no home. AIBU to shake everything up and disrupt the family just because I have changed? Or is it time for me to do what makes me happy, whatever that might be?

I was ready to say “I want t lo leave” is a good enough reason all by itself, but I’m not so sure after reading your post.

I think a lot has happened to you in a short space of time, and like they say after a baby - don’t make any big decisions for the first year.

I know you’re a year in, but in your scenario I’d be inclined to move to DH but in my mind think of it as a test period for a year. If after a year I still don’t want to live there, then you can move out.

I say this as although you say you don’t want to move to DH, you also don’t WANT to find anywhere else to live either. If I’ve misread that and you’re actually excited to set up alone, then definitely do that. If you’re despondent about both options, then it suggests something underlying that might need addressing and it doesn’t make sense to blow up your marriage before you address that.

I just wonder whether, having had so many changes recently, it is wise to rush into another one - or is some kind of perverse instinct making you thrown another grenade into all you have known for so long? (Not judging, just putting it out there as a possibility).
Therefore I am with those who say take time to consider the decision. Why not go to the new area, see how it feels in the house, whether you can get a suitable job and so on for at least the rest of this year. Then if you still think the split is the right way to go, start the ball rolling.
As an aside, didn’t the DC like there GM and want her to be cared for in the best possible way in her last days?

Speaking as someone who spent 18 months living with a partner who had to work away during the week I know how difficult it can be. When he came back for weekends I felt he disrupted our routine and he felt he didn't quite fit in. It took a few months of living together permanently again for things to settle back down. I get the fact that it can be hard when the 3 of them are interested in things you aren't but if you may find some common ground. I imagine it could be equally hard for a man with a wife and 2 daughters to find some common ground as well. Have a good look at the area see what it has to offer and give it a try

I think if you want to want to leave your husband then that’s a good enough reason to leave. However, I wouldn’t make any drastic decisions at the moment. It sounds like you’ve had a lot of grief and upheaval recently which could be clouding judgement.

I think this is really good advice.

You’re in a period of great change in some major areas of your life (work, relationship, family, location, bereavement).

I would wait at least a year to make a major decision like leaving your husband. Let the dust settle on your bereavement. Focus on YOU- your health both mental and physical. See what 2026 brings you.

What was your relationship like before you moved to your mum's?
The facts are;

1. You moved out
2. You and your family have disconnected
3. You remained living separately even after your mum passed.

If you were a happy, close-knit family prior to all of this, the ideal choice to have made would have been to bring your family to your mum's with you.
You chose to move without your family.l, therefore, I assume you made an effort to go back home and spend time with your husband and sons daily or every few days?

It sounds like your son's were already teenagers when this occurred. I would have thought they were somewhat supportive of this move, because they would have been mature enough to understand that their grandmother needed you.

It sounds like your family dynamics weren't great before the move, and the distance apart had amplified this somehow.
If none of them seem to acknowledge you when you are there, I'd say there are some feelings of abandonment coming from them, including your husband.

Maybe you took the opportunity to move in with your mum as also time to think about your whether you really wanted to remain with your husband in the future.
Had you thought the time apart may make him yearn for your more? Because, it looks as though it's done the opposite.
There will be an awful lot of work that needs doing to get this marriage back on tracks again, if your husband and you want to.

I would say for sure, though that your kids need reassurance from you that you won't 'abandon' them again. Teenage years are the worst years to go through, and it looks like you weren't there.

You need to have deep conversations with them about how they feel.

I think maybe you need grief counselling alone and a serious convo with him about marriage counselling before deciding.

I think a decison made in your current state might just be a grief reaction

Honestly it sounds like you opted out of your family and are now surprised they’ve been fine without you

Thank you everyone for your messages. I do appreciate the feedback and to get a different viewpoint. I honestly don't believe that I left them. My kids knew that they could stay in the area with me, at my mum's, but chose to move away with their dad. This was the original plan, and made perfect sense. However I didn't have a choice other than to stay with my mum, and if I had the time again, would not have done anything differently. With the new job and caring for my mum, it did feel as though I was going through the hardest time of my life and, when I called them each evening and visited each weekend, there was no care or support. I guess I started putting up defences and pulling away in response, and by the time she died, I convinced myself it made sense to stay here whilst the house was sold and the estate wrapped up. Continuing to work in a job I hated so I could contribute to the family finances whilst living away from family felt like I was making all the sacrifices, with nothing in return. It is only now that it is time to live with them again that I realise how much I don't want to, and perhaps this has unconsciously been influencing my decisions all this time. And if, as some of you think, they were the ones feeling hurt initially, and thinking that I had abandoned them, then it puts a completely different spin on things, and better explains their behaviour. At 18, I thought the kids would have understood what was going on but I shouldn't have underestimated the upheaval they were going through, and it looks as though I have alot of ground to make up. However I still think my husband should have done better, and I am struggling to find the desire to reconnect with him. As you say though, it makes sense to give it some time to try and work things out. If I still feel the same by the end of the year then I can rethink. Thank you again for your responses.

OP, definitely consider therapy to tease out how you are feeling.

Leave from a position of strength, not weakness.
Think seriously about work, finances and housing.
Where you want to live.
After contributing financially for years, do not shoot yourself in the foot.

Have you an inheritance coming?
If so keep it in your solely named account.

We are here for you so let us help you tease this out if you wish.

Taking a year to really see what you want on your terms will be time well spent.
Perhaps move into your own bedroom in the house to give you some space.

Sharing a bedroom with someone you do not feel connected to is uncomfortable.
Take some space in the house for you.

My kids knew that they could stay in the area with me, at my mum's, but chose to move away with their dad.

You really cannot put a choice like that on teenagers. You are so caught up in the grief about your mum, that you have completely lost sight of your children's needs and you are expecting a lot from them. You are treating them like adults but 1) they were not adults at the time and 2) even at 18 they are very young.

I would not be making any knee jerk reactions. You were in love with your DH once - unless there's a backstory, you've just disconnected due to distance. This can happen surprisingly quickly, and you owe it to your relationship to move back and see what happens. Go out for cocktails, have romantic meals....see what happens, before making such a huge, life changing decision.

Re your kids, look, they are 18! All 18 year old's think that they know it ALL
and that they are the centre of the Universe. My 26 y/o daughter is still like this with me. My 28 y/o son is getting better as he ages. They are just self centred babies at 18, so don't read too much into that.

Maybe with your inheritance you can either retire, or take on a much less stressful job than the one you were doing. Re assess the whole situation one year from now, hopefully with some money behind you if you decide that you want to start over.

Don't forget to take "me" time. Sit in the garden with a glass of wine and a book. Get a massage. Treat yourself.