Am I being over sensitive???

[ForOliveMaker]

Just for context I am 8 weeks post partum with my second baby and I will admit that I am extremely sensitive this time around and have been struggling emotionally.

Also please bare with me it’s a little wordy to explain.

However I am genuinely wondering whether I am being hormonal and over sensitive here and feel I need some advice on whether I just need to get a grip on my emotions.

DP’s sibling has just had their first baby. Difficult birth and therefore may have to stay in hospital for a couple of days.

After DP received the message of babies arrival, name weight etc from their sibling. They initially asked whether I could go tomorrow to pick some presents up for the baby as I’m currently on maternity leave. (we’ve had to wait to find out gender as parents didn’t find out what they were having)….I replied and said yes of course, I would have both of our DS’s (8 weeks and 2 years) with us tomorrow but it wouldn’t be a problem.

We were then discussing when we will meet new little one to which I said ‘ah it will be few days if SIL stays in because we won’t be able to take the boys to hospital. To which DP replies ‘well I will probably go tomorrow to the hospital.’ I then replied with, ‘oh well I would love to come,’ to which his response was ‘well he’s my brother, you will need to stay with the boys.’

I immediately burst into tears, and he asked why I was so upset and couldn’t understand at all why it had sneeped me so much.

AIBU? I just feel like we share 2 children, we aren’t married or engaged (abit of a sore subject really as we have nearly been together a decade). We have extremely close relationships with both sides of our families. And it upset me that he could be so dismissive of my wish to meet the new baby whom in my eyes is my new niece / nephew despite it not being by blood.

Please go easy on responses- but also if I’m being a total drama queen I’m happy to take it on the chin!!!

YABU, she’s in hospital and your children can’t go in. Him visiting his brother and partner after a difficult birth is to support them and it makes sense that lots of people don’t go. It’s not because it’s not your blood and you are being excluded, it’s because this situation is about the couple who have just given birth and what’s practical in a hospital setting. I hope you are feeling better soon OP

Kindly, I think you’re over reacting. You can’t all go to the hospital as you have the little ones so it makes sense for him to go alone. I’m sure you’ll meet the baby soon x

I’m sorry you are feeling so upset.

Can’t your DP look after your children while you go and see the new baby?

Ahh sorry but you are being unreasonable, yes.

He should go and meet his brother's baby even if you can't go together. I really can't see why he wouldn't.

Besides, I'm sure he can show you a photo/video if the parents allow.

The engagement/marriage thing is a bit trickier, especially as you've had two kids together but I hope you both work that out

It sounds to me as though the thing about going to the hospital to see the baby is your anxieties about other things coming out sideways.

Yes you're being sensitive, but it's understandable.

Give yourself a break, you've only just had a baby yourself so your feelings will be bouncing about all over the place.

Aww, I get it, OP. I think hormones are probably playing a part too.
I’m sure you’ll be very welcome at the hospital. It’s just that you’re probably going to have to go separately to your partner … unless of course you have someone to babysit.
Congrats on your own arrival and that of your in-laws!

If he's out & about tomorrow child free then he can pick up presents for his brother's baby.

Can he go tomorrow and then the following day he looks after the kids and you go that day?

(I think it is hormonal overload and sensitivity as to being not treated as part of rhe actual family).

Sorry but he is right that it makes sense for him to go and see his brother, and you to stay with your children. You only have a tiny baby yourself. How wonderful to have a cousin so close in age!
Sounds like it's brought up some feelings for you about not being married, and what that means as a family, your feelings are valid in that area and hopefully he is willing to consider them. But in this specific situation of visiting the baby, he's right and I'm sure you will meet baby soon x

Why the need to bombard this poor lady after a difficult birth with all these visits. One person should go I. And wish them well from the family and it should be your dh as he is right it is his family. I can’t imagine with a tiny baby yourself why you would want to create all this extra work for yourself. Surely you can visit when they are home and more settled?

Are you upset more because you’ll have two days by yourself with a toddler and a newborn? I would be! You’re sleep deprived and it’s hard! I think your partner should visit but can you get someone to come to yours for cake and company?

Where does it say she’s going to be in her own for 2 days ?

I agree. You are not seeing it in proportion right now but you will. It really isn't a big deal. Congratulations on your new born, that is lovely.

I don't think it's unreasonable to say no to young children at the hospital but I think he should be the one to pick up presents, even if he does it on the way to the hospital.

Yes, you are being a drama queen. You have logistical situation (no childcare), and you can't expect DP to stay away until SIL is home 'just to make it fair'. If you had childcare, you would be going too - he isn't doing to to spite you. You will get to see the baby too in good time. If the tables were flipped and this was your sibling (or heaven forbid a parent unwell in hospital) he would be the one staying home while you go in alone.

I understand why you feel like you do. But I do agree if shes in hospital and you cant take the boys its more important he goes than you.

But maybe the marriage thing.. talk to him about that when you feel a bit better

In the nicest way possible OP, you are over reacting. I would fully expect my DH, in this situation, to go visit with his DB etc in the hospital whilst I minded the children.

We had the same situation when SIL had both her children. Each time DH went to the hospital the day after the birth to visit whilst I waited at home, the first time alone and the second time with DD. We then went to their house to visit with them a few days later when SIL was back in her comfort zone and settled with the new babies. Believe me, I was chomping at the bit each time to see them all!

Don't spoil this for your DH, it's a really exciting time for you all but remember, it's about BIL and SIL and their new baby and sharing in that, not you and your wants etc.

Hopefully it won't be too long before you get a visit in!

Yabu. You can't take your children in and it's his brother ! Of course he should go. Your time will come

Thank you all so much for your replies!

It’s actually made me feel so much better as it has made me realise I was letting post-partum hormones get the better of me.

Following the responses on here but also some self reflection about why I am actually feeling the way I am. I have since apologised to DP for my outburst and to be fair on him he was completely understanding and apologised stating that he should of worded it slightly better as it may of come across as a little dismissive, especially when he knows how hypertensive I am feeling at the moment. I reassured him though that he had no need to apologise.

Just to clarify, I would never ever dream of taking my DS’s to a hospital and especially a labour ward with such vulnerable newborns. My youngest is only 8 weeks old himself, and my toddler 2 years and 3 months and as all of us mumsnetters know as a typical toddler they are super spreaders when it comes to bugs and such from attending childcare settings. It wouldn’t have ever been an option to take them.

My DP has said that he will likely go and visit if his brother and SIL aren’t home tomorrow (if they are agreeable to this) and that he will sort the presents as it will be difficult shopping with newborn and toddler for me. Which I can’t argue with and I think is more than fair.

I will then just wait until SIL / BIL and baby are home and settled and ready for visitors. Again after some thought I aren’t even sure I feel ready to leave my youngest DS to visit at the hospital if that were even an option in all honesty.

Thank you all again. Here’s to hoping that my hormones settle soon so that I can stop being unnecessarily dramatic!

I actually wonder if she definitely wants her brother in law turning up at the hospital. These days you only get kept in if you’re not well enough to be discharged. I found my in-laws a bit overwhelming in the hospital . I don’t think you’re being unreasonable as such though, just a bit sensitive because hormones which is completely normal.

Very gentle and sympathetic YABU. I don't think this is about excluding or undervaluing you, I think he just wants to catch up with his brother and knows that someone needs to stay with the kids. You will have plenty of time to meet the new family member and I'm sure your family will look forward to seeing you when they can.

On the other hand, OP, you've got two small children with your DP and you're not married (I'm thinking about your own financial rights & security),

Then your DP puts you on the back-burner to go & visit his family"s latest arrival.
You're expected to stay at home & take care of toddler & baby. Great.
Maybe "nothing to see" here. But, y'know, think about your own, now & future, emotional and financial security. Are you joint-owners of property? What safeguards do you have around these years of unremunerated child-rearing?
Do you have a work-pension in your own right?

Dear OP, please think about getting some professional advice about your own long-term situation.

Good luck. Hope all this is completely unneccessary.

My sister had her baby 5 days after me - DH stayed with our newborn whilst I went to visit. Not even up for debate other than to work out logistics of me breastfeeding and visiting. It’s your DH’s sibling not yours of course he gets to see his brother first and you will of course meet your DN in time.

Why have children if marriage is what you want but not him? Genuinely confused