Close friend ending her fertility journey… at the same time me and DH are ttc

[Rainbowrookie]

Just want some opinions on how to navigate this situation. My closest friend has confided into me last night over dinner that her and her DH have chosen to accept their fertility journey has come to an end after multiple losses, tests, and have accepted they will be a one child family. Their DS is a complete miracle baby and he is a lovely little boy.

Friend is ready for the next chapter on acceptance, which obviously must come with complex emotions.

However, me and DH have decided to begin ttc for baby number 2 in the coming weeks and although I do not want to put my plans on hold I am feeling really guilty. I don’t know whether I should tell my friend in advance, wait until I’m pregnant or what.

I have also experienced losses but very early on, we have both been incredibly supportive. I get the jealous / guilt feelings to an extent. Both had our DC’s at the same time roughly. But I know my friend will find it extremely difficult because she has mentioned blocking her colleague who’s just got pregnant on her Facebook last night whilst we were chatting.

I don’t want to lose her, any opinions / suggestions welcome please

Im.sure your friend wouldn't want you to feel bad about your situation. I had similar when I hot pregnant with my daughter (second child) just after my friend i hadn't seen for a few years told me she'd suffered a miscarriage the previous year. She had no kids at the time so I felt bed telling her but when I did i must have been a bit apologetic because she thought i was unhappy about it!
Perhaps wait until you are pregnant and your friends bound yo be happy for you

I can’t see how it will come as a surprise to your friend, she’s likely expecting it at some point. I wouldn’t tell her ahead of time – it might take you a while to get pregnant and she’ll then be anticipating it for longer than she has to. Just let her have her peace.

If you do get pregnant, all you can do is tell her with sensitivity. Her reaction and subsequent behaviour you can’t control.

It’s a traumatic journey and whilst you have sympathy for your friend you have to get on with your own life plans. If she is going to cut out of her life everyone who has a baby she will be left with few friends.
It’s sad not to able to have a second child but she has a healthy DC and many would give everything they own for that joy.

You sound like a very considerate friend. It must be an emotional time for your friend but she will be aware that however sad it makes her to see other friends share happy baby news, that is not the reason for her fertility struggles. If I were you I would just crack on with ttc. If you do get pregnant, you can then consider how best to share the news with her sensitively. Even if you conceive quite quickly then by the time you're ready to share the news then the initial impact of your friend's decision will hopefully have been dampened by time.

I was in a very similar position to your friend. I did feel some sadness/envy when friends announced their second pregnancies, but it wasn’t something I allowed myself to indulge in much - I have a happy healthy child. As time went on I’ve come to appreciate the many advantages of having an only child and your friend probably will too. I wouldn’t overthink it with your plans - personally I wouldn’t have wanted to hear about you TTC, just tell her when you’re pregnant as you would any other friend.

I had a similar sort of issue - secondary infertility for 5 years which we then decided enough trying... then my 15 year old stepdaughter fell pregnant - I shoved my feeling aside to offer support etc... 3 months after she fell pregnant so did I.... sometimes giving up is enough so I would just crack on with your plans and worry less about your friends reaction - it all might surprise you.

We had a long journey to parenthood and decided that once we'd succeeded in having DS that was it. Obviously, I can't tell your friend's feelings will work the same but I would say that personally - even before we succeeded - I was always happy for others and their successes. Of course I felt a bit sad it wasn't me, but pleased for them. After we decided to just have one I didn't look back.

Thank you. I really appreciate your perspective x

To be honest I don’t feel she will be too shocked either. I think I will wait until I’m pregnant to share the news x

I had some struggles with infertility and two miscarriages before having my daughter so saw several friends have children in the 3 years it took me to have my daughter. It was difficult of course, but their lives weren't mine and I did understand that. I wouldn't say anything now, just wait until there's something concrete to say. And be kind if/when you do tell her (I would have appreciated a text instead of in person as I didn't react well to one announcement of a friend who ended up with the same due date I would have had if I hadn't just had a miscarriage the week before) - but you'll know your friend best. You are obviously a very kind person but this isn't something you need to overthink

Thank you. I was exactly the same as you, before having my DC and going through losses I preferred texts in advance x

although I do not want to put my plans on hold I am feeling really guilty. I don’t know whether I should tell my friend in advance, wait until I’m pregnant or what.
I think this is a bit unhealthy tbh. You've nothing to feel guilty about, so you should probably reflect on what's underneath that.

Don't discuss your own pregnancy hopes right now, just support her with her reality. When you have a change in your reality, you can tell her.

I don’t want to lose her unfortunately this is not in your control. All you can do is be kind and considerate, and hopefully all will work out ok.

Anecdotally after all that to have my daughter it was totally smooth sailing when I got pregnant with my son. So it might go okay for you this time, crossing my fingers for you!

If she is a real friend she won’t begrudge u this

Guilty as in, she’s my best friend so I know it’ll hurt being around a pregnant woman whilst she’s grieving her / accepting her future. I feel it would be unhealthy to put my plans on hold, which I’m not x

Thank you! I’m praying our journey is smoother this time x

Thank you. I don’t think anyone going through loss or infertility begrudges as such, more like happy for you but sad/jealous for me x

Trying for baby no 2 is completely your right OP - it sounds like you’re both genuine supportive friends of each other so I certainly wouldn’t “tell her in advance” - although I can understand your reasons for doing it but I’d just find it patronising. I’d just treat her in relation to any other friend in relation to any pregnancy you will have.

A friend who got pregnant knew I wanted kids - I’m childless- and treated me very “different”. I didn’t feel bad about her being pregnant anyway I just acted normally but I think her ‘different’ treatment of me was weird

Can you set up the possible conversation and say ‘I’m hoping for a second, but who knows’ and then when you are preggo just text to let her know, keep it simple and follow her lead.

ive been in your situ (friend unable to have second, I knew this before I had either of mine) but she does bring it up now and then, but generally is very happy with the positives of having an only child (who’s now older and mine are in the difficult stage)

Id do exactly this - the only difference is I wouldn’t text first to tell of my pregnancy I’d wait until she contacted me first iyswim

Yes I think she is aware we’re thinking of ttc anyway due to previous convo in the past but I will just wait until im pregnant then tell her sensitively!

I really appreciate this advice, it’s good you pointed out about treating different. I will definitely tell her how things are going but will lead by how she feels, I’m not the sort of person to wave scan photos in front of struggling friends faces if you know what I mean

Good call

No and I’m sure you’re not someone who has the scan pic as your FB profile photo

I never told anyone when I was TTC, and I'm really not sure why women do. It’s private, it can take years and unless you’re struggling/want help I don’t understand this mania for sharing everything.

Wait until you’re pregnant again and past the twelve week mark, then perhaps pop a note through her door or send a text written very gently. Then leave it up to her.

But all this tiptoeing around people we do nowadays is bizarre - one woman’s ability to get pregnant has no bearing on whether or not another woman can. The world would be a far happier place if people were more accepting of the hand they’ve been dealt in life. Your friend has one healthy DC, and much therefore to be thankful for.