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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not lend my dad £1000 (sorry rant)

45 replies

hadenough321 · 27/05/2008 11:48

Name changed for this

My parents split up when I was five and although we kept contact with my dad and regulary visited him he never contributed much to help my mum. However he did manage to live the high life with my step mum and funded HER children through private school while we went to a pretty poor comprehensive. He's since split up with her and become involved with another woman who he has 2 children with aged about 6 and 8. (they are both at state school for what it matters)

We only see each other once or twice a year now and talk every couple of months.

However about a month ago he called me and in the course of the conversation suddenly asked me to lend him £1000. He woudln't tell me what it was for and wouldn't tell me how he planned to pay it back. I therefore refused to lend it to him. He's now told my brother and sister that I have been very rude to him, refused to help him out and that I don't care if he ends up on the street with the children. They can't afford to lend him the money and he knows it. However although it would be a LOT of money to me and I'd struggle a bit for a month or two I could do it.

I just didn't see why I should. Now my brother and sister and my Aunt have all stopped talking to me and my dad's not returned any of my calls until last night when he called to say the house had been repossessed and it was MY fault for refusing to give (not lend) him the money and he hopes I feel ashamed of myself. He said he'd have to move into rented and claim housing benefit and I should help him out with the deposit. He is self employed and never brought a lot in, his girlfriend is a SAHM.

sorry Ive ranted on and on. I feel so upset and am blaming myself even though I know logically £1000 wouldn't have sorted him out.

OP posts:

Baffy · 27/05/2008 11:53

If it was at the stage of his house being repossessed it was way way past the point of help. £1000 would have gone nowhere. And you'd have been out of pocket for nothing.
Not to mention once you'd lent the first £1k the requests for more would have come flooding in!

As hard as it may be, your father is not your responsibility and please do not take any of the guilt over this.

Even despite the fact he wasn't there for you as children / didn't help your mum etc. It's all irrelevant. He is in a complete mess, it is his life, and it wasn't your mess to sort out.

Families are bloody hard work sometimes Makes me too.

Hope you're ok.

Lollypopzmummy · 27/05/2008 11:54

Sounds like he's just trying it on to me.
£1000 would not have solved his problems if his house has been repossessed , does he have a gambling problem or anything like that?
Sounds very suspicious, and am for you that your family have chosen to take his word for it without asking you about the situation first!

Not sure I can be of any help but it all sounds a bit suspicious to me. . . I'm sure if his kids were really at risk for the sake of £1000 he'd find it from somewhere (or would've been able to give you more information in the first place for it!).

You might just have to wait it out. . .

Lollypopzmummy · 27/05/2008 11:54

x-posts with Baffy.

Bky · 27/05/2008 11:55

Poor you....people don't just repossess houses though, it must have been a long time coming and although is a large amount of money not an impossible amount to get himself with doing extra work and some serious saving.

It is your money to do as you wish with and I think it is completely unreasonable for other family members to be judging you, after all they didn't lend him the money either.

GrimmaTheNome · 27/05/2008 11:57

YANBU.
The rest of your family are, unfortunately.

sitdownpleasegeorge · 27/05/2008 12:00

Would he have lent you £1,000 if you had refused to tell him what it was for or how you'd manage to pay it back ?

Please don't feel guilty, £1,000 would not have solved his problems long term, it would only have prolonged the financial crisis period for them.

His wife needs to get a part-time job of some sort as both their children are school age now.

I'm sorry but I wouldn't have lent him a bean if he really had put his second wife's children through private school although we don't know all the facts and it may be that their grandparents actually paid or her first husband.

Original poster

hadenough321 · 27/05/2008 12:02

sitdownpleasegeorge - no it was definately paid for by him. I remember him telling me that the reason he couldn't afford to put us in the same school was because he was already paying for our step brothers and sister!!

OP posts:

NickiSue · 27/05/2008 12:03

Personally, no, I dont think you should feel bad for not givig him the money! Its not like he was asking for a £20 loan, in fact from what you say, not a loan at all. Why your siblings etc arent speaking to you seems ridiculous, especially as they could have "helped".

Do not blame yourself, a £1000 "gift" is a big one to give and you have yourself and family to support - would you assume/demand a member of your family give you that amount or any amount? Im sure you wouldn't.

Don't feel bad and certianly don't help with the rental deposit!!

Sorry youve had a hard time with them hun x

sophiewd · 27/05/2008 12:10

YANBU

Don't start as it will be the thin end of the edge as my FIL has expereinced over the past few years.

alittleone2 · 27/05/2008 12:36

Message withdrawn

PersephoneSnape · 27/05/2008 13:11

you're not being unreasonable at all - i think it's incredibly cheeky for him to ask. his financial problems are not your fault or concern.

ally90 · 27/05/2008 13:50

YANBU.

He is responsible for himself and his family, you are responsible for yourself and your family ie dh/dc.

He is being VERY unreasonable. And amazingly rude too! Strange how we accuse and slag off seeming faults in others that are actually faults of our own

Do not give in to his emotional blackmail. Your brother sister and aunt should not be getting involved. If they want your side of the story its up to them to call you and speak to you.

Hugs for you if that's okay

allyx

Quattrocento · 27/05/2008 14:01

Children should be wary of parental financial dependence

particularly if it is an absentee financially feckless parent who proposes to depend on you

firm but fair is the line to take

"sorry dad, I have children to support. I'm sure you appreciate the importance of that"

Good luck

NotABanana · 27/05/2008 14:03

I think if someone asks for that sort of money you are entitled to know what it is for.

YANBU, but the rest of the family are.

OverMyDeadBody · 27/05/2008 14:08

YANBU. Rant away.

PinkChick · 27/05/2008 14:11

YA most definatly NOT BU!

your father is not there for you to loko after and bail out!

id write noted to each of your family who are ignoring you..put in..dear x, the reason our/my father si not talking to me/bad mouthing me is becuase he wanted £1000 from me, with no explanation of what for nor any plan to apy it back, when i refused this ahppend..if you still feel the need to act as immaturely as him, feel free, but now you KNOW you are being silly.

FAMILIES..Argghhh

Brangelina · 27/05/2008 14:17

YANBU, he should look closer to home before asking for handouts anywhere else.

A friend of my DP's is currently being taken to court along with this siblings by their absent father (who ran of when friend and siblings were small and never paid a penny after that) who is demanding that they support him in his old age. All this after they hadn't heard from him in nearly 40 years. Some people have got a nerve!

MrsTittleMouse · 27/05/2008 14:22

YANBU. He expected you to cough up £1000 with no explanation or plan to pay you back?!? You can bet that it wouldn't be the last money that he would "borrow" from you either.
I think if it like any other addiction - the longer that people will bail him out, the longer that he doesn't have to take responsibility for himself. Better for everything to hit the fan now, and then he has to behave like an adult (for what sounds like the first time in his life).
I hope that the rest of your family come around soon.

GryffinGirl · 27/05/2008 14:29

don't do it. YANBU. i have been exactly in your position (biographical details all sound the same - father living the high life while my mum struggled to pay for us etc). You don't know what your dad will use this money for and if it is for something like a house repossession, then things have gone too far for £1000 to make any difference to them.

My dad went through a bad patch and I lent him some money, which i have never got back. I had the same family pressures as you about how mean I was demanding the repayment of the money because I was "rich" (yeah, right) and he had nothing. he had nothing because he p*ssed his life up the wall at the pub.

It was a stretch for me financially. Then I found out he had used the money to buy a diamond necklace for his girlfriend, a five star hotel and had spent £120 on gin and tonics in one night instead of putting the money towards anything useful like paying off his £40k (yes really) overdraft.

prettybird · 27/05/2008 14:36

Brangelina!

I really hope that the judge tells yuor friend's father where to disappear to!

Brangelina · 27/05/2008 14:49

Unfotunately he may well win, as the law in this country (Italy) states that you are obliged to provide for your immediate kin. I was when I found that out.

Original poster

hadenough321 · 27/05/2008 14:50

Thank you everyone for your support on this. Wish my family understood as well as you all do. The only person who seems to be on my side is my mum who quite understandably thinks my dad is a feckless bstrd.

Anyway its worse than I thought. I was just talking to my boss about the situation and he says if it comes to it they will let me have an advance on my pay to be taken out of salary over a six month period to help with a deposit (don't really want to help at all but useful to have the option). He suggested that we check the bankruptcy register and Dad's name is there. Don't know what to think anymore. He was clearly well beyond anything I could have done to sort him out even if he'd been sensible enough to explain matters to me when he asked for money. Will they have taken the house as a part of the bankruptcy deal? I don't really understand these things.

My heads spinning. So upset at the moment

OP posts:

CarGirl · 27/05/2008 14:52

I wouldn't help him out all, the council will give them some sort of emergency housing - b&b or something. He is not your responsibility - if you bail him out he will probably expect it again and again.

Yes if he has gone bankrupt then he will have lost his house to the mortgage provider and any other lenders who he used the house as collaterol for.

prettybird · 27/05/2008 14:55

SOunds like you have a supportive boss, which must help, especially when your own family aren't thinking things thorugh.

Brangelina - : ereposnbility is a two way street. having said that, when he is old, they can find him the shittiest, cheapest nursing home for him to go into!

sitdownpleasegeorge · 27/05/2008 14:59

If you are even considering helping your dad out with a deposit could you ask that your siblings do their bit too but on a smaller scale, say £50 or so each. This will then mean that you are in this together if your father defaults on the rent and loses the deposit you will all be united in your sense of disappointment at his finacial fecklessness.

Personally I would say don't lend what you can't afford to lose but I think you already know that.

You are being very reasonable about the whole thing. Your mother knows this.

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