AIBU to find being a stay at home mum exhausting?

[Gmary20]

I have a great life, my husband is kind and caring and earns enough to support the family without me having to work while we have young children. I have a gorgeous, inquisitive and caring 20 month old daughter who I love more than life itself.

But, am I the only one who finds being a stay at home mum completely exhausting? I resort to putting the tv on for my daughter a lot as I just don’t have the energy to be constantly playing with her and she can’t entertain herself for long.

I take her to a play group a few morning a week and we go to the park a few times a week as well, I’m just finding it so exhausting. I kind of dread the monotony of waking up and having to make breakfast again. All I want is a break for a little bit. We have no family near by so we never have any help with childcare.

What confuses me is how people go no screen? If anyone has any advice I would appreciate it because without the telly I would have a toddler attached to my leg crying 12 hours a day and I would never be able to get anything done or have any peace. How did people be stay at home mums with babies and toddler before the Tv was invented?

Please send help, and advice. I’m not complaining I’m just exhausted. Thank you.

Could you not get a job for day or two a week and put her in nursery? Just for a change?

It is exhausting. I was never a SAHM but on weekends, holidays, random days off etc when mine were little what helped was to be out of the house. ALOT. As much as possible. Makes the days go much faster and also tires them out.

A lot of adults find playing imaginative games with kids really hard, and somehow it really draws your attention to all the things you aren’t “getting on with” around the house.

I also think going back to work a couple of days a week if too can, and using a nursery for those days, is a good idea. Nursery is much better for them than screens!

It can be quite exhausting and monotonous. I found a daily walk, feeding ducks, going on a bus ride, shopping at the greengrocer to identify fruit and veg, enjoying the activities provided by the library provided a break.

I echo the point about nursery. What I find hard at the weekends is seeing all the things that need doing and it distracts me. With the free hours could you do nursery a couple of mornings a week to get everything else done and feel more able to relax into playing?

(Fwiw I work and there’s no way I could be a sahp. I don’t have it in me.)

More toddler groups and meeting for play dates kept me sane. I also found having a few pre-school DC easier because they entertained each other.

Doing the same thing over and over can be monotonous, so try getting out everyday and shake things up a bit. A different park, libraries, soft play, galleries, museums, swimming, cafe etc.

At home try to set up sensory activities, read stories, sing songs with actions, get some chunky pens and large sheets of paper and model mark making. I would also engage her with whatever you're doing, using descriptive language. Get her to 'help' with laundry, sweeping and wiping.
Use any nap times to have some down time.

It is exhausting particularly with a toddler. Don't stress yourself about using the TV to get stuff done.

I found it helped to have vague plans about the day e.g. park, painting, x and y house jobs. If I started the day with no plans at all it made it feel more monotonous. Leaving the house each day even for a little bit helped too.

Young children are lovely but definitely exhausting and repeatative.

I second that of @CsTheDay-library, park , walk, feeding ducks at the canal, anything to pass the time . I can’t remember what age I started using basic jigsaws and of course you can read books with them. Did a couple of music style classes a week too then made friends there and met up with them maybe at a softplay or farm type place weekly too. It isn’t easy at all. Started my dd at a private nursery three mornings a week when she was 2.5 years old as she needed more stimulation and it gave me a break too .

We’re no screen and it’s actually a lot easier bizarrely. We’re mid reno (which is a whole different nightmare) but it meant that the tv went away at Xmas and then out of choice we’ve left it that way.
I found it was entirely me using it as a crutch and has meant I then fill my time doing so much more because it’s not an option. I’d def recommend having at least a week without, you’ll feel lost for a couple of days but then there’ll be other stuff you fill your time with without even noticing.

Why on earth wouldn’t it be exhausting? is a nanny allowed to find their job exhausting? Yes

You are providing childcare for a mobile child all day. To stimulate them and to make sure they are well cared for, is a lot

Is your child eligible for any funded hours once they turn 2? Can they go to preschool or playgroup a couple of days a week so you can have a clear diary for some appointments or to tackle house stuff?

otherwise- be out the house as much as possible, regular routine of playgroups, ensure you have a rest during their naptime or quiet time. TV on all day is likely draining you more and making the day crawl by.

and re: no screens. By ‘no screens’ most people tend to mean ‘I don’t shove a phone in my child’s face at the slightest inconvenience nor do they have their own tablet’. Most 2 year olds are watching a bit of CBeebies. It is fine.

It is absolutely exhausting! Thank god for cebeebies. Don't feel guilty for a bit of TV.

But everything that PP said about getting out more and involving your DD in the housework/cooking etc.

Also have you made any friends at the playgroups you go to? Can you suggest coffee out or at yours after the group? I found a nice tribe that way. And we ended up spending hours in each other's houses/gardens and the local park in those preschool years. Parenting is easier when you're doing it alongside others

I would rather sit on a cactus than be at home all day.

a lot of people will say ‘you’re mad, you don’t have to work, enjoy yourself!’ But I work term time only and I find in the holidays it IS exhausting in a different way to the daily drop off work pick up routine, both have their positives and negatives but I find in the hols I just want to be out ALL day or the house is absolutely trashed and my dd just wants snacks and ‘play doctor mummy!’ Which is Lovely and she’s so adorable but after an hour or so playing her games it gets a bit much! Also trying to do anything meaningful in the house is hard, anything like cooking anything intricate or lengthy , deep cleaning or sorting clothes etc. all the SAHM’s I know will have their own mums or sisters look after their kids so they can get jobs done! And they often want childcare at weekend to have a break and go out on a date night or girls night more than myself and my working friends do, So really they are using childcare just in a different way! (This is not a criticism I mean that being a SAHM isn’t a walk in the park - literally!) Is there any way you could look at working maybe 15 hours or so and claiming some free nursery hours, or use a child minder maybe. All the influencers you see online doing sourdough, batch cooking, making everything from scratch etc with small kids and are SAHM, they all have help with the kids believe me!!

SAHM of a 15m DS here! I probably have more interactive toys than is probably appropriate tbh, and don't go to that many classes as he's not a big fan of other children yet and I'm an introvert.

I find I am okay with certain aspects of the monotony as routine keeps my brain happiest, but sometimes I do have to put Bluey on for my own sanity 😂

Sometimes I do softplay, most days we get out for at least a walk, term time we always have at least one regular class booked. Am lacking mum friends, but wouldn't change my time with him ofr the world.

I echo the suggestions of maybe a couple of days at a nursery could help you even if it's just to do chores in peace!

It is monotonous and lonely and I worked part time. That helped a lot as did getting time for myself at weekends. Getting out the house and making the most of nap times. When my husband got home I would leave him with the kid and get some quiet time either doing housework or stuff for me. I didn't really do TV when they were really young but do now-no judgement. They love to 'help' with housework and sometimes it's about setting up an activity like wiping windows they can do while you do other stuff like clean.

Just go back to work if you’re not enjoying it. Being a SAHP suits vanishingly few people longterm.

Unfortunately the reality is the less screen time you give her, the better she will then be at independent play. I don’t commit to any weekly thing but do various things throughout the week - outdoor playgroups as and when, sunflower/strawberry picking, a walk in the countryside, farms where you can feed the animals, garden centres, somewhere you can watch trains or canal boats! I drive but even a short trip on the bus to the charity shop and for a coffee is an adventure for them. I met other mums on peanut and that really helped with play dates too.

I do find it easier in summer to be screen free in honesty, I feel like in winter you have to spend more money to be out of the house doing things and I do spend a small fortune on having a range of toys at home and in the garden. It can feel exhausting in the early days but if you have another you realise how quickly it all really does go (and they become great at playing together).

It's tiring but for me it was enjoyable. The way I got around the monotony and having to be an entertainer was by getting out more - we'd be out of the house for school hours (so 9am-3.30pm). Hard work but more stimulating for me and the dc. Had a big schedule of toddler classes, playgroups, stay and plays, a check list of different playgrounds, libraries, soft plays, museums, theatre and attractions. I liked the teacher-led classes as they'd take on an entertainer role, rather than the free play ones where the child needs a bit more input. Theatre shows are great as you can just sit there enjoying the show with them, and there's a lot of choice through the summer holidays.
Then a picnic lunch and buggy nap fills a lot of the afternoon.
I'd get bored going to the same play group and park every week, and so would dd!
We started her at a morning preschool from age 2.5 and I'd definitely recommend that. By that age she'll need the social interaction and have the independence to enjoy time away from you.

I’ve been a SAHM for 12 years, it’s hard, really hard and boring too! But just remember there are good days and bad days like every other job. It can feel like Groundhog Day and that’s ok and totally normal. Tv is ok too and a few sessions on iPad a few times a week! You do what you have to do to get through to the next day, no guilt needed! Hang in there! you are doing what’s best for your family, it won’t last forever.

What is an okay amount of tv time do people think? We do probably an hour over the course of the day, three twenty minute sessions to break up the day but I do worry a lot that it’s too much but then I just don’t know!

It’s continuous, there are no start and finish times, no breaks or holiday. You are an adult who needs adult stimulus. Being a SAHM is both a rewarding and demoralising time. People will look down on you but you know your child is in the best possible care. I to had no family help. I’m proud of that now. You pay the price though. I know it feels like it but it won’t last forever. Saver every moment and make special time for yourself, mentally and physically. You need ‘me’ time or you lose you. I’m at the other end now. My children are 16 & 22. I sometimes feel I’m useless and no good to anyone anymore. But I’ve recently found a very rewarding job in care which is sort of like looking after children but I get to go home without them! But definitely make a difference to their lives. You will find your way.

This sounds lovely but does it not cost a small fortune ? It’s week one of the summer hols with my 3 year old and I’ve already spent £36 on two theatre tickets, £8.50 for a toddler class, £5 for a church stay and play, that’s not to mention lunch and coffee, snacks to pack, travel and parking ??!!

You have to go out! Every. Single. Day.

Our routine was basically
6 30 -7: wake up
7- 7.30 - stories in bed/get dressed
7.30 - 8 - breakfast
8-9 - brush teeth etc, do jobs at home toddler helps put laundry on, tidy/clean. Toy mop & brush.
9- 9.30: GO OUT. Rotation of: swimming pool, parks/woods, library with rhyme time session, duck pond, supermarket with cheap cafe, toddler groups, meet a friend with another toddler
11- home, bit of playing - blocks, simple puzzles, crayons and paper, shape sorters etc.
11.20 prep lunch - get toddler to help or give toddler pretend food to role play with etc & chat about cooking
11.30 - lunch.
12.00 nap
Mine would nap 2- 3 hours at this age. If you can, use a bit of the time then to prep the tea!
2.30 - snack then play. Rotate rooms and flip between playing with and doing jobs. Eg start in kitchen with snack, give them craft activity to do (playdo, crayons, paints inside large sandwich bag taped to tray etc) - 20 mins
Move to sitting room, get out blocks/puzzles etc for 20 mins.
Move to their bedroom to put away laundry you did first thing then read some stories.
Try and fit in a short walk - go to a postbox, pop in on a relative or elderly neighbour, wander past a farm, visit a friend, walk to hair salon & book in person etc
Make something for pudding that they can help with - rice pudding where they can help scoop up rice or pour a little cup of milk with help

In summer you want all the play bit to be outside - big chalks on patio, water all the plants with little watering can, water table, sandpit with diggers and spades and tubs OR patch of soil they can dig or muck about in,

• toys like vehicles, walkers, toy prams/mowers and early ride on type things
• as they get older little trampolines etc.

4.30 - tea
5pm - tv until 5.30
5 30 - 5.45 - tidy up etc
5 45 - go upstairs, run bath
6 15 - out of bath, brush teeth, get pjs on, choose book
6 30 - stories & milk
7.00 bed

Make sure you see other adults every day

I'd actually avoid constant teacher led classes. They do sort of have to learn to amuse themselves and not be constantly entertained or you get a 6 year old that won't play by themselves.

When my son was young I taught him to read.... just so I could get some bloody peace!!! He used to love Thomas the tank engine video whilst I whizzed round with the hoover. He's now 20 and still koves train Lol