That my mum is actually the problem?

[WhenYouSayNothingAtAll]

Background : I moved countries when I was 23 and settled and made a life in England. Sadly, my dad passed away 10 years ago so my mum is on her own in my home country.

The issue : she’s lonely, sad and miserable BUT she’s also part of the problem. One side of the family (dad’s) won’t have anything or very little to do with her. Some of them are indeed pricks , but she also looks down on them, they’re beneath her etc. Her side are more involved, but it’s not as often as she’d like or how she’d like it. She refuses invitations to any big events(weddings, christenings , big gatherings/anniversaries) because she’s on her own , then claims she’s excluded because she’s on her own. She refuses offers to be picked up and go and stay because they weren’t offered the right way, or at the right time , or the right weather, or someone else might also be coming or whatever.

I try my best and other than the covid years and this year she comes over at least once a year for a month. Of course, this is also on her terms. No shorter than a month, she won’t come stay when me and DD are at work/schools. She expects outings and visits, but it can’t be too hot, that’s boring,too many stairs, too cramped that’s awkward, that’s too silly, that’s too whatever. Sometimes I literally have to drag her out. No interest in history and similar stuff , but when she goes on holidays she does the visiting /walking all over ones so that’s baffling. I try to arrange things she would like , for example she loves flowers so I booked to go to Kew Gardens , but that still was somehow wrong. No enthusiasm or curiosity. I’ve booked and done most of the touristy London stuff and taken her to various places from local woods, to lidos, to theme parks , to garden centres, to museums to Buckingham Palace to Harrods and a bunch of other places all at my expense. Last year she moaned I never took her to the wax museum!!! She never expressed an interest and that place involves all the things she hates. I mean sure, she’ll happily spend 7 hours in a shopping centre , but there’s only so many times you can do that and I frankly hate it. That’s without the fact that she’s highly critical and sometimes completely bonkers and a dick.

Big sobbing meltdown again today about how lonely she is , and that one doesn’t call , and that one doesn’t talk to her and that one doesn’t see her and of course the biggest baddie of them all , ME , because she isn’t coming over and we’re nit going over there. Lots if thinly veiled and outright guilt tripping .

We were going to , but we have a 10 days holiday, OH has a pretty straightforward (but still..) surgery coming up , DD has some appointments that can’t be changed right in the middle of things and whatever other social things come up. I’ve had an extremely shit year at work and I just need the break. She knows all of this, but you know I have 6 weeks free and can’t be bothered to make the effort. Maybe I’m not, because the effort is too fucking much for not much return.

So AIBU to think that her situation is partly her fault and she should be looking at her own behaviours and attitude, rather than blaming everyone else for being selfish arseholes?

OP my mother is just like this; sad, lonely and depressed and it’s all everyone else’s fault. She has lost a lot of friends over the years and my brother lives at the other end of the country so I’ve carried a lot of the burden. I can strongly recommend you read ‘You Are Not The Problem’ by Helen Villiers and Katie McKenna. It will explain the concept of FOG and hhelp you untangle yourself from a lifetime of being guilt tripped.

She sounds a complete nightmare. Wallowing in self pity but refusing to anything about it, all the while emotionally blackmailing everyone.

She needs to be treated as if she’s the child she’s acting like. Clear boundaries. Only rewarded with contact if she behaves, etc.

My parents are both dead. My mother was narcissistic and my father, as much as he was a lovely man, had her on a pedestal and shit his eyes to his downright horrible she was. Everything was about her. The whole time. It’s exhausting listening to every single failure of your life and how disappointed she was in me. I too was relieved when she passed and no one should feel like that ever. She cried when I went to help pack up her house for a move to a flat. It was all my fault and she didn’t want to leave (the house was too big for her and she didn’t want to pay for a gardener or cleaner to help), she decided to put it up for sale and chose the flat she wanted to move to. I get it was a big thing but to be her punch bag, just no. I was simply packing ornaments, she told me to get out and never come back and she’d get me cousin in to move her! At that point my husband wanted us to cut ties with her. But guilt wouldn’t let me.

You have my complete and utter sympathies.

I'd give serious consideration to faking my own death ...... She sounds like a nightmare.

I had an Indian friend whose mother was like this. She was absolutely exhausting, nothing her daughter could ever do was right, she expected her to fly her to the UK twice a year business class and also to subsidise her life there, but what she really wanted was for her daughter to move to India and ‘look after’ her, as many of her friends did.

How said daughter was supposed to do this financially was left hanging, but mum said ‘life is very cheap here’ and ‘I’m sure you could get a job’.

She would regularly bewail her lot on almost every phone call, and it got to the point where the daughter dreaded calling her.

Me too and it does my head in. "Woe is me" messages about feeling ill, not being able to cope etc. I work full time, have animals (inc a horse) and a son still at home and simply cannot be there (lives 2.5 hours away too) Still feel guilty though..

😂

Don’t dump that on some poor unsuspecting bloke!!

No matter how much you do it will never be enough. You’ll never be able to please her. Why spend money on all these trip? Trying (and failing) to mind read what she might like to do? If she comes over, do it on your terms. When and how long. If she says one month minimum, say no it’s not possible and stick with it. Otherwise she doesn’t visit you. Get her to suggest any trips then it’s on her. You don’t need loads of trips, events or meals out etc. She should be happy visiting you. (Although she won’t be). Say you’re not organising any more trips as she’s never happy with what you try to do. Try to contact her less. Any happiness is on her not you. You can suggest things like craft sessions, evening classes, walking groups etc for her to do in her home town but you cannot do much more. If she doesn’t want to meet anyone or engage in activities, she probably will be lonely. That’s not your fault.

My grandmother was similar. She was great when we were young, but then became miserable and depressed after my grandfather died and made visits tortuous. Also did the guilt tripping if we didn't see them often enough. Made my mother's life a misery.

My advice would be to invent some financial issues and ask her for money. That should get her off your back for a bit, she'll drop you like a hot potato.

I don’t have anything useful to say or contribute here, just that I really sympathise. She sounds like a lot of hard work and it’s frustrating when people won’t help themselves. YANBU, she’s a massive pain the you know what…

Nothing will ever be enough for your mother so accept it and pull back for yourand your family.

Now that’s an idea.

Apologies for not replying individually, I’m here , reading everything, mulling it all in my head and trying to find some kind of balance.

We were having this exact conversation about DMIL…. DH and DSIL experience this almost every day. We are currently on a much needed holiday, post a period of ill health and major surgery. We prepared carefully for going away and our adult kids are helping out with DMIL. Should also say that DMIL has carers in 3 times a day and other visitors throughout week ie weekly hairdresser comes in, cleaner comes in twice a week, neighbour pops in a few times a week etc

We got a text after our first few days moaning about feeling stuck in, but too tired to go out, weather is too clammy so she can’t be bothered to cook, then a list of things wrong with her, there’s a never ending challenge with digestive tract related ailments…..so we called, more complaining about health and feeling down and what my DH calls guilt-tripping - not once asked if we were having a nice holiday etc

We have discussed how we must never inadvertently burden our children to make them responsible for our own happiness & wellbeing. The behaviour is pushing DH away, he doesn’t want to call and dreads visiting.

My advice is don’t allow this behaviour to become your problem to own/solve, only your DM can manage her own happiness & wellbeing. You may need some phrases to just deflect and bat off any verbal attacks ie turn it around and ask her how she intends to sort or do next and you might need to consider putting the phone down if she’s out of hand and let her stew for a while.

To me it Sounds like she wants you to offer her to live with you and that’s why she won’t accept anything else. Either that or she just wants to vent.

My DM is not like yours but I have learnt that sometimes she just likes to moan and doesn’t actually want solutions. I always say “well you can’t change other people -only yourself”. Try that?

I did. Also something along the lines “you know how these people(dad’s side) are and the relationship has been crap for years . “ They don’t like her and she doesn’t like them. It’s not exactly rocket science. The only difference is , she’s struggling in some ways so she could use their help and support, despite despising them.

Cant blame your dads side of the family for backing away, she sounds like a nightmare. Sounds like she wants to move in with you - i wouldnt suggest it it will be constant “i want to do this, do that” etc

Well it stands to reason that if none of the usual things that make people happy make her happy, she's going to be miserable. There's two approaches really, depending on how invested you are. If it's very important to you to give her pleasure, then you need to meet her where she is and do the things she wants to do, even if that is shopping or just sitting listening to her complain. If you're at the end of the road and don't feel inclined then go the opposite way, stop making the effort and do as you please and she will have to fit in. Tell her when visits will happen, what will happen on the days of the visit and she can take it or leave it. You have bent over backwards to lay on every conceivable entertainment and still she moans, so you'll be no worse off if you do nothing and she moans.

We’re in a one bedroom flat so no chances of that happening. Of course , that’s another failing of mine , because if we were well off enough , we’d have the space for her (it’s been hinted at before). Silver linings.

Wow, it sounds as if you go to a great deal of trouble to try to give her a nice time. However she clearly gets off on being a perpetual victim, so what ever you lay on won't be good enough. In which case, why not leave her to her own devices a bit more ("I haven't booked anything because I don't want to waste money on something you don't enjoy, so I'm going to leave you to decide for yourself where you'd like to go") and just get on with your life while she's here? Of course she won't like it, and will complain about it, but she would anyway. She sounds like really hard work.

She sounds like my mil, only happy when she is moaning but won’t do anything about it. We have tried to arrange things but she doesn’t actually want to do them, there’s always some excuse (too hot/cold/windy she’s tired etc). She just prefers to moan that she doesn’t do anything.
Sorry that’s not much help to you op, but I feel better getting it out 😂

My MIL was like this from day 1. Her husband and sons ignored her complaints. I was so shocked at their attitude. Took me a while to realise that it was a survival mechanism.

She was just a perpetual moaning Minnie.

Cut back on calls, end the call if she starts throwing a strop. Tell her sorry you called at a bad time.

You can't change her only yourself.

That’s ok , let it all out. Misery loves company.(See what I did there ? )

This!