Always using the wrong name!

[RedxRobin]

This is partly a vent and partly an AIBU. Just had the DH's family to stay for the weekend - SiL can be quite challenging in many ways but has driven me nuts all weekend by saying DD's name wrong. DD has a very normal name which I wouldn't consider unusual and yet SiL keeps calling her a very similar name (think Amelia instead of Amelie). I keep correcting her but she still keeps doing it. 😤
DD is 6 now and it is getting to a point that I'm getting seriously pissed off with it. Do I need to let it go or should I make a bigger deal out of it? I just can't understand how someone seems to find it so difficult to get someone's name right!

@AppropriateAdultthat would drive me mad, especially the Soduku thing. I remember when I was a teenager, rehearsing for a performance with my theatre group. It was for Holocaust Memorial Day and one of the girls couldn’t pronounce ‘Soviet’ but instead kept on saying ‘Serviette Union’, even after we took the piss mercilessly corrected her. It was actually quite embarrassing because we were performing to a group of Holocaust survivors and her mispronunciation massively detracted from the seriousness of what she was meant to be saying.

I’d say “sil dd is wondering why you don’t know her name by now. Could you try to say it properly please”

Oi SIL. her name is Amelia not Amelie.
Oi SIL her name is Amelia not Amelie

OI SIL are you being rude or just thick?

Pull her up on it every single time. It’s rude and disrespectful. Better yet, the next time she does it and calls dd by the wrong name say ‘who are talking to’ and look at her blankly. She’ll soon catch on .

Surely her dad needs to deal with this. She’s clearly being a bitch, as you says she’s difficult generally.

Sounds like she had a Hull accent or parents from Hull

She's being incredibly rude. I'd correct her every single time, even if it meant interrupting her flow of speech. Poor DD is at an age where she'll take it to heart.

Find out the name of bil's ex and call sil that.

I’ve come across this a fair bit and in my experience the offender is trying to demonstrate that they have a special relationship with the child and it’s their ‘thing’ to have a special little name.

very annoying. If the child doesn’t like it she should be able to say so.

I would a) text her or pull her aside next time shes round and very nicely say "heads up, Amelia was really upset last week because you kept calling her Amelie, I know it was just a mistake but it's very important to her so please call her by the correct name (I suspect if you correct her in the moment she ignores/brushes it off)
B) empower your daughter, you will stick up for her and she has the ability to respond however she wishes, she may want to ignore any questions/requests if the name is wrong, or she may want to correct her auntie. Make sure OH and mil are on board if you think there will be any issues. Also make sure you're available to her to verbalise clearly and provide support. It's a really good life lesson, that it's OK to stick up for something important to you and it's OK to be firm on it.

I think if your daughter were still a baby, I'd be saying ignore her. As it now is upsetting your dd you have to put a stop to it, even if it is awkward for a bit!

I agree in taking her to one side and saying to her that she is saying DDS name wrong and whether she realised she was doing this.
If she then continues using it incorrectly then she is being ignorant. However how often do you see them? I used to teach and had a class I only saw once a fortnight. Every time I would get Mya wrong - not sure that was the correct spelling (I never knew whether it was pronounced My-ah or Me-ah, whichever I chose was wrong) ..

I was thinking that. Being vile about someone saying the right word in a regional accent is fucking vile. What bullies they were.

We admittedly don’t see them very often. They live a few hours away & don’t work a usual Monday to Friday so it’s hard to get schedules to align.

BiL is lovely but SiL is hard work & likes to know best. She also gave DS a hard time because she didn’t approve of his current career choice & thinks he should do what she thinks is the best career for him. Luckily DS had no problem advocating for himself & was able to shut her down (he is a couple of years older than DD & far more confident though).

From your last post about DS, maybe get him to tell her.
Or a singsong voice correcting her "#dearSiL.... #Amelia doesn't like you.... # misnaming her##" to the tune of something

I get certain names horribly mixed up (Marie/Maria the absolute worst offender see also Yasmin/Jasmine (I think because my mother tongue uses Js as Ys), Bethan/Bethany. They just won't stick in my head. I'm also dyslexic and have ADHD so think this might be related.

However, when corrected or when realise I did it wrong I'm always embarrassed, apologise and try and find a way to remember it.

Absolutely this!!

Wow thats so unkind! I hope you feel some shame about how you treated her.

@JillMW@PyongyangKipperbangShe didn’t have a northern accent, though, that’s what made it so incongruous. It was definitely a mispronunciation rather than her accent. If it had been a result of her accent then it wouldn’t have been noticeable, and we wouldn’t have corrected her.

Everytime she does it, just reply with, who's Amelia? (Example) Yes u might look a bit pedantic but it also shows her up and that you are annoyed in a less confrontinal way. But make sure u say it every time, she'll soon catch on!!

In my experience people often have two main reasons for doing this.

One, they are a bit ditzy and genuinely bad with names. But you'd likely see them get other names mixed up too. They're also likely to say sorry/be a bit mortified when corrected.

Two, they're an arsehole and are trying to exert some sort of passive aggressive power, ie, I can't even get your DDs name right because it's just not that important to me.

You know which one your SIL is most likely to be.

I do think YABU. Sorry.
Your side is that you're frustrated she's getting the name wrong. You have no idea why.

This happens to me a lot and i'm always MORTIFIED inside. Trying my best does not help. It's a combination of memory/brain fog/ confusion mixed with knowing children with very similar names that im just more used to saying so it tends to come out before brain catches up, much like muscle memory.

Unless you know every part of SILS medical history and what is going on for her, I would leave well alone. She could be feeling absolutely mortified. Getting it wrong doesn't mean she is not trying.

Likewise she may view you as "hard work" because she got a few things wrong and you posted them on the internet.

Not bashing you for that, its what its here for. My point is that she could look at you and view you the same.

Generally it's the lens you view a person with.
If you go looking for mud, you will find it.
If you go looking for flowers, you will find them.

You have mentioned none of the things you like about her, none of the ways she is good to your children.. So for all we know she could be a loving aunt that lives a few hours away, knows or previously knew another child with a similar name, has brain fog and gets confused. Said something that annoyed you once, but generally loves seeing the children and visiting you both.

I would personally try to look at the bigger picture and reframe how you see her. She hardly sounds toxic.

I used to teach in an international school so students’ names could be a minefield. I always asked the children to correct me if I got their names wrong, and to correct me every time and would try to get them correct. I remember finding it difficult with a child called Alice, easy you might think, but she was Italian and it was pronounced quite differently! But as regards the point of the thread, it is very important to children to get their names right as it’s part of their personal identity so yes, you may need to speak to your sister in law.

I think you should get your dd to correct her auntie. "If auntie calls you Amelie say 'that's not my name it's Amelia' "
I know someone who taught her 3 year old to do this at preschool when the keyworker was doing similar.

I absolutely see what you mean & I understand your point. Admittedly I would rather come on the internet and vent about it anonymously as I don't want to have an argument with SiL & make things awkward!

You are right, SiL is not toxic. Her heart is in the right place and she shows an interest in the kids and she has been fantastic for my BiL. While I find her hard work, I am not so naive/arrogant to think she doesn't think the same about me!

However...DD is 6 and quite sensitive and does not like being called the wrong name. It makes her feel like SiL can't be arsed to learn her name properly which upsets her a little. I can tell her that she should just get over it, but she is 6 and also I think has a right to have people learn to say her name properly! & as her mother, it is also my job to fight her corner!