Lazy f**ker

[Deedeedoe]

Partner has just retired. Good for them. Through out our relationship, 35 years, I have done the lions share of domestic chores and worked part-time while our kids were young. I ve also cared for elderly relatives, alone (only child) for the last.4.years terminally/chronically ill. Partner has a sibling who does the most caring for their parents , who fortunately live independently. I m not doing everything anymore. I ve explained this, very clearly.and pleasantly. But I ve come up againt resistant almost immediately. I always order the shopping online. I said ,"why don't you do it" and he's gone off in a huff. AIBU

So he retired and expected you to stay on as his housekeeper and do all the chores whilst he plays golf/gets acquainted with daytime tv? Absolutely not.

i don’t think this needs to be about equality for the past or vs your respective obligations to parents etc. It’s simply about the now and the future - you both have time at home now and it’s a chance to establish balance and support each other. You can walk him through how it’s done a few times if he’s incapable of figuring it out… but, he is on the shared hook.

I'm not saying he's not a lazy sod - but you can see why he believes this is how life works. 35 years of you has taught him that. It will clearly take more than one casual suggestion to re-train him.

Thanks for your reply

You've been a mug and he's played on it. You can't teach an old dog new tricks and all that.

It’s just a bit late to expect him to change. Doesn’t make it right but why did you think he would suddenly magically step up?

This. Absolutely things need to change but it is kind of weird when this stuff changes and I think a bit of something to work through. But yes, if he's not ordering the shopping then what would he like to do? And I don't really see why any job should be assumed to belong to one person.

YABU for waiting 35 years to pull him up on this

So he gets to retire and enjoy life but you don't. YANBU. He's being an asshole and you have to decide if this is dealbreaker for you. If it is, tell him that if it doesn't change you want out of the relationship. If that doesn't get him off his lazy ass and you can't stand any more of his selfishness then you know what you have to do.

Love how you are getting all the blame here. Basically you're being told "you should have trained him" "you should have told him years ago" "you should have pulled him up in this years ago". Classic it's the woman's fault.
Why shouldn't he have trained himself. Lazy twat. I'm pretty certain the most common time for divorce is after retirement now (because of dicks like this).

Bit late now isn't it. You've done it all for 35 years, why on earth would he change now?

So you're working full time, he's retired and won't do the online shop?!

Thanks is for your replies. I i stopped working 2 years ago to help care for my elderly parents and took early retirement. I know i ve been a mug but it's not that I haven't tried even to the point of separating for 9 months over the devision of labour . I carried on for my kids but they've left home and now it's just me. I think I'm going.ro withdraw my my labour and see what happens

Thanks is for your replies. I i stopped working 2 years ago to help care for my elderly parents and took early retirement. I know i ve been a mug but it's not that I haven't tried even to the point of separating for 9 months over the devision of labour . I carried on for my kids but they've left home and now it's just me. I think I'm going.ro withdraw my my labour and see what happens

It’s been 35 years and he’s just retired, it’s obviously going to take time. You sound you’re hostile

Split chores immediately, but pick the ones that would really drive you crazy if they are not done.

I pick cleaning and tidying up, I can't stand a messy house. I don't need to cook, I am happy to reheat a pack of soup for diner, so my DH would be in charge of cooking.

And stick with it!

if he had enough brain cell to hold a job, surely he can realise the house need things done? Just to get clean laundry and food in the plate?

Why should it take time?

I’d suggest you write down all youve got to do the following day and ask him what things he wants to do. That way he sees what it all is. Everything. Do that daily.

If he doesn't like it I’d remind him that if you split up he will have to do it all himself anyway so best gwt used to how the mop washing machine dishes bed making food shopping cooking meal prep daily life admin is all done as he’s have to do it all himself anyway,,

Just to be clear, I’m not blaming OP for the lazy fucker and it’s definitely not her fault nor is it her job to “train” him.

OP, if you left before maybe it’s time to leave again, this time permanently?

I just don’t think retirement usually comes with a personality transplant.

Agree. It's not up to women to teach men how to be adults. They have to figure it out for themselves.

If he doesn't want to discuss how to split responsibilities, then calmly tell him you're just going to pick the ones you don't mind and ignore the rest. Be prepared to follow through.

Who wouldn't be hostile when dealing with such outrageous entitlement?
How is time going to change a selfish man into a giver?

I just don’t know how men can morally sit on their arse watching their partners do everything. That’s not love imo. It baffles me that so many women enable it. I think young women like playing house and then it just sticks but I prefer family life as teamwork, not domestic servitude.

Good on you for making a stand, but I fear you’re years too late. A situation of entirely your own making.

She keeps refusing to do stuff for him and he will have to learn it himself… pretty simple really. Not guaranteed to work but it’s not exactly impossible that he may start doing things over time if she keeps refusing.

In the unlikely event that it does work, OP will still know he is only doing it because he has no choice, not because he cares about her stress level and wants to lighten her burdens. Without care and concern for his partner, it's not much of a marriage.