Was dh out of order?

gossipgossipgossip · 2025-07-20T08:03:11+00:00

We have a son who is 8 with asd and developmental delays, he has various sensory needs and will do repetitive actions seeking certain responses. A current one is stroking our foreheads. (Just me and dh) I have put in place that he asks first , so he will ask me, he strokes my forehead for a few seconds then he’s happy. Dh will also let him do it but then gets instantly cross if ds does it when dh doesn’t want him to. This happened during bed time, after ds was in bed I tried to explain to dh how I manage it (which he also sees me do) dh walked over while I was speaking and prodded me quite roughly in the forehead (which ds has never done to me) . I was a bit taken aback, aside from thinking it was unnecessary I suffer from chronic pain (in my back and legs) and have recently (due to meds ) had constant headache so really don’t need prodding in the head on top of that. I was cross and raised it with dh later which he dismissed as me being sensitive. aibu to be upset?

toomuchfaff · 20/07/2025 09:08

YANBU

Firstly the anger & aggression directed toward DC, then to poke you - thats 2 instances of uncontrollable anger.

Second, dismissing you as sensitive...

Google;
Negative connotations:
Dismissal of feelings:
Being told "you're too sensitive" can be a way to dismiss or invalidate someone's feelings, suggesting they are overreacting or their emotions are not valid.
Manipulation:
Some individuals may use this phrase to manipulate or control others, particularly in situations where they want to avoid taking responsibility for their actions or words.
Gaslighting:
In some cases, this phrase can be a form of gaslighting, where someone tries to make another person question their own perception of reality.

JMSA · 20/07/2025 09:10

Yes, he was out of order.

Flashout · 20/07/2025 09:11

YABU. It sounds like your husband gets triggered by this, which he has the right to do. He shouldn’t poke you but that’s not to say that he should be able to tolerate having his face stroked just because you do. It would drive me absolutely nuts.

Original poster

gossipgossipgossip · 20/07/2025 09:13

Flashout · 20/07/2025 09:11

YABU. It sounds like your husband gets triggered by this, which he has the right to do. He shouldn’t poke you but that’s not to say that he should be able to tolerate having his face stroked just because you do. It would drive me absolutely nuts.

I agree but then he needs to find a way to manage it . It’s confusing to ds to let him/not let him. Either one or the other.

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Strictly1 · 20/07/2025 09:15

It sounds like he was showing you what he doesn’t like but you’ve been arguing is okay. He doesn’t like it and has the right to tell his son not to do it. Not the best thing to do but he was probably frustrated that you’re not listening.

HelpMeUnpickThis · 20/07/2025 09:17

Strictly1 · 20/07/2025 09:15

It sounds like he was showing you what he doesn’t like but you’ve been arguing is okay. He doesn’t like it and has the right to tell his son not to do it. Not the best thing to do but he was probably frustrated that you’re not listening.

Agreed but he had no right to then poke @gossipgossipgossip in the forehead. That is not ok.

@gossipgossipgossip your strategy is not working for your husband. He should have communicated this better as an adult. However, if he doesnt have the tolerance to be stroked then he is allowed to have that boundary.

I hope you find an alternative solution.

Wish44 · 20/07/2025 09:19

He doesn’t like it. I really understand this. I can’t stand things in my face , people touching my face. I am so clear with my kids about this and get cross if they don’t respect it.

obviously jabbing you is wrong but I don’t think you should be asking him to tolerate something just because you do.

Didimum · 20/07/2025 09:19

gossipgossipgossip · 20/07/2025 09:13

I agree but then he needs to find a way to manage it . It’s confusing to ds to let him/not let him. Either one or the other.

Show quote history

If you’ve established with DS that he needs to ask first and receive a ‘yes’, then it shouldn’t be confusing. Why doesn’t he also ask your DH? Sounds as if he doesn’t understand he needs to ask first, therefore your husband rejecting it without being and saying yes is actually the better lesson?

Original poster

gossipgossipgossip · 20/07/2025 09:19

Strictly1 · 20/07/2025 09:15

It sounds like he was showing you what he doesn’t like but you’ve been arguing is okay. He doesn’t like it and has the right to tell his son not to do it. Not the best thing to do but he was probably frustrated that you’re not listening.

It was nothing like what ds does

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Eenameenadeeka · 20/07/2025 09:21

If he often gets instantly cross about it, I wonder if it's the opposite sensory experience for your husband, and he finds it very overstimulating? And then he's annoyed because he's trying to manage his own experience and you are telling him how to handle it when it sounds like it's an issue for him. Does sound like he needs to have a boundary around it so that he doesn't get annoyed, but is it that he is allowing something he hates to keep your son calm ?

PopThatBench · 20/07/2025 09:21

It reads to me that your DH doesn’t like it, you’re trying to tell DH that he should manage it the same way you do, you’re not listening to him to so he’s tried to prove a point by doing it to you and you didn’t like it…

I think it would be good practice to teach your son that some people just don’t like it and he has to respect that boundary and find a different outlet. He’s only 8 now but you can’t have a 16 year-old going round doing what he wants to people at school/college etc. it’s just setting him up to get into trouble.

Original poster

gossipgossipgossip · 20/07/2025 09:23

Didimum · 20/07/2025 09:19

If you’ve established with DS that he needs to ask first and receive a ‘yes’, then it shouldn’t be confusing. Why doesn’t he also ask your DH? Sounds as if he doesn’t understand he needs to ask first, therefore your husband rejecting it without being and saying yes is actually the better lesson?

Show quote history

Yes ds knows to ask me and if I’m around I will remind ds to ask dh but no he doesn’t know to do it because dh hasn’t enforced it. He just sometimes lets ds and sometimes doesn’t. Because dh gets instantly cross ds then gets agitated and then plays up (will try to do it more)

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Original poster

gossipgossipgossip · 20/07/2025 09:24

PopThatBench · 20/07/2025 09:21

It reads to me that your DH doesn’t like it, you’re trying to tell DH that he should manage it the same way you do, you’re not listening to him to so he’s tried to prove a point by doing it to you and you didn’t like it…

I think it would be good practice to teach your son that some people just don’t like it and he has to respect that boundary and find a different outlet. He’s only 8 now but you can’t have a 16 year-old going round doing what he wants to people at school/college etc. it’s just setting him up to get into trouble.

Can’t dh do that? There are things I don’t like that I don’t allow.

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Original poster

gossipgossipgossip · 20/07/2025 09:26

Eenameenadeeka · 20/07/2025 09:21

If he often gets instantly cross about it, I wonder if it's the opposite sensory experience for your husband, and he finds it very overstimulating? And then he's annoyed because he's trying to manage his own experience and you are telling him how to handle it when it sounds like it's an issue for him. Does sound like he needs to have a boundary around it so that he doesn't get annoyed, but is it that he is allowing something he hates to keep your son calm ?

Yes I think so. I don’t love it but it’s a few seconds and it soothes our son. But the way dh reacts makes it a bigger issue and dh usually gives in and lets him do it (to calm our son) which sends completely the wrong message

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Flashout · 20/07/2025 09:29

Your husband can’t tolerate it, to the degree that he can’t manage what he would need to do in order to be able to tolerate it. So encourage him to draw a line and say “no” when your son tries this. Just because it calms your son, doesn’t trump your husband’s discomfort.

TidyDancer · 20/07/2025 09:29

He was using a more extreme example to get you to understand how he doesn’t like it. It sounds to me that he’s communicated it quite poorly but he doesn’t want to be touched and he’s done with it. He needs to be more straight with your DS if he can’t tolerate it, although it does sound like it happened on this occasion because DS did it without asking? Maybe in future it would be better if he didn’t allow it at all.

I think it’s best to draw a line under this and move on tbh.

PopThatBench · 20/07/2025 09:30

gossipgossipgossip · 20/07/2025 09:24

Can’t dh do that? There are things I don’t like that I don’t allow.

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Can’t DH do what, be the one to teach your son? Absolutely. If he isn’t, that’s his own fault.

tumblingdowntherabbithole · 20/07/2025 09:31

He didn't go about it in the best way, but it sound like he was trying to make a point about how irritating he finds it.

If you want to let your DS stroke your head, that's fine, but I think your DH needs to feel like he can say "no" without it causing an issue.

I wouldn't be letting anyone stroke my head. Even thinking about it is making me feel irritated, lol.

ResidentPorker · 20/07/2025 09:31

YABU to expect that your DH should tolerate it just because you do and your DS likes it.

Why should your son’s “sensory needs” be more important than your husband’s? I’d fucking hate someone compulsively stroking my face even if they liked it.

Didimum · 20/07/2025 09:31

gossipgossipgossip · 20/07/2025 09:23

Yes ds knows to ask me and if I’m around I will remind ds to ask dh but no he doesn’t know to do it because dh hasn’t enforced it. He just sometimes lets ds and sometimes doesn’t. Because dh gets instantly cross ds then gets agitated and then plays up (will try to do it more)

Show quote history

This is a poor lesson from BOTH of you. You should not be setting your DS up to think he only has to ask you for permission. He needs to ask everyone.

ResidentPorker · 20/07/2025 09:32

Maybe your husband has some sensory issues too.

UsingAMansNameInAWomensWorld · 20/07/2025 09:33

Maybe the prod was to demonstrate what it feels like to him

What if your son started stroking your leg to "reassure himself"? It might inflame your chronic pain or make you feel very uncomfortable and you might react badly

Being made to feel uncomfortable, sometimes people do act more aggressively/angrily as a defense mechanism

tumblingdowntherabbithole · 20/07/2025 09:34

ResidentPorker · 20/07/2025 09:32

Maybe your husband has some sensory issues too.

I would bet good money on it - ASD often runs in families.

I'm autistic and so is my dad, but we have completely different sensory needs and it can cause quite a bit of conflict sometimes, even as adults.

RevolutionHere · 20/07/2025 09:34

of course that wasnt very pleasant
is there any way of distracting your ds?

Moonnstars · 20/07/2025 09:35

YABU. Your DH clearly does not like this and your son doesn't have clear boundaries over whether this is ok. Even you have said you sometimes only tolerate it because it soothes your son. Do you actually ever say no?
Can you give DS something else to use as a comforter and remind him of safe touch?