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AIBU?

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Original poster

Is she being unreasonable?!

40 replies

relentlessbrainfog · 21/07/2025 11:32

Hiya. So step parenting related.

Bit of back ground, I have been with my husband 5 years now, we got married the end of last September. He has a daughter that we see regularly and no tension between parents and I get on really well with her too.

so my question is, since me and H have been together there has obviously been a few summer holidays which has never been an issue before. Now we are married the ex all of a sudden expects us to have SD for at least 4 weeks of it (which will actually be me as H will be at work) I’m on maternity leave and I have formed a really nice bond with SD so there absolutely no issue with me having her at all. I was just wondering if whether when your ex and partner got married would you expect responsibilities to step up a notch of the step parent?

we’ve always had her for a week here and there every summer holiday but this time is was sort of demanded.

I’ve agreed all dates she’s asked was more curious than anything.

OP posts:
GoldDuster · 21/07/2025 11:36

I don't see why his parenting obligation has anything to do with his marital status.

Michele09 · 21/07/2025 11:39

It sounds like it's more to do with your being at available home on maternity leave rather than being at work than you being married.

CommissarySushi · 21/07/2025 11:41

It's fair that he has her more in the summer holidays, but that shouldn't be your responsibility. He should find some childcare, if you (very reasonably) don't want to do it.

ComtesseDeSpair · 21/07/2025 11:41

DH should have been splitting school holidays more equally with his ex all along - she’s been bearing the brunt of trying to entertain DD and sort holiday childcare for the long summer whilst he’s just enjoyed a week or so with her here and there. Nothing to do with marriage - I expect his ex is now just fed up of the inequality.

If you aren’t in a position to look after DSD due to having a new baby (completely fair, she isn’t your responsibility) then DH needs to take leave and / or organise and pay for holiday clubs for her.

ThejoyofNC · 21/07/2025 11:41

Her mother has no right to demand anything of you. Your DH too. Your maternity leave isn't an opportunity for you to provide childcare for other people's children.

CommissarySushi · 21/07/2025 11:50

ThejoyofNC · 21/07/2025 11:41

Her mother has no right to demand anything of you. Your DH too. Your maternity leave isn't an opportunity for you to provide childcare for other people's children.

I think she has the right to demand her child's father takes on some of the childcare responsibilities during the summer holidays. It shouldn't be the OP's responsibility though.

Original poster
relentlessbrainfog · 21/07/2025 11:56

Yea just to be clear I 100% think it’s fair to ask him to have her and he would always take responsibility but it was me she was demanding it from.

I was also on Matt leave last year as well (11 months between babies) but wasn’t asked then.

this isn’t in any way a moaning post as I think it’s fair it’s shared. Was just curious that’s all

OP posts:
ComtesseDeSpair · 21/07/2025 11:59

She can’t “demand” anything from you, you’re not the child’s parent. Surely she isn’t really saying “relentlessbrainfog, you are to look after DSD this summer and I won’t accept anyone else doing it, even her dad.” She can absolutely ask her child’s father to step up and then it’s between him and you how you sort that out - childcare, him taking leave, you looking after her.

RuthW · 21/07/2025 12:01

The opposite- when my ex had dd it was on the understanding he had her, not a family member.

Very odd.

GoldDuster · 21/07/2025 12:01

relentlessbrainfog · 21/07/2025 11:56

Yea just to be clear I 100% think it’s fair to ask him to have her and he would always take responsibility but it was me she was demanding it from.

I was also on Matt leave last year as well (11 months between babies) but wasn’t asked then.

this isn’t in any way a moaning post as I think it’s fair it’s shared. Was just curious that’s all

This is a parenting arrangement that needs to be made between the two parents, not between the two women whom the childcare seems to be falling upon for some reason.

Original poster
relentlessbrainfog · 21/07/2025 12:03

relentlessbrainfog · 21/07/2025 11:32

Hiya. So step parenting related.

Bit of back ground, I have been with my husband 5 years now, we got married the end of last September. He has a daughter that we see regularly and no tension between parents and I get on really well with her too.

so my question is, since me and H have been together there has obviously been a few summer holidays which has never been an issue before. Now we are married the ex all of a sudden expects us to have SD for at least 4 weeks of it (which will actually be me as H will be at work) I’m on maternity leave and I have formed a really nice bond with SD so there absolutely no issue with me having her at all. I was just wondering if whether when your ex and partner got married would you expect responsibilities to step up a notch of the step parent?

we’ve always had her for a week here and there every summer holiday but this time is was sort of demanded.

I’ve agreed all dates she’s asked was more curious than anything.

Well obviously she isn’t saying that. When we said we would look through the dates and get back to her on what ones we can cover her response was “well you’re on Matt leave anyway”

OP posts:
Original poster
relentlessbrainfog · 21/07/2025 12:03

Oh I didn’t mean to quote myself 😂

OP posts:
WaltzingWaters · 21/07/2025 12:05

CommissarySushi · 21/07/2025 11:41

It's fair that he has her more in the summer holidays, but that shouldn't be your responsibility. He should find some childcare, if you (very reasonably) don't want to do it.

This. It would be very reasonable that your DH finds a summer camp for at least part of the time if he can’t care for his DD himself. It’s lovely you’re willing to do it, but you don’t have to do it the whole time.

GoldDuster · 21/07/2025 12:05

I suggest less "we" and more him. Yes I am on mat leave, Gary will be back to you regarding your shared parenting plan for the summer holidays.

DiscoBob · 21/07/2025 12:06

It's not you that should be dealing with it, it's him.

What did he say to you? Did she just ask you directly without his involvement?

He needs to speak to you and find out what you're able to do (if anything) and the rest he must source paid childcare or clubs. You're not obliged to solely care for his kids in the holidays, regardless of whether you're married or not.

Ponoka7 · 21/07/2025 12:09

On MN the step children of women, aren't connected in anyway, but any children the Mother comes with, should be thought of as if they are blood relatives. If you posted as a reverse, answers would include that even your Mother should be stepping up.
As said, your DH should have been doing more. You married him, so should see her as your close family. If you can, I think that you should. It'll be good for the siblings. But you are questioning this. Posters on here barely have a relationship with family, I wouldn't take my lead from this site tbh.

Hodgemollar · 21/07/2025 12:10

Your DH should be responsible for 50% of the holidays.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 21/07/2025 12:12

Your marriage is a total red herring. And you don’t have any obligation to do anything.

BUT (and it’s a huge but) your husband shouldn’t have been having his dd “here and there”, the norm would be to split the school holidays 50:50.

So yes, he should be stepping up to more holiday time with his dd.

But notice, he should be, not you. He needs to be taking the vast majority of his annual leave in the school hols, as a matter of course, not a favour to anyone. Yes, you can help him out if you want, but only if you want to.

Edit - this isn’t me saying you should act as though your dd has nothing to do with you, just that it’s his responsibility to cover the time. Take as read that of course you’ll be nice to her, treat her completely as your family once there - just that your H is responsible for making sure she’s cared for!

W0tnow · 21/07/2025 12:12

Hodgemollar · 21/07/2025 12:10

Your DH should be responsible for 50% of the holidays.

Maybe. But I think the daughter’s views should be taken into consideration.

What are they, OP?

Tiswa · 21/07/2025 12:14

So she asked your DP/both of you/just you? To cover half the summer holidays which you should do and you wanted to check dates and that is when she mentioned you were on maternity leave

because it should be half - and I would get your DP to make it half but beyond that you can’t check dates if it doesn’t work use childcare

Original poster
relentlessbrainfog · 21/07/2025 12:15

W0tnow · 21/07/2025 12:12

Maybe. But I think the daughter’s views should be taken into consideration.

What are they, OP?

Show quote history

She absolutely loves being here and spending time with us. Like I said I’ve formed a lovely bond with her and she loves it when I look after her.

the fact I have her isn’t the issue it was just a question whether you would expect step parent to step up when on Matt leave or married to the child’s dad that’s all.

OP posts:
GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 21/07/2025 12:19

GoldDuster · 21/07/2025 12:05

I suggest less "we" and more him. Yes I am on mat leave, Gary will be back to you regarding your shared parenting plan for the summer holidays.

Actually drives me a bit mad when people see themselves and their partner as one entity!

tinyspiny · 21/07/2025 12:21

If the parents are working and you are not and are happy to have her and she is happy to be with you it makes perfect sense otherwise it means someone is paying for childcare which seems a bit silly . If and when you go back to work obviously things will be different and you can all reach a different arrangement.

NoSoapJustUseShowerGel · 21/07/2025 12:21

If he was single he would either have to take the time off work to have his daughter, or if not possible then he would not be able to have her. The same should still apply and it shouldn’t fall to you to look after her.

W0tnow · 21/07/2025 12:23

Well then in my opinion, since you all get along, in an ideal world care would always be roughly 50/50. If anyone had babies (you or her), the other family unit might take on a bit of the running around in the short term. And ultimately the children would be put first, at least most of the time. Marital status wouldn’t really come into it.

I will say from personal experience that going from one house to another is kind of shit, no matter how well everyone gets along. But it is what it is. And all the adults involved should make sure as they possibly can, that transitions are seamless, and resentment is kept to a minimum, and certainly not witnessed by any child. Not that I’m suggesting there is resentment on your side. Maybe there is from hers?