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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not lend my dad £1000 (sorry rant)

45 replies

hadenough321 · 27/05/2008 11:48

Name changed for this

My parents split up when I was five and although we kept contact with my dad and regulary visited him he never contributed much to help my mum. However he did manage to live the high life with my step mum and funded HER children through private school while we went to a pretty poor comprehensive. He's since split up with her and become involved with another woman who he has 2 children with aged about 6 and 8. (they are both at state school for what it matters)

We only see each other once or twice a year now and talk every couple of months.

However about a month ago he called me and in the course of the conversation suddenly asked me to lend him £1000. He woudln't tell me what it was for and wouldn't tell me how he planned to pay it back. I therefore refused to lend it to him. He's now told my brother and sister that I have been very rude to him, refused to help him out and that I don't care if he ends up on the street with the children. They can't afford to lend him the money and he knows it. However although it would be a LOT of money to me and I'd struggle a bit for a month or two I could do it.

I just didn't see why I should. Now my brother and sister and my Aunt have all stopped talking to me and my dad's not returned any of my calls until last night when he called to say the house had been repossessed and it was MY fault for refusing to give (not lend) him the money and he hopes I feel ashamed of myself. He said he'd have to move into rented and claim housing benefit and I should help him out with the deposit. He is self employed and never brought a lot in, his girlfriend is a SAHM.

sorry Ive ranted on and on. I feel so upset and am blaming myself even though I know logically £1000 wouldn't have sorted him out.

OP posts:

alittleone2 · 27/05/2008 15:01

Message withdrawn

Original poster

hadenough321 · 27/05/2008 15:10

OMG alittleone2 I had no idea. I didn't even know he was bankrupt until an hour ago. Thank God I said no.

OP posts:

GryffinGirl · 27/05/2008 15:13

what alittleone2 says - the money should go straight to his trustee in bankruptcy or IVA advisor and not into his pocket. If your dad is bankrupt, don't get involved with directing money away from his creditors

On the bright side you have a very understanding and bright boss

i think now you have a way of explaining to your family why you cannot help your dad.

I am at Brangelina's friend's situation.

sitdownpleasegeorge · 28/05/2008 13:31

Did he go bankrupt before or after he asked for the money ?

I think handouts from family wouldn't actually be judged to harshly by the receiver as they are gifts and it sounds like your father would have used the money to live on (buying food or paying for electricity/petrol e.g.) or to pay a creditor. If he had paid for a holiday with the money that would be viewed differently.

It would be useful to suggest as a reason for not giving him the £1,000 though as family are likely to be unaware of the exact rules surrounding bankruptcy.

Cammelia · 28/05/2008 13:46

YANBU

more · 28/05/2008 16:41

I think your siblings (and aunty) are worse behaved than your father, especially if they are not interested in hearing your side of the story.

He probably knows that he is in the wrong and is taking all his guilt etc out on you in all the wrong ways.

This is his problem not yours.

Original poster

hadenough321 · 29/05/2008 12:24

He went bankrupt just before asking for the money (matter of a few days).

I can't believe what's happening. I phoned him again last night and asked him directly what was going on. He admitted to being bankrupt and said hed stopped paying the mortgage months ago. He had about £60,000 worth of debt on top of the mortgage.

To top it all he's now told me he'd entered my half sister for a private school from next term and hasn't given notice. I know he should have done it by the start of the summer term. Ive just contacted them on his behalf and explained the siutation (thankfully the head was there even though its half term). She was very understanding and said in the circumstances she will talk to the burser and the governors and see if they can find a way of not persuing him. She also mentioned that she had a long waiting list so would hopefully be able to find another child to fill the place. Still not certain they won't chase him though although she seemed to understand there's not much point in chasing a bankrupt.

So upset by the whole thing. Sometimes I think it was best for our family that he left us when he did - at least my mum had a head for finances.

OP posts:

GryffinGirl · 29/05/2008 23:09

god, what a mess he has got himself into hadenough. Why did you have to phone the school and not him? Is he sticking his head in the sand again?

At least you never parted with the money which would have gone into a black hole never to be seen again.

Did your dad explain how it came to £60k and the mortgage? When my dad did similar, he was hugely defensive when I asked him what had happened and wouldn't admit the extent at all, even when laid in front of him. Apparently, it was his right to live how he wanted, he had done nothing wrong and couldn't see why he was being chased by the baliffs yet I was still expected to bail him out - finacially, practically and emotionally. be careful how much you "invest" in helping him because it is neverending once you offer practical help I know grin])

milliec · 30/05/2008 11:08

Message withdrawn

CarGirl · 30/05/2008 14:13

I must be very cold hearted because I think I'd just leave him to get on with it - his behaviour is appalling.

GryffinGirl · 30/05/2008 14:54

I agree with CarGirl. You're better to leave him to deal with it. he has to face up to this himself

MsHighwater · 31/05/2008 00:30

Just going back to your original post, as far as I'm concerned, if it would have caused you to have to "struggle" for a couple of months to lend him the money, you couldn't afford to do it either.

Clearly, however, your £1k would have been but a drop in the ocean. Hopefully your family members will eat their words and apologise to you. Hugely unfair to blame you for a situation entirely of his (and his dp's) own making.

findthepoormansquattroriver · 31/05/2008 00:32

YANBU. I wouldnt go there.

solo · 31/05/2008 00:36

Sounds like he's trying and succeeding to make you feel guilty. Don't! It takes a full two years of not paying a mortgage before they start repo proceedings. You couldn't have saved him with a grand. You need to put you and your kids before him, he's old enough to look after himself and know better.

shybaby · 31/05/2008 01:00

yanbu. Let me tell you about my father. For possibly the last 15 years he's seen me twice a year. Last year he gave me a card for my birthday, no gift as he said he couldn't afford it (a £1 box of maltesers would have done me tbh). He said his house was on the market and he was desperate for money. Then three months later he paid for my stepsister's f**king high class country house wedding, obviously, she is not even his child.

If I had a million he'd get nothing of it.

Upwind · 31/05/2008 06:45

YANBU

at your Dad for putting you in this position, and your siblings for being so unreasonable

kd73 · 31/05/2008 08:01

He is an adult, he lives with an adult and therefore they should take responsibility for their own actions.

Bailing out people who are bad with money is always going to be a bad idea, unless you can afford to give away £1000 with no emotion attached to how they choose to spend it!

In your position, I'd tell him no..... or offer £500 IF he can the other £500 from family members then sit back and wait......

GumsAndRoses · 31/05/2008 08:15

YANBU

Can't quite see how his getting into debt is your fault

Very unreasonable of him to put you in this position.

BouncingTurtle · 31/05/2008 08:18

So glad you didn't give him that money.. if you had I have a feeling he would have done a runner with it .

Hope your siblings come to their senses and apologise to you.
Am on your behalf at him putting his sc before you - you should all have been treated equally!

Shybaby - that is awful

duchesse · 31/05/2008 08:30

He's abusing you and trying to pass the blame off onto you rather than take it himself. I'm guessing he probably treated your poor mum like this, and is trying to find a mug in the next generation to mop up after him. Sorry to be so blunt, but you bear no responsibility for his predicament whatever he may say to you. Do not be taken in by his accusations. Sorry for you. I have a similar father- I find the only way to deal with him is with very large pinch of salt.

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