To not go to afternoon tea

[Scramblingeggs]

So not to drip feed, i have missed a few in-laws occasions (not all, I make the effort where I can) due to ill health, caring for my elderly parent and then bereavement. (I don't make the odd Christmas dinner or bday meal) I think it bugs them but I can't really help that.

MIL has big bday next week. Husband and I have offered to take her out for a meal next weekend. I found out a few days ago that an afternoon tea has been organised for her bday for today. This had been organised by the wider family group.

I have a really difficult week around the reasons at the beginning and I could do with a reset day, plus the expense of a 2nd meal out is challenging. Now I've heard this will have champagne and balloons etc involved and it seems like quite a big deal. AIBU to not go?

But even without the health issues, anyone with any compassion would understand why you might need to be at home and grieve.

You do sound a bit like that in fairness.

If you’re happy to go to either Id ask MIL if she prefers you to join in the afternoon tea OR continue with the lunch plan. If you don’t feel up to the afternoon tea just keep with the existing plan.

Is it it clear that DH can go to whatever of his family events without you?

I would do this too

Cancel the dinner and go to the tea. You don’t have to have champagne if you don’t want it.

Lol I mean actually I'm not honestly. I'm friendly and outgoing but unfortunately my illness and mom's illness and death was all just a bit inconvenient for them as interrupted plans and family get together. At least that's how it came across.

Put your feet up and send DH along - set a precedent that your needs must be considered in terms of your health and focus on next weekend instead. If it was your Mum I’d say push yourself but today I’d say nope

If it meant a lot she would have remembered to invite everyone in the first place.

OP I have also suffered a bereavement recently. Even without the late notice and health issues I would say look after yourself. Take the day if you need it and don't feel guilty. Sometimes we need to put ourselves first.

Just say "Sorry. Due to late notice can't make it. See you next week". Don't say any more.

How does you DH feel about going without you? If fine, I’d get him to go and he can explain that the short notice made it hard for you. If he is not keen, I think I’d make the effort to go with him.

YANBU to not go purely on the basis they forgot to invite you. Your attendance wasn’t high on their list so just say thanks for the late invite but I can’t make it

He has gone. He would have preferred me be there of course but understands as he's seen things have been difficult.

She'll have a lovely day I'm sure and I've affirmed treating her next weekend as well.

I would be lying if I said I would feel slightly more guilty if they had remembered to actually invite us in the first place yes.

If you've just got your own Mum's ashes back surely your Mil will understand you not being up for a celebration so quickly especially as your own health is not great. Look after yourself OP. Sounds like you and DH were only an afterthought anyway. Just let Bil do this for Mil and you and DH stick to original plan to take her for a meal next weekend.

i wouldnt bther if someone forgot to even invite me

I just do not get the YABU votes. Invitations are not commands and they actually FORGOT to invite you????????? Take your reset day and relax OP

Well silly you. They forgot so that was your very perfect opportunity to say that you had something else on.
they also forgot so clearly didn’t think you are important enough, so why are you sitting dithering and fretting over what to do?
Say you can’t make it and you will see them at the arranged meal the week after.

You do the afternoon tea and your DH does the meal
next weekend.

I probably would've gone, it's an afternoon tea so only a couple of hours tops you could've relaxed this morning and this evening and you could've cancelled the plan to take her out separately so would've had more time for yourself overall.

Choose one to attend. She can't expect both. Just explain that you cannot afford to do both. Perhaps she'll suggest only attending the afternoon tea? Ask your husband to have a chat with her to check and manage her expectations.

It won't be a couple of hours, there will be expectations to go back to her house afterwards for drinks and presents it would be a full afternoon and early evening, just for context.

She's a nice lady but I can assure you cancelling our plan to take her out and attend today instead would not go down well. She would want both.

If you don't want to go, don't go.

She didn't.

You really should try to let go of peoples expectations about what you should be doing and start doing what you actually want to do. Once you stop with all that bullshit it’s very liberating.

Well they can’t be that bothered if they forgot to invite you! I wouldn’t go.

@Scramblingeggs they didnt invite you or your dh who is the son/bro??? ye gods, I would not even be sending apologies!!!! I would be hard pushed to even speak to them again!!