He told me a colleague was attractive

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My boyfriend has form for speaking to like I am one of his friends. I’ve asked him previously not to talk about other women in front of me.

This morning he was talking about one of the women he works with and he told me ‘oh yes, she is very attractive’. I hadn’t asked.

He never compliments me or my appearance but seems to be able to compliment other women to me despite me asking him not to.

He has also been quite un complimentary about my appearance previously. It just makes me feel like he is comparing me to these women and that obviously I’m coming up short.

He says that I am jealous and controlling by asking him not to talk about the appearance of other woman and that he can’t do anything right.

AIBU? Am I jealous and insecure? I don’t think I’d be so bothered if he made me feel like he found me attractive.

I wouldn’t think of criticising his appearance and then talking about other men that I found attractive. It would feel cruel to me.

He’s just not that into you.

You’re insecure but he isn’t overly into you by the sounds of it.

You obviously aren't getting what you need from this relationship, you want connection, he wants a mate. You aren't compatible. Do yourself a favour and find someone who deserves you.

You are insecure but this is probably why you think he is worth it, no idea why myself only you can answer that, is this really what you want?

He's criticised your appearance and won't respect a perfectly reasonable request not to tell you how attractive he finds other women. These sound like good reasons to leave, so why are you staying?

YABU because you are still with this guy

First post nails it.

You'd be very unreasonable to stay with this man. Ahead of you lies a long road of misery if you do, and when he eventually dumps you you'll be left with no self esteem and will blame yourself rather than acknowledging he'd been a prick right from the start.

He’s playing mind games with you - is this what you really want in a relationship? If not then leave him.

Yes, you probably are jealous and insecure. Because he's made you feel that way. A good partner lifts you, they don't make you feel worse about yourself.

This is negging: he is deliberately criticising you and praising other women to undermine your self confidence.

It's nasty, calculated behaviour and it will affect your self esteem.

You would be much better off finishing this relationship. He doesnt deserve you.

Realistically we all can think someone other than our partner is attractive, but most would not voice it out of respect for our partner and also to spare feelings. Some things are best kept to ourselves.

So he sounds insensitive and if he's made negative comments about your appearance, also unkind. Bad combination. Do not recommend.

A loving partner should make you feel loved and attractive, if he not doing that, you deserve someone who will.

I genuinely am not generally a jealous person. However, I just feel like some of his behaviours are disrespectful.

I might start pointing out every man who is more attractive than him. i do agree that I need to seriously consider ending the relationship.

I wouldn’t do tit for tat, I’d just end it like an adult

He's doing it on purpose, he knows you feel disrespected and doesn't care. This won't change.

Right. He has gone out of his way to make her feel jealous and insecure and then he blames her for having normal human feelings. Pretty shitty behaviour on his part, and definitely deliberate.

My ex used to (and still does to this day) tell me about all these women, wherever he went, that he knew fancied him. I got so bored with it in the end. Hopefully you’ll get bored of yours!

Bin him off and don't give him anymore headspace, he's a turd.

He’s a piece of shit

Who could be bothered with such petty, tit-for-tat behaviour? Just end the relationship.

Why are you with a man who has been uncomplementary about your appearance?

Jealous and controlling is what men say to put women back in their boxes for very normal behaviour.

You're young and have your whole life ahead of you. Just dump him and move on.

I wish I hant wasted 5 years if my life with my ex who was similar. He could never afford a meal out but had plenty for takeaways. Could never go out out woth me because he found it "overwhelming" but as soon as I worked away would be out partying and telling mutual friends I was jealous and controlling (when actually it was then opposite, if we ever went out together for a mutual friends birthday he'd say I looked like a slag because I had a dress on).

Look beyond this incident and see the bigger picture..

So he’s ignored your wishes and praises other women in front of you? Thats so disrespectful.
What he’s doing is making you feel insecure. You are not controlling and jealous just for not wanting to hear his thoughts on other women.
He puts you down as well and that will affect your confidence and self esteem.
Whats the bet he’s no Brad Pitt himself?

Im sorry OP I have no suggestions for this but I think you already know (LTB) 💐💜

This. He's negging you so you get jealous and attached. He's trying to make you insecure.

Dump his Andrew Tate arse now.

My partner was like this for a bit. I’m a fairly confident and I personally think, attractive person but over the years of him doing this it chipped away at my confidence to at one point I was a shell of who I used to be!! Thankfully we had many long and laborious chats about how it made me feel. I’m grateful my partner listened to my experiences as a woman and has become aware of how he grew up and how that impacted his view on women. He’s picking it apart now and I feel very secure now.

so two things here

1. IMO YANBU, it can really get to you especially if they aren’t showering you in love to help build your confidence
2. please sit down and talk to him (it took me 100s of chats and near break ups for him to listen!), if he is a decent man, he will listen and try to change. My partners not perfect and sometimes slips, but he acknowledges it and actively tries to avoid doing it!