Would you be hurt by this or am I a twat

[myfitbitisfucked]

Have a very important appointment in person in two weeks. During a conversation tonight with a relative I asked if they would be ok with looking after my child, but no worries if not as a friend has offered to do so if I drop them off. Said I just needed to know but no big deal. Their response was “Well it’s not exactly as if I have any choice is it”. It’s really hurt me and I have just said so and that I’ve got alternative arrangements so will pursue those. Apparently I am being over the top and pushing them to say sorry when they have done nothing wrong.
if I am indeed a twat please feel free to tell me. Life recently has left me very doubtful as to my self worth and authority to set boundaries in any relationship context

That was a mean thing for them to say to you. YANBU. Or sensitive.

I’m not surprised you’re seeking other support.

Tell them it’s up to them if they want to apologise or not, but their response felt unkind and you will seek help elsewhere.

Absolutely 💯 not you being unreasonable!

YANBU. Your relatives a twat not you

i would be taking a step back from them

They were rude, pushing them for an apology is also a little rude and pointless. If they were sorry they would say so, they aren’t so why push them into saying it?

Yanbu 100% x

They had the choice to politely say yes or no. They chose passive aggressiveness. You had a choice. You've made a choice - now step out of this dynamic, it is not positive for anyone.

You are not the twat here.

I would not force an apology or accuse someone who’s presumably helped me in the past of being a twat… I would just chalk it up to that relative being stressed right now and move on if it is no big deal / you’ve sort other help.

I also might not be so forthcoming with future help for someone who demanded an apology / blew up over this. You’re right to set boundaries and clarify your position, but perhaps this wasn’t the time to force it?

Your relative agreed to look after your child, however ungracious their response. Maybe, you caught them at a wrong time hence their response.

But you had a choice also just to remember your own manners even if they forgot theirs and just say "thank you".

Or if you took umbrage at their response, you could have just said "it's okay, I'll just take DC to my friend instead". No need to get in a spat, demanding or expecting apologies from your relative, because next time you need them and there isn't anyone else available you know what the answer will be. A hard NO.

Yep, it's a twatty request when you know for a certainty they cannot refuse it gracefully. Next time, text them, that is by far the preferred method by everyone these days when you are asking for a favour, especially a big favour like child minding.

Why on earth should they apologise for being honest? You were hoping, of course, they'd just do it whether they wanted to or not, with no pushback. You got pushback. Next time, text them, that gives them a chance to say no, instead of blindsiding them on a phone call like you did.

You’re definitely not a twat. But, assuming this isn’t a one off, I would encourage you to reframe your way of thinking about comments by this relative. They’re playing the martyr and what they say has obviously got little to do with reality. There’s no point being hurt by what they say but also little point in expecting much different. If they’re a close relative (I’d guess parent?) coming to terms with them being like this is hard, but your life will be better if you can do so.

Of course you can graciously refuse. You just say “Oh, I’m so sorry, I can’t. I’m glad you have someone else. Good luck with the Interview, I’ll be rooting for you!”

From there response I expect that there could be a bit more to it? How often are they being asked to look after your child?

Nope, lots of people would be blindsided and find it hard to graciously refuse when put on the spot like this. OP was counting on that.

Right.

And I love her re-framing it as setting boundaries for herself. There's no boundary setting for the OP required, she asked a pretty big favour and got a mild pushback in return.

They don't want to do it. Their perogative. No.need for them.to be rude though.

Wow you've got a twisted way of looking at things!

OP I can't bear that kind of passive aggression from your relative. You asked for a favour but gave them an out. They could have just taken that out but instead tried to guilt you for even asking! Your actions of clearly stating why you were upset is a much healthier, direct communication. Don't doubt yourself.

@myfitbitisfucked how often do you rely on this person for childcare? Not the most polite response, but it sounds to me that they are fed up with similar requests (either from you or others).

You weren't being a twat, your relative was.

I read OP’s post as the relative framing the interaction as a demand for an apology in response to her sharing that she was upset by their reaction.

Assuming it went as follows 1) OP asked the relative to look after her child, explaining their was no pressure as she had an alternative option 2) relative suggested they had no option to say yes 3) OP expressed her upset at this reaction, the upset arising from the relative viewing her request as unreasonable 4) the relative is now stating the OP was unreasonable for expressing her upset, framing this as a demand for an apology.

Zooming out, it sounds like both parties are expressing upset/ anger. OP is upset that she has been misunderstood and judged harshly despite having made an effort to approach the relative in a pressure free way. The relative seems to be feeling taken for granted, pressurised or coerced.

OP, from what you’ve posted, you have approached the relative in a thoughtful and respectful way. It seems likely that their response is influenced by other baggage which may or may not be connected to you.E.g. they may find it hard saying no and feel pressured simply because of being asked, they may have a long history or recent significant event of being expected to go along with requests and there bring fall out when not, they may ‘have beef’ with you about something else and this is leaking into this request.

I suggest you take up the offer from your friend, focus on your big appointment, and consider how to proceed with the relative once your event is over

How strange to think this response was OK. It is not.it was rude. Much easier to say "sorry I can't." Unless the OP made them say they were free before saying why. Even then it's ok to say no politely.

What do you mean "nope"? OP explicitly gave them an easy get-out, so they weren't put on the spot at all.

Yadnbu x

But the relative did have a choice. OP said that her friend could do it if they couldn't. If the relative didn't want to do it, they could say no, they aren't available.

It was a twatty thing for them to say, not a twatty request from OP.

I doubt that OP will ask them again.

If she was counting on her relative feeling shoe horned into it she wouldn't have ensured she had a back up and told her relative at the time. I'm sorry you have difficulty being straight forward with people and see the worst in everyone else because of it. But your difficulties don't make OP twatty.