Was dh out of order?

[gossipgossipgossip]

We have a son who is 8 with asd and developmental delays, he has various sensory needs and will do repetitive actions seeking certain responses.
A current one is stroking our foreheads. (Just me and dh) I have put in place that he asks first , so he will ask me, he strokes my forehead for a few seconds then he’s happy. Dh will also let him do it but then gets instantly cross if ds does it when dh doesn’t want him to.

This happened during bed time, after ds was in bed I tried to explain to dh how I manage it (which he also sees me do) dh walked over while I was speaking and prodded me quite roughly in the forehead (which ds has never done to me) . I was a bit taken aback, aside from thinking it was unnecessary I suffer from chronic pain (in my back and legs) and have recently (due to meds ) had constant headache so really don’t need prodding in the head on top of that.
I was cross and raised it with dh later which he dismissed as me being sensitive.
aibu to be upset?

Yeah I think he needs to always say no, because it's not healthy for your husband to tolerate something that actually feels awful for him, and it doesn't teach your son well to give in to soothe him because he isn't learning to respect people's boundaries. My son is only 2, but he has this way of rubbing his hands on me when he's falling asleep that makes my skin crawl and I used to allow him to do it because it soothes him to sleep, but I realized that it wasn't good for either of us (not good for me because it feels awful for me, and not good to teach him to be dependent on something that was unpleasant to me) and i now gently stop him from doing it which he did not like at first but he's finding other ways to settle. It sounds like your husband was annoyed by feeling he had to give in to his own boundaries, and maybe what you said about how you handle it maybe felt like you also feel like he needs to just tolerate it even though he doesn't want to?? Rather than an argument, maybe it's a discussion point where you can agree on how you both want to manage it, and it's okay if he has his own thing (maybe he doesn't allow it) if what works for him is different than what works for you.

I don’t, if I’m there I remind him to ask dh. Dh doesn’t re enforce this. Ds does respond differently to us though. He tends to play dh up more but I think that’s due to lack of consistency and dh getting cross which makes ds agitated.

I don’t love having my forehead stroked but I’m an adult and ds is a disabled child it probably adds up to about a minute a day. Whereas dhs letting him/not letting him/getting cross/letting him approach takes significantly longer. But if dh decided it’s a hill to die on I would support him. There’s been things I’ve said no to and ds has coped fine.

Your DH shouldn’t have prodded you like that, but you are both parenting a child with SN and behaviours that are difficult to tolerate and manage, so you can’t be expected to react perfectly every time.

He should draw a line and say no, he was evidently proving a point that its annoying and uncomfortable when someone doesnt ask and just pokes you in the forehead. I would also literally despise this, its probably confusing for DS to have different 'rules' around this, even if he is told to ask DH before he does it, he probably wont react well to being told no if you usually say yes. Sounds like you need an honest chat on how to manage this.

I do get what you mean and I hadn’t though of it like that but equally given my chronic pain and headaches it probably hurt (in the loosest sense) me more than it would dh.

OP, do you think your DH may also have autism?

It's very common for it to run in families and it could be that his reaction is due to him being overstimulated and overwhelmed too.

I have put in place that he asks first

Is it possible to put a rule in place that he always asks before touching anyone? Of course, if he forgets the rule even with you and needs to be reminded, your husband is also going to have to remind him, that's just part of what's needed under the circumstances and there's no point grumping about it. Does your son get upset now if he asks and you or his dad say no?

As a side note, it's weird that your husband seems to be complaining to you about your son's behaviour (e.g., poking you to show you "how it feels") and expecting you to "fix" it; it's just as much his responsibility as yours to set and reinforce boundaries for his child.

@gossipgossipgossip

Maybe the stroking “hurts” (is less tolerable for) DH than you?

Lot’s of people on the thread have mentioned they would not be able to tolerate being stroked.

It sounds like you want your DH to just comply because it’s easier for you. But it’s tolerable for you. Maybe it’s intolerable for your DH.

Focus on a new strategy - together.

Sounds as if you need some parenting lessons together to better navigate both your separate and dual approach to parenting, and to try to both get in the same page.

You don't know that though, if it makes him really uncomfortable

Ds and I are both diagnosed autistic and yes I think dh is. Ds is very sensory seeking whereas I’m totally opposite. I’d say dh is a bit of both

If you don't like having your forehead stroked either than you should stop him doing it to you to.

"Oh but he's a disabled child" - who will one day be a disabled adult whose behaviour won't be tolerate by other people and whose sensory needs might clash with other people's sensory needs. Helping him now to understand boundaries as best you can is a far better lesson

It also makes it sound like you definitely think your DH should just "tolerate" it which is going to bring you both into conflict

Yes I see it as a rule for everyone but because dh doesn’t follow it I think boundaries are blurred for ds.

i agree re making it my thing to fix

Sometimes with autism certain sensations can actually feel quite painful because of how intolerable they are. I wonder if that's what's happening with your DH - he wants to do the "right thing" by letting your DS stroke him but the reality is just way too much and he can't react in any other way apart from anger.

I know for me, there are certain noises I try and tolerate but in reality they just make me so angry (as they literally hurt my ears) and I have to remove myself from the situation to calm down.

All the points about the OP's husband not liking the face stroking are all well and good, but it's surely on him to manage that with their son.

The OP gave him an example of how she manages it, and instead of saying 'I'm not sure that will work - it really drives me mad even if he asks first' her husband chose to prod her in the forehead. It sounds like he is not communicating effectively with his son or the OP and somehow she is being blamed for that!

Tgats how I feel! And I was thinking may trying to help

YANBU. Did your DH apologise after? Could it be he didn't intend to prod you as hard? Either way to prove his point he was completely out of order. With your son as stroking your forehead, it's your DH's responsibility to have his own consistent boundaries. I wouldn't mind the forehead thing at all, my DH probably would, but I wouldn't advocate for DH like he is a child.

No he said I was being sensitive I’m going to have another chat later

So, you’re being sensitive to dislike it when he - an adult man - prods you on the head. But he is not being sensitive to get extremely cross when his child with asd and developmental delays strokes him on the head?

How does that work, exactly?

Totally agree with this

If your DH is too weak to enforce boundaries and sounds like he makes things worse, how come YOU get poked in the head ? He should be apologising to you and finding a way himself going forward to put boundaries in with your son

Agree with this

Honestly this just feels a bit mountain out of a molehill.

Youre an autistic family. It must be an awful lot for all of you.

Unless this is a pattern of behaviour I’d just say ‘I didn’t appreciate you poking me to show your point’ he should apologise and you all move on.

I’m not saying #bekind but I think it was just a moment of overwhelm for all of you.

Why anyone is defending your husband for prodding you in the head I have no idea.
It is vile.
I get he is struggling but so are you.

Calling him weak is ridiculous

Maybe your DC needs to find a way to manage it, rather than your DH. Irrespective of any diagnosis, that’s part of your parenting role.

Find something else for him to stroke that doesn’t involve touching other people’s bodies!