another wedding one

[famtoxic]

I've name changed for this one, but I have been on MN for years. We booked a weekend away back in january for end of this year, last week, my brother messages that he's getting remarried and yep, its on the exact same weekend as our weekend away. We aren't close, never have been. In fact, I am the black sheep of the family and have been treated very differently to everyone else (but thats a different thread). My mother has been on the phone insisting that I have to cancel my weekend away and she will reimburse me because it doesnt look good if Im not there. I will not be cancelling, its no one's fault the dates have clashed and it is what it is. Im being made out to be unreasonable, am I being unreasonable? would really like your opinions please.

Why won’t you take up your DM’s offer and rebook for the weekend before or after?

You are not being unreasonable.
sounds like ur mum is only concerned with appearances. So go on your weekend away and anyway it’s non refundable isn’t it ?

because I have no annual leave left at work

You can’t be that pushed out if he wants you there and your mum is willing to reimburse you.

It’s looking more woe is me than black sheep.

Only you know the state of your relationship with your family OP. If they treat you badly and that's not going to change then I wouldn't put yourself out for them.

he hasnt personally spoken to me about it, got mum to do it instead. i suspect hes not even bothered, its just mother who is very concerned with how things look to others

He will only (hopefully) get married once whereas you can go away whenever you like. I think you're being very unreasonable and, if you're already feeling pushed out, expect that to get a whole lot worse if you don't go. The fact that you think a weekend away is more important than your brother's wedding might well be an indication as to why you get pushed out...

its his second wedding

Could you cancel the leave you have booked for the weekend away?

obviously, theres so much more to the story about family dynamics than this wedding. but the bottom line is, its his second wedding, my family have treated me appallingly over the years. recently, i had councelling and realised my mother is a narcissit and ive been scapegoated for years and im at the point in life that i am ready to cut them all off anyway and not going to this wedding will finally help me do that. thanks to all those who have replied anyway.

You obviously don’t want to go to the wedding so don’t

And just bunk off work for the wedding? 🤔

How would she then attend the wedding?

Sorry I was assuming she’s booked the Friday and Monday off for the weekend away and the wedding was on a Saturday and may not require annual leave.

Just don't go. Post on the Stately Homes thread for replies that are relevant to victims of awful relatives, in this section you'll just get people saying 'but he's your brother!!' 🙄

He should have checked the date with you first. Your brother is a jerk.

you still should be the better person and take up your mother’s offer for reimbursement. Not attending your brother’s wedding isn’t the healthy boundary that you think you are setting. It is a scorched earth decision that may destroy any hope of your family ever having a healthy dynamic.

It's not possible to have healthy dynamics with abusive people.

Is it commonplace to check dates for your venue suit relatives before you book it? I've never heard of that. My relatives must think I'm a jerk 😆

@famtoxic I understand this all very well OP 😊 Your family sounds like mine 😂

If they’re as like mine as I think then it’ll be wrong no matter what you do anyway 😂

Enjoy your weekend away 😊

Oh you Monday-Friday workers, you 😂

oh ive already been threatened with being written out of the will and its all going to make everyone think 'we're a toxic family'. whatever i do is always wrong anyway. i would rather have a peaceful weekend than the absolutely shitshow carnage that will descend that weekend. my mind is made up and really not bothered whether i'm considered unreasonable. tired and done.

not Every relative, just your must attend guests.

having a relationship with abusive family is a delicate balancing act I have been practicing for over 50
years. Sometimes they do improve, like when they get sober or start seeing a psychiatrist, and sometimes it’s worth having kept at least a tiny chink in the wall you have built in case that day comes.

We checked with parents/siblings/closest mates before we booked our wedding.
It was important to us that they were there so we took the time to make sure they were free.
If we weren’t that bothered, we would have been like OPs brother and booked it and let the cookie crumble as it saw fit.

If someone is important enough that you must have them attend, you check the dates first, surely?

My two future SILs are both teachers. I wouldn't want to be married without them there so we're choosing the school holidays.

They didn't check with you, you have plans. Oops for them.

he also booked his wedding last week, our holiday was booked back in january.

This