To be terrified to be home alone?

[DiamondRing7]

Hi, just posting in case anyone has any advice or tips or has experienced similar

I’m absolutely terrified to be home alone at night. It’s dark, lonely, really scary and I end up cowering in my room too afraid to even close my eyes and sleep. I’m scared of my house being broken into, I’m scared of being murdered, I’m scared of ghosts/demons/spirits (even though I don’t believe in them!) My brain just seems to imagine scary things and then I can’t stop thinking or worrying about it. And hearing normal cracks/sounds from things like wind just terrifies me even more- even though I know logically it’s literally nothing spooky at all. I’m 27 but still live at home and am saving to buy a property, but because I live with my family I’ve never really had to be home alone much so I’ve mostly avoided facing my fear

Anyway, I acknowledged that I need to fix this because ultimately I’m an adult and I need to be able to go to sleep whilst home alone. My family are all away on holidays this week and I made an excuse that I was unable to get time off work, when in reality, I just need to face my fears. I know once I’ve done it several times I’ll just get used to it but it’s so terrifying. I’m sitting in my bedroom right now absolutely petrified even though all the lights are on

I’ve been to therapy etc already which didn’t really help much. I’m not normally an anxious or scared person apart from this. I just know I’ve got to force myself to get over this by facing it head on

the worst part is I have a respectable professional job (think lawyer, accountant etc) but yet can’t even cope being myself at night?! I feel so ridiculous

for context so as to not drip feed, I wasn’t raised by my birth parents for the majority of my childhood. My parents (as I call them) who raised me were utterly amazing, but unfortunately I witnessed a lot of chaos before then, and a parent whom I had no contact with managed to get our number and called to say he was going to slit my throat. I was 13 so old enough to understand the threat and was terrified. Thankfully now he cannot hurt me, and I’m not scared of him because I know it’s not possible for him to hurt me now, but I think that just made me more frightened in general and it contributed to my fear

but yeah, if anyone has any advice on how I can get through the next week it would be really appreciated x

Therapy OP. I would imagine you have some unresolved trauma from that experience as a 13 year old.

That sounds really terrifying. Im sorry you went through that.

Could a friend come stay with you?

therapy for phobias is very effective but it is hard work.

you need to be prepared for the idea that when you stay home alone (especially the first night), you will get scared. but have a plan for how to cope, and when you get to the morning you will be so much stronger and able to do it again.

when I used to babysit in other homes and was scared at night, I would watch disney movies all evening because you can't get scared when watching The Little Mermaid etc.

And if you can get therapy in place asap, then do it.

I used to feel like this at a similar age (also had childhood trauma). It gets easier.

OP I think you're really brave for facing your fears and trying to overcome them on your own. I've got 5DD's all grown and flown so I really just wanted to send you a Mumsy hug and say well done! I'm up because I'm a bit of an insomniac these days - there's always somebody around on mumsnet.

One second at a time OP. Then one minute. Then one hour. Moment by moment, the time will pass.

You are ok.

You are safe.

In just a couple of hours or so, the sun will start to rise once more.

Look into relaxing hypnotherapy videos on YouTube or soft music; that might help before you have the chance for therapy.

You are doing really well and can be so proud of yourself ❤️💐

It's nearly an hour since you posted and that's another hour when nothing dreadful has happened. Do you mind being alone in the house during the day or evening? Is it easier in the summer when the hours of darkness are shorter? You're being very brave to challenge your fears, I wish I had more practical help to offer.

I don't have that type of trauma in my past, so I'm not sure how useful my tips will be, but I've never lived alone for more than a few weeks at a time and also feel more anxious in an empty house at night. As it happens, DH is away to visit family, so this is very much on my mind at the moment!

A PP suggested Disney films, and a version of that is my top tip. Watch something that you find familiar and comforting. I like comedies or light period drama for this. Just having the noise of the TV in the background helps a lot.

Second tip: I make a cocoon for myself in my room. Plenty of soft, warm lamplight, my phone and laptop next to me on the bed, and any other small comforts that relax me, like a nice drink or my favourite scented lotion. I try to frame it as a pamper session.

Third: Logically, I know it makes no difference (though I also know that it's incredibly unlikely someone would try to break in), but it makes me feel safer to put a chair in front of the door and cover every window with a curtain, so that's what I do. If I'm feeling vulnerable, I might sleep in more clothes than usual, with slip-on shoes by my side of the bed, so that I'm ready to go in an instant.

If you can, tiring yourself out beforehand with exercise, housework, etc is probably a good idea.

I hope you've been able to relax enough that you're no longer awake reading all this!

You can do this , if you are having therapy it a good start , now you can't sleep , would a night light help do you think. I am awake after losing a partner ,all the best could you try a warm drink it will soon be dawn anyway l think you are very brave , l must try now to get some sleep as l am very tired as well , all the best

Oh OP you poor thing. Well done for facing your fear. I think it’s very common to feel frightened to sleep at home alone (I don’t feel happy about it either!), so don’t put yourself down about it. And of course you feel frightened when someone who was meant to take care of you threatened to harm you in such visceral language when you were still a little child (I’m so sorry that happened). Everything you’re saying makes sense and you should feel proud of yourself for having such a lovely relationship with your parents and having achieved so much in your life.

Lots of good suggestions from PP. The only further things I’d suggest would be to lean into the pamper night vibe and in particular be careful with internal dialogue of how you think about the night. Don’t think “it’s such a long night what am I going to do” when you can think “It’s such a treat to be home alone, I have lots of time to do things I enjoy.” And make a list of all the things you enjoy that you can do, and plan yourself a little schedule to cover the whole night. You can choose whether to put something off in favour of a nap. Even google ideas if you need to!

I am sure the fact you’re having trouble falling to sleep makes you feel even more panicked. Try to surrender to the fact that you struggle to sleep when you’re alone and that’s ok. You’ll be tired in the day, sure, but that’s also ok. You’ll survive, and you’ll even catch up on some sleep next week. It’s no big deal, and you are more than capable of doing well with a few disturbed nights.

You got this!

Exposure therapy. It can creep you out at first but you get used to it. You can always try nightlights so it isn't totally dark.
I find pets very helpful in the long term. They can alert you to anything strange and if you hear a noise you can always convince yourself 'it's just the cat/dog!'
I live in a victorian terrace and if a neighbour makes lots of noise suddenly it really sounds like it's coming from my house.....I almost wet my pants everytime!😅

You poor love.

I remember when I was a teenager worrying that I’d never be brave enough to live alone. But I have. But I didn’t have your horrible experience at 13.

A cat might help. And radio 4.

You’ve got this.

I was the same op, I also grew up in an abusive household (not sure if there’s a connection ?) But yes I was terrified of ghosts and being raped or murdered.
I rarely slept alone and when I did I barely slept and kept the light on all night. I moved straight into my dp house when I moved out. The first time I was properly alone was when we split up. The first few nights I was terrified but then I got used to it . I just needed a bit of time to adjust. In recent years I did a mindfulness course and CBT to improve my mh I found both of those have helped my fears - the dark, wasps, flying. I am able to manage my thoughts better which means my body is less reactive. I also know people who have had positive experiences from hypnotherapy

I feel the same OP. Dad died in the night when I was a child.donr even like being upstairs on my own with family downstairs! When I have been here alone all lights on .phone by me .warm milk and light tasty snacks. Nanny McPhee.101 dalmatian. The good life or similar. Go to bed when really tired. Maybe a hour later .a paracetamol to relax me.

There are two bits to this - the trauma from your childhood- not just the threat, but the chaos and the attachment difficulties from not living with your birth family.

Then the fear - which is perhaps a trauma response.

Therapy, for the first - which you’re doing.

In the immediate term - lots of great suggestions already. You could also challenge yourself to learn to knit/crochet (or similar) - the repetitive action with soothe your nervous system and keep your “thinking brain” in charge. Plus, if you get good at it, you’ll create some beautiful things out of your fear.

Sorry that you have had those experiences. The good thing is you have said yourself that the fear starts to reduce once you have to spend a few nights alone. This means you will be able to get over this when you leave home.

I used to be terrified of sleeping at home alone when I was in my twenties.
I got through each night by leaving lights on and always having the radio on. And frequently getting up in the night to wander round the house checking each room.
It does get better OP. I'm much older now and I've lived alone now for many years and manage reasonably well. Having security cameras certainly helps me feel better.

I’m not sure if this is good advice but what helped me was accepting that I will die tonight 😂. It’s a bit like my fear of flying, when I get on a plane I calmly accept that I’m about to die and then I’m so delighted when I land and I’m still alive. When I’m home alone at night I just try to think ok tonight’s the night I’m obviously going to die, no point fighting it, and then in the morning I’m like hurrah I’m still here!

It’s a trauma response and totally understandable. You are being incredibly brave facing your fears in this way. Continue with therapy if you can and also take some practical measures to make you feel safe. Has your bedroom got a lock? If not look at adding one or a door stop to prevent it being opened from the outside when you are in it. Make it as “safe” a space for you as you can. Cosy, nice lights, warm etc. and put something totally benign on the telly. Good luck xx

You're not alone in feeling like this - I do too.
I'm a single parent, in my 30s, with 2 primary school aged children.
What helps me is to leave a lamp on downstairs, there's just enough glow when I'm upstairs that it's not pitch black when I open the bedroom door to go use the bathroom. I turn on every light when I need to go get something from downstairs or even just along the landing. I live in a semi detached house & convince myself that any slight noise is the neighbours (hoping it's not my DC waking up!) I agree with PP, easier to blame any noises on the cat, but we don't have one.
There are nights it's easier, but on nights when it's difficult, I put Friends on Netflix & usually nod off ignoring it.

I leave a couple of random lights on so from the outside you wouldnt be able to tell if anyone is still up or not. I have a bolt on my door and one of those wedges that sets off an alarm if anyone tries to open it. And my phone by the bed so I can use the time bought by the wedge snd bolt to dial 999. Not that I have any particular reason to be afraid but always have been. My fear is of waking up to someone already in the room.

This is your subconscious mind doing it's best to protect you, because that's what it does, however it's working on old, outdated information from when you were a child which is no longer relevant. Hypnotherapy/remedial hypnosis could help pretty quickly - you should feel a change after one session.

Morning OP. I hope you finally managed to sleep.

Full your day today. Make a plan for this evening. Lots of tips shared already.

Definitely look for EMDR or similar for your trauma.

When I was younger I would feel 'safer' in certain homes. When you come to buy your own you'll find one where you feel safe and make it home.

My friend was like this and used to sit in her car when her partner was out. She also had childhood trauma.

She had EMDR treatment and is a lot better and now can be alone in her home.

I had this and it came from an unresolved childhood fear. I was always terrified of being on my own at night. I always had a really good night’s sleep in hotels! Finally circumstances meant that I was going to be living completely alone in my early 30’s after years of house shares and a long-term relationship ended.

i had hypnotherapy and it really worked. I am very old so i was given tapes to listen to of the sessions between the sessions to keep reinforcing the new thoughts I guess. I basically explained how the fear had arisen, he hypnotised me and we went through the same event but with a different outcome if you see what I mean. It was all about feeling safe rather than afraid.

I went from not being able to be alone at night to living in a ground floor flat on my own and feeling fine.
I probably had about half a dozen sessions and the tapes to listen to in between.

He explained to me that because my parents had never helped rationalise the fear or explained it (I was probably about 7 or 8 when the event happened) it had just got stuck. That’s why when I see on here about children being afraid at night I always want to say ask the child why they are afraid! Get to the bottom of it.