Is she being unreasonable?!

[relentlessbrainfog]

Hiya. So step parenting related.

Bit of back ground, I have been with my husband 5 years now, we got married the end of last September. He has a daughter that we see regularly and no tension between parents and I get on really well with her too.

so my question is, since me and H have been together there has obviously been a few summer holidays which has never been an issue before. Now we are married the ex all of a sudden expects us to have SD for at least 4 weeks of it (which will actually be me as H will be at work) I’m on maternity leave and I have formed a really nice bond with SD so there absolutely no issue with me having her at all. I was just wondering if whether when your ex and partner got married would you expect responsibilities to step up a notch of the step parent?

we’ve always had her for a week here and there every summer holiday but this time is was sort of demanded.

I’ve agreed all dates she’s asked was more curious than anything.

Technically no, you shouldn't have to step up, it's all on your partner, the dad, who has chosen to make his existing daughter live with people to whom she is not related, and needs to arrange her life so that it is as pleasant for her as possible. (I have quite a lot of judgement for people who start second families as I think there is never really any need for it and it's essentially a betrayal of your existing children. But whatever. He's done it.)

Having said that, if I had my children and was working full time and their dad was living with another woman who then had 2 of their half-siblings - yeah, I would naturally think "You are on maternity leave, you have the time, you are perfectly able to take care of your children's siblings at the same time as taking care of your children". I'd be thinking you are getting the benefit of a maternity leave supported (emotionally, practically and probably financially) by your children's dad, you chose to have a family where your children would always have half siblings around...why is it such a big deal? I'd be thinking that it's a responsibility you would take on if you cared about all the children. I'd be thinking if you wanted to be precious about having perfect autonomy and control over your time, you probably should have had kids with someone who didn't already have kids.

You absolutely have the right to refuse to be responsible for the step kids. But honestly that's what I would be thinking about the both of you.

I would say the mat leave issue is totally between you and your partner and what you agree as a couple.

So he may ask “can you help out with my half of the childcare so that I can work x week/ days” as this might be useful to your family as a whole, or because his work only allows a certain amount of time in one to, or because dd prefers it, or whatever reason seems fair to you both.

But there’s no direct responsibility from you to your dsd’s mother in that respect - it doesn’t absolve her of her half of the holidays, except that it seems as though she’s done more than her fair share up until now. So there’s no correlation between your mat leave and the division of the holidays

Why would the default assumption be that a child wouldn’t want to see their father?

People on her really hate fathers and step parents don’t they.

thank you everyone for commenting with your views and opinions. Even though a few have made complete assumptions about my husbands capability as a father.

I won’t be responding anymore. But thank you again and have a nice day

That’s not my assumption. At all. Everyone bangs on about 50/50. Like it’s the gold standard. It can’t possibly be. Not for every child. That is not me saying a child should spend more than 50% of their time with their mother. That is me saying the child should have a say. I’m assuming since the OP now has two of her own little ones, her stepdaughter is old enough to have an opinion.

My parents separated. My brothers spent way more than 50% of their time with dad, just for practical reasons. Me, not as much. The point was, we all had a say.

How often does he see her?

If it’s only on the weekends say, then it’s normal to have more time during the holidays.

But if he has her 50/50 then it’s more normal to split the holidays, so the summer you’d have her for 3 weeks and mum would have her for 3 weeks.

If everyone has a good relationship then it’s pretty normal to change every now and then.

I wonder if the mum's circumstances have changed rather than your status? Or maybe she just feels things are more 'settled'. Nobody should be assuming that you are available for stepchildcare just because you're on Mat Leave but hope you have a lovely summer.

Your DH is responsible for half of his daughter's holiday care, obviously.

It should be up to him to sort that.

However, as his wife, it's likely preferable for your family that you (who is available as on Mat Leave) takes that role, rather than the other options which would be either he takes Parental Leave (unpaid), he uses up his A/L or he pays for childcare. All of the other options come at a hefty financial cost to your family or will use up the majority of his annual leave, which presumably you'd want to use for other things.

So, in your position, I'd do it - but I do agree that DH's ex should be liaising with him and not you to sort it.

How is your DH intending to cover his portion of the holidays once you're no longer on mat leave? I think that's probably something that he should sorting out sooner rather than later.

I don't hate fathers or step parents.

I do feel that the bulk of the childcare is falling to you by default because you are a woman, and a pregnant woman at that. This is not your conversation to be having with her, the parents need to work out their shared care plan, it should not be demanded of you.

The odd week here and there isn't it, if that's all he's been doing then resentment has possibly built up and you're now in the firing line to make up for his shortcomings. Could this be the case?

I think your dh should always be responsible for half of the holidays if both parents are working. Ideally using annual leave, paying for clubs or asking family such as you or his siblings/parents to help.

I dont think either of them should be assuming you will do it but realistically I expect that happens a lot if you are available.

My approach (not saying I am right, its just how my moral compass works), is that I would not have married a person with kids unless I was willing to treat them as my own. I would have considered school holidays etc prior to marriage. The kids would have been part of the wedding package. I have 3 kids with my ex with 50/50 parenting. If I met/married a guy with kids I would absolutely do for them as I do for my own. I understand that such relationships can be tricky and kids often act out - usually because the adults haven’t handled the situation well. Obviously, their mum should do 50% in the hols and at other times (as per whatever their arrangement was on split/current agreement) and your husband and self should do the rest. I think it would cause the child/ren of the previous relationship to be hurt/feel unwanted if there was bad feeling about having them. My ex has recently started a new relationship. It has been very badly undertaken by him and the new partner, as a result the kids have bad feeling towards her. Her behaviour has been poor and is difficult to defend. He has failed to take the correct approach. My kids are teenagers and are now acting out towards her. Lots of arguments and damage done. I would say unfixable, so if at some point he marries her, I would not expect the children would want to go to him at all. So, if that happens and children want to be with me 100%, thats what will happen. I think all this really depends on the age of the kids and what they want. Shouldn’t be too much bother for your husband to take them away on his own for a few weeks if you’re too tired to assist this year. There are lots of kids clubs too. They’re not kids for long!

Just out of interest, does the mother work?

Does she have other children?

Has she got a new boyfriend?

What is the financial arrangement and usual custody agreement?

It sounds fair that the holiday is split 50:50, why has this not happened previously?

It shouldn't be on you, but you and your husband to solve. If you don't feel like you are able to look after her as well as your children then you need to say to your partner about finding a holiday club for her.

YANBU

He should have them if he wants but it's not your responsibility

I think he should have been having half the holidays regardless. The step child shouldn’t just be dumped on you. If that’s how you and your husband choose to do it then fair enough but other wise he should be making sure he has plans for her.