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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Close friend ending her fertility journey… at the same time me and DH are ttc

41 replies

Rainbowrookie · 23/07/2025 07:58

Just want some opinions on how to navigate this situation. My closest friend has confided into me last night over dinner that her and her DH have chosen to accept their fertility journey has come to an end after multiple losses, tests, and have accepted they will be a one child family. Their DS is a complete miracle baby and he is a lovely little boy.

Friend is ready for the next chapter on acceptance, which obviously must come with complex emotions.

However, me and DH have decided to begin ttc for baby number 2 in the coming weeks and although I do not want to put my plans on hold I am feeling really guilty. I don’t know whether I should tell my friend in advance, wait until I’m pregnant or what.

I have also experienced losses but very early on, we have both been incredibly supportive. I get the jealous / guilt feelings to an extent. Both had our DC’s at the same time roughly. But I know my friend will find it extremely difficult because she has mentioned blocking her colleague who’s just got pregnant on her Facebook last night whilst we were chatting.

I don’t want to lose her, any opinions / suggestions welcome please

OP posts:
TrayGertie · 23/07/2025 10:03

Rainbowrookie · 23/07/2025 09:55

I really appreciate this advice, it’s good you pointed out about treating different. I will definitely tell her how things are going but will lead by how she feels, I’m not the sort of person to wave scan photos in front of struggling friends faces if you know what I mean

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Yes I think this is definitely a sensible approach

Original poster
Rainbowrookie · 23/07/2025 10:15

HeyThereDelila · 23/07/2025 10:02

I never told anyone when I was TTC, and I'm really not sure why women do. It’s private, it can take years and unless you’re struggling/want help I don’t understand this mania for sharing everything.

Wait until you’re pregnant again and past the twelve week mark, then perhaps pop a note through her door or send a text written very gently. Then leave it up to her.

But all this tiptoeing around people we do nowadays is bizarre - one woman’s ability to get pregnant has no bearing on whether or not another woman can. The world would be a far happier place if people were more accepting of the hand they’ve been dealt in life. Your friend has one healthy DC, and much therefore to be thankful for.

I wanted all opinions so I am thankful to hear your perspective but I just felt the need to explain that ttc doesn’t have to be private and as someone who has lost pregnancies being open about your journey to close friends / family can take pressure off and gain support.

I can see why people choose to keep it private and I also understand why people choose to wait until 12 weeks to announce to friends or family but as someone who has lost pregnancies before I definitely can not imagine waiting to tell friehds

I think my friend would actually feel a bit hurt if I waited to tell her x

I personally think it’s nice to worry about friends feelings and be sensitive

OP posts:
GivingUpFinally · 23/07/2025 10:25

You sound lovely op. I've had secondary infertility issues and it was at times soul-destroying. We gave up and then wham, number 2 came along when we least expected it. I'm not saying that will be her experience but just sharing mine. Accepting that we weren't going to have another was huge but also wildly liberating to not be peeing on everything that hopefully gave some sort of line.

Personally, I would mention it to her first casually and share how you're feeling. This won't invalidate her feelings, or shouldn't but give her an honest heads up. I always preferred my friends being open and honest. And was always genuinely happy for them even though we were currently going through a loss or waiting for the next opportunity to ttc. I did feel a bit sad but never jealous, and was able to quickly move on. I wouldn't want to be surprised with a text out of the blue especially if you both are already very open and share your life's journey with eachother.

Good luck and I hope all goes well for her in the future.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 23/07/2025 10:31

I think she'd be in a good position to empathize with the stress of ttc

Don't expose her to any jokes about how quick and easy it was, when it happens, or moan too much to her about pregnancy symptoms. When you do get pregnant tell her by text.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 23/07/2025 10:32

Pottedpalm · 23/07/2025 08:19

It’s a traumatic journey and whilst you have sympathy for your friend you have to get on with your own life plans. If she is going to cut out of her life everyone who has a baby she will be left with few friends.
It’s sad not to able to have a second child but she has a healthy DC and many would give everything they own for that joy.

I agree. I have one and am quite sad at the momement that I may not have another as this is the age when lots of the nursery mums are having a baby number 2 and my son seems to want a baby!

Malaco · 23/07/2025 10:49

Didimum · 23/07/2025 08:17

I can’t see how it will come as a surprise to your friend, she’s likely expecting it at some point. I wouldn’t tell her ahead of time – it might take you a while to get pregnant and she’ll then be anticipating it for longer than she has to. Just let her have her peace.

If you do get pregnant, all you can do is tell her with sensitivity. Her reaction and subsequent behaviour you can’t control.

I agree with this

PixiePuffBall · 23/07/2025 10:51

I would definitely not mention you're TTC. It's between you and your DH and it'll make her feel bad. If you become pregnant then of course you can tell her at that point

OhHellolittleone · 23/07/2025 13:10

TrayGertie · 23/07/2025 09:51

Id do exactly this - the only difference is I wouldn’t text first to tell of my pregnancy I’d wait until she contacted me first iyswim

Edited
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So I see what you mean about contacting first,
but what if she doesn’t ask?

I had a friend who was trying for a long time and I had a baby, when it came to being preggo again I didn’t want to text straight away (guess what I’m 5 weeks preggo etc!) but when I got to 20 weeks I felt I had to tell her (via text of course) as she’s either hear from someone else (school friends that don’t live close) or I’d suddenly have a baby and she’d feel like I’d cut her out and her thought might be that I’d done it because she’s not preggo and our relationship isn’t the same.

TrayGertie · 23/07/2025 13:12

OhHellolittleone · 23/07/2025 13:10

So I see what you mean about contacting first,
but what if she doesn’t ask?

I had a friend who was trying for a long time and I had a baby, when it came to being preggo again I didn’t want to text straight away (guess what I’m 5 weeks preggo etc!) but when I got to 20 weeks I felt I had to tell her (via text of course) as she’s either hear from someone else (school friends that don’t live close) or I’d suddenly have a baby and she’d feel like I’d cut her out and her thought might be that I’d done it because she’s not preggo and our relationship isn’t the same.

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I’d tell her if she doesn’t ask but I’d tell her only if she instigated a social meet up iyswim

OhHellolittleone · 23/07/2025 13:26

TrayGertie · 23/07/2025 13:12

I’d tell her if she doesn’t ask but I’d tell her only if she instigated a social meet up iyswim

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Fair enough, I think people are usually very sensitive about pregnancy/ fertility and leaving it too long can be just as bad as telling them face to face (noooo) or really early.

Original poster
Rainbowrookie · 23/07/2025 13:35

OhHellolittleone · 23/07/2025 13:26

Fair enough, I think people are usually very sensitive about pregnancy/ fertility and leaving it too long can be just as bad as telling them face to face (noooo) or really early.

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We meet every week or two so she would probably know as she would see right past me! My friends the sort of person that would struggle when I tell her but also want to be the first person I told… haha

OP posts:
Superscientist · 23/07/2025 13:42

A close friend of mine and I have been TTC number 2 at the same time. I have had a few miscarriages whilst she has been on an IVF journey so neither a straightforward path. As the dice has rolled my last attempt looks to be successful currently 30 weeks whereas her IVF journey has now come to an end. Since my latest pregnancy I've let her lead the conversation, I start with her and how she's been doing and then we come to how I have been doing later. Since her journey has come to an end I've reached out once and let her know I'm here and will leave it a little while before messaging again.
It is hard when you have different experiences and for its been about being mindful about topics of conversation going at her pace and trying to keep a look out for cues that the conversation is a bit too much for today.

TrayGertie · 23/07/2025 13:55

OhHellolittleone · 23/07/2025 13:26

Fair enough, I think people are usually very sensitive about pregnancy/ fertility and leaving it too long can be just as bad as telling them face to face (noooo) or really early.

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Yes .. agreed .. it’s a very difficult thing to get absolutely right and some might say there’s no easy way to do it

Allswellthatendswelll · 23/07/2025 14:06

I think tbh you are being too good/ sensitive a friend. We had secondary infertility for about 18 months. It was hard being around people announcing their subsequent pregnancies but just a normal part of life. I tried not to let it affect my friendships. We now have a second so I know maybe it's easy for me to say but I have a few friends who can't get pregnant at all and I can see how they might want to not see us as much. But secondary not so much.

Laura95167 · 23/07/2025 22:05

Tbh if youre TTC theres no guarantee you even have anything to tell her for a while.

Id wait until you are pregnant

TrayGertie · 24/07/2025 05:28

Yeah I think your friend might take any future pregnancy you have n her stride more than you think OP

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