Reduced Child Maintenance

[Intothesunshine]

Best give some background:

I have had a good job and decent pay for many years. When married was classed as main breadwinner although my ex wife worked in a local school as a fulltime TA.

We have a DS who is now 15.

We divorced in 2021 so dear son was 11.

Divorce was messy and financial settlement used my pension pots as capital versus value of house and ex wife's income, outcome was that I had to sign over the house to her in full, a painful experience.

I also agreed £750 a month child maintenance for our dear son, plus £15 a week pocket money paid into DS's bank.

Last year I became severely ill and had to take 5 months sick leave, some paid and some unpaid. I maintained the £750 child maintenance payments throughout my sick leave, however in the final month I could only afford £300. When trying to discuss this via text messages my ex became quite rude and obnoxious.

In the final few weeks of my sick leave my Dr said there was no way I could return to work in the same capacity and suggested I apply for Ill Heath Retirement.

I completed the application process and to summarise the story the pension provider agreed to Ill Health Retirement.

My pension is now a 1/4 of what I used to earn and therefore I tried to explain this to my ex wife and my offer of £250 a month. That went down like a lead balloon. My response was for her to approach the Child Maintenance Service at DWP.
She has now done so and the calculations are being checked.

I know it's a huge drop in payments but at age 64 I really didn't forsee having to take Ill health retirement.

Am I being unreasonable???

He said he was severely ill last year and couldn’t work, and had to reduce one payment.

so she must have known about it for 6mo the to a year.

she’s known since the child was born he’d be reaching retirement age shortly, so I disagree she’s been left in the shit. Especially as her housing costs should be negligible as he signed the house over to her.

what does she expect him to do? He’s sick, it’s out of his control. If they we married still she’d have to be stepping up to bridge the gap in income.

how come she’s not expected to have plans for the future where she supports herself and her child. She had a child later in life, planning for retirement/illness/death should be part of the responsibility.

But there's no obligation too, and the money that goes direct to a teen is unlikely to be enough to allow that teen to have a life and also pay some housekeeping....whilst expecting the RP to maintain their space no doubt, and generally feed and upkeep them. I can absolutely maintain my own house, and bills and everything else on my full time salary but assuming my teens are not renting their own place at 18 they'll still be very reliant on me (ASD in one case means independence will likely be delayed by done years ) be it my ex doesn't HAVE to do anything beyond 18. Just as in this case, the OP is deciding he can just cut the maintenance..had he looked at his own situation, downsizing, selling a car, whatever, to maintain an obligation or more than 1/3 of it? Why isn't he asking his mortgage company or utility company to charge him less? Oh right.. because they'll say no, he has an obligation. Why is CMS different?

Although I understand your predicament, I can see both sides of the coin. Teenagers are expensive. The food bill alone is astronomical, in addition to the clothes bill as they grow like ivy on speed, school trips, hobbies, entertainment etc… the list is endless. It may of been shortsighted for his mum to rely on this money, but £750 goes absolutely nowhere with a 15 year old. £250, a drop in the ocean. A pair of trainers alone is rarely shy of £100. School dinners £60-£80 per month.

I do sympathise with your situation although communication via text is probably adding fuel to the fire. It may be more useful to actually speak as parents and discuss what practical help you will now be able to offer in view of your spare time to reduce the financial burden, for example increasing frequency of meals at yours and driving DS from A to B more.

If you were the primary residential parent and mostly responsible for your son and his future, would you have still made the same decisions regarding work?

He said he was sick, he didn't say when he told her in relation to the payment changing, or if he told her the details of his illness.

She may well have plans for the future, that doesn't absolve him of responsibility to have plans himself- which it seems he doesn't.

It's notoriously difficult to get medical retirement, so I'm guessing that the OP really wouldn't have had much choice about work - if there had been an option to keep going, there is just no way that the pension company would have paid out. So, if the OP had been the resident parent, I assume that he would have had to fall back on whatever benefits he could claim alongside his pension entitlement.

Yes but that’s why there are means tested CMS calculators for this, surely?

He will stay pay what is fair based on his current circumstances since he literally can’t conjure money out of thin air no matter how expensive raising children is!

Then cut backs and compromises can be made around possibly a more even split of childcare, a part time job at 16, UC to top up mum etc etc

Christ, this is so harsh! I don’t think OP sounds like he’s revelling in early retirement 🙄

He was ill enough that he had to retire early on doctor’s advice, it’s unfortunate but it’s one of those things that happens sometimes which can’t be predicted until the moment you get ill.

If he was resident parent, no doubt his change in circumstances would affect his ability to keep the child in the lifestyle to which he may have become accustomed but that’s just life I’m afraid - doesn’t sound like he’s off on a round the world retirement cruise with a middle finger up to his ex and he paid £750 for every month he could possibly afford to until the moment it became impossible.

If they weren't divorced the family pot would still have been reducing massively due to his ill health.

In response to "what do you expect her to do" I would say "what do you expect him to do??". I'm sure he doesn't have a money tree growing in the garden to keep on providing. I'd sure he'd much rather still be working and paying! This is his own future that is compromised as well as his sons.

As a PP says, his DS is going to be 18 in the next few years - his mum was going to have to get used to the idea that the £750 a month was going to stop at some point. Things happen that can't be predicted.

Yes, it's a big drop in her income but I don't envisage how OP could have done anything different other than perhaps giving sufficient notice (which he might have done).

RPs do not get to ring fence 18% of their income and say that's it, that s all you're getting. If the child needs X they make cut backs elsewhere to fund it. As I said, what else has the OP cut back on before cutting this bill? It should be the last thing to be reduced, not the first.

But RPs do absolutely need to adjust their expenditure if overall household income drops. Of course, the essentials still need paying for, but the OP is still contributing, the mum is presumably contributing as well, and if she is on a low income, she'll be getting child benefit as well.

They will all have to cut their cloth accordingly.

You are still giving plenty to cover half the direct costs for one child. Your ex needs to realise how lucky she was to get such a huge amount of maintenance in the first place.

Edited to add, I think you should still give your son his pocket money, because presumably you want to maintain a good relationship with him.

Gosh OP, you have been given a raw deal and I am sorry for your experience. Your wife is being cruel and calculated. Human beings never cease to amaze me.
Having to sign your family home over seems extremely unfair.
Take care, as much as you can

Harsh, insensitive comment

I put that you are being unreasonable. I’m sorry your health is not where it once was. But I do think your lack of planning has got you in this spot financially.

Firstly, your son’s needs don’t stop because you’re no longer able to provide. If you were in a financially strong position before, then you should’ve made provisions through critical illness insurances to insure against this situation - rather than expecting your son to suddenly go without if the worst happened.
Instead, now it is down to your EXW to raise your son with limited financial support from you.

Regarding your pension, you would’ve had the chance to split that and the house, but it was likely preferable for you to forgo the house & retain the pension. It’s right pensions are considered an asset, because they are.

It sounds like the breakup was bitter, and it’s always a shame because it’s the children that get stuck in the middle and end up missing out.

All that said, you can only pay what you have. And to ask to reduce is not unreasonable. If you genuinely have no other way to fund your child then your EXW has no choice but to go via the official processes. It’s not for her to decide the authenticity of your current circumstances and is better for both of you if this is done in a more formal setting. You have to do what you think is best for DS and you, and EXW has to do what she thinks is best for DS & her. It’s not likely those two will align.

Again, I’m sorry you’re in this position because I can see it’s a tricky one.

I know and I get it, I’m also a recipient of child support from my ex and it’s frustrating that it’s a monetary value that in no way corresponds to the amount raising a child actually costs but, to me, this OP sounded like he genuinely tried to keep paying until he couldn’t then he tried to suggest an affordable figure and agree it after an unforseeable change in circumstances he couldn’t plan for or anticipate that’s all.

If they were still together and this happened and mum had to pay a few extra bills or a larger percentage of her income, that would have to be absorbed by the household.

This is an interesting point - I think people are so used to men abdicating responsibility for children that it can cloud perspective on a situation like this. I’m married and my husband is higher earner - we have talked and made plans for what would happen to our children should either of us get sick or pass away and we have made provision… but it would still impact standard of living. I guess the difference would be my priority would be very much my husband’s health rather than the income related drop. I think you need to have conversation with your son about new circumstances and really your ex just needs to adjust. She can have her feelings about it but you don’t have to manage them.

I think you should go on Dadsnet

He maintained payments up until the last one so unless he has been explicit with his ex wife as to his financial circumstances (doubt it) then why would she suspect he’s about to cut payments by 75% - he hasn’t said whether he warned her months in advance or not. £750 is a lot for one child but sounds like it was based on his income which must have been significant at the time and maybe she has made certain financial decision about their lifestyle factoring that in because of it
(FWIW I get £0 now for 3 children and I have 100% custody and that did stop with barely a months notice so admittedly maybe my experience is clouding my judgment there 😂)

Fact is the child is 15 and she had every reasonable expectation to factor that payment into her finances for another 3 years. Teenagers don’t get any cheaper and then the university years hit - what was the plan when he was off merrily getting a (presumably) much younger wife pregnant at close to 50 to support his son into early adulthood? I get circumstances change and worst case can’t always be planned for. ….I also know a lot of people who were medically retired over age 60 because well they only have a short time left on the pay roll and it’s actually cheaper than having them back….so it’s not as hard as someone people think to get retired at that age.

do you expect the OP to magic some money up then?

If you are at home more perhaps think about shared custody. It means you won’t have to pay the other party as you can for child yourself half the time.

Mumsnet is obsessed with all 18 year olds going to " Uni" in fact many do work and many will be doing an apprenticeship.

This. Also run calculations through CMS calculator to see what you would be obligated to pay. Try to continue paying your DS the £15 week pocket money and contribute to new trainers, coats and scjool trips etc.

Sure..I don't think mine will, but that was just a scenario. Apprenticeships don't pay enough for them to be living independently so the RP will still be supporting them. I don't think an NRP should be less obligated than the RP. I'd still like to know what other cutbacks or changes the OP has made prior to this one.

My nephew gets over 1k/ month on an apprenticeship so doesn't really need financial support from his parents sure it's not enough to live independently just ,but it's not a pittance.