To think some posters can be a bit obtuse - especially when a thread isn’t soaked in modesty?

[ThatTipsyMaker]

It seems to happen more often when someone talks about money, achievement, weight loss or even their looks without apologising for it. If you’re not painfully modest or self-deprecating, suddenly people act like you’re bragging or delusional.

It feels like there’s a weird rule that you’re only allowed to share good things if you undercut yourself at the same time.

Is that just how online forums work or AIBU to think this is a very specific Mumsnet thing?

Mumsnet thing

It’s a British thing.

I think that's just human nature. Everyone can reel off their weaknesses and what they don't like about themselves without a second thought. But being positive about yourself is much harder. Then we're the opposite when it comes to other people - reluctant to criticise and quick to praise.

I know exactly what you mean and I think it’s a mumsnet thing. I don’t know anyone in real life who would shoot me down for sharing something positive about myself, but I see it all the time on here!

A mumsnet thing, closely followed by ellaborating complex scenarios in which the OP is guilty, even for the simplest of issues.
But I have seen it in real life in UK too. Some people are just negative, they love to point at negatives, talk negatively of others and are just plain pain in the backside to be by.

I once said that my son could read simple books at age 2.5 and got ripped to shreds and called a liar. It was quite upsetting at the time. I wasn’t the OP. It was a comment to do with literacy. My son is autistic so it is a ‘thing’.

Mumsnet is quite extreme for this I think. I remember a poster saying that she didn’t understand why she didn’t have a long term partner - she was good looking, educated, a high earner, in good shape, owned her own flat and in her late 20s. A load of people came on to say that she was clearly conceited and her appalling personality was putting men off.

Yes. Not unique to Britishness, obviously, but a dislike of tall poppies and an insistence on extreme self-deprecation, especially in women, is definitely a cultural attitude.

It's more out in the open on MN because people here say what they think. I think people on FB etc are thinking exactly the same, they just don't post it because it's less anonymous and it's not a good look to be jealous of success and they know it.

It's a British thing I think.

The problem is that in some discussions, modesty doesn't really help much and realism gives a much better ability to appraise or make comment.

But some people hate that, and don't like it when they are confronted by or reminded of someone they perceive as being better off than them.

Yes, and this was one of the biggest contrasts for me when I moved to the US. People here, especially other women, are incredibly positive and are always hyping me up, complementing me, and pointing out things I’m good at. It was so different than what I’m used to that I was rather alarmed at first. Now I don’t think I could do without the positivity and optimism!

There is a note on “The Importance of not Being Earnest” in Watching the English by Kate Fox, an Anthropologist who studies the English as a nation. She writes that to truly understand the English you must understand that “seriousness is acceptable, solemnity is prohibited. Sincerity is allowed, earnestness is strictly forbidden. Pomposity and self-importance are outlawed”. In a nutshell we don’t like people who are “up themselves” apparently.

Yes, it took me some time to think ‘No, they’re not boasting, they just don’t think it’s normal to reply to a compliment with ‘This old thing? 50p 20 years ago in a Sue Ryder!’ Or ‘Degree? Yeah, I think they made a mistake giving it to me. I didn’t really study for my finals.’

My US-born friend moved back to NYC with her UK-raised teenage daughter and sent her to a well-regarded school there. The daughter, who had been a mildly rebellious under-achiever, hanging around bus shelters with her friends and shoplifting lipsticks, suddenly found herself in classes with kids who openly said they wanted to end up a Supreme Court judge. She nearly died.

Agreed. And I say this as a Brit!

😆

11 years ago when I first came on MN I mentioned in a a post I’d lost my son at 29 weeks and was told I was making it up. Broke my heart and made me very very wary of the type of people on here.

There is A LOT of jealousy and bitterness on this forum.

In real life, you tend to be in a circle of similar people, so there's much less jealousy and resentment.

that's terrible, I hope you found some decent posters to be a bit more kind. Some people here have horrible issues, it's on them. I am so sorry for you.

This feels like the premise of an American highschool film and I want to know more! Did the daughter make friends? Did she corrupt her fellow classmates or do a 180 turnaround and graduate too of her class? I’m invested!

Definitely a British thing. If you dare to say anything positive about yourself it's seen as bragging, because we're 'supposed' to be self-effacing, put ourselves down, be extremely humble and deferential. We are 'supposed' to knock back compliments even. Even if someone says to a friend 'wow you look amazing today' and they say 'thanks!' to many people that comes across as big headed. The assumed response is normally 'oh, I've barely slept' or 'oh it's just my new foundation' or 'thanks to coffee' or something like that.

It's so extreme, and it's really sad. I'd love to see our culture promote self-confidence, and being proud of your achievements and attributes.

There's a fine line between boasting and being proud of yourself for some achievement, coming on here to tell us about it without any context can come across as the former.

I think it’s a “some women” thing. I’ve seen it in real life. It’s painful insecurity on their part.

Definitely a Mumsnet thing. I got told I’ve got main character syndrome because I like to get my hair and nails done!

💐 I’m so sorry for the shitheads you encountered 🩷

You see on the holiday threads. Holidays are talked about as if it's unusually privileged to be able to afford one. People fall over themselves to justify such an extravagance, usually explaining that they've endured a "terrible year' and "need to get away'.

I was listening to a podcast where they talked about this and they concluded that it was middle class guilt. They vowed to stop doing it and then immediately did it again in the next segment, when they were talking about another widely accessible activity such as a day out or buying clothes.

But weirdly, people talk about overpaying the mortgage on their large house where DC are in double beds in their own bedrooms in the right village near the most desirable schools as if it's the most normal thing ever, that everyone can afford no matter what their circumstances, seemingly oblivious to their enormously comfortable circumstances that allow them to afford this.