Is my friend BU?

[Daisyqueen45]

I took my friend out for her birthday recently, a whole day and I paid for most of it, including an expensive beauty treatment, which she asked for a few extras while having the treatment and I didn’t really mind but it did cost extra. I also got her a nice gift too.
The day was lovely I thought and she seemed to really enjoy it. I put quite a bit of effort into organising it because I wanted to do something nice for her. Although during the last part of the day she started to moan at me a bit, nothing related to the day just pointing out things that I have done ‘wrong’ in the past like forgot to leave certain things out when I once let her stay at my house while I was away for example. I left the day a bit upset because of this but tried to put it out of my mind.

I took a few photos during the day, mostly of where we went and the surroundings and one of her blowing out a birthday candle at lunch. I haven’t posted the photos or anything or shown them to anyone, just thought she might like the memory. I sent them over to her and she replied oh I didn’t know you had taken a photo of me please delete it. I said ok no worries I’ll delete it and I assured her that no one else has seen the photo. Then a while later she sent me another message saying always ask for permission before taking a photo. I feel a bit mortified. We’ve been friends for a long time and I didn’t know she had such an aversion to photos, I wouldn’t even mind her saying that to me on a regular occasion but when I’ve just done this for her, I honestly am shocked and felt the wording was really patronising. Should I have asked her permission? None of my friends have ever asked permission from me to take a photo of me and they often post it on social media without saying anything, I wouldn’t ever do that, I only took it because I thought it was a lovely picture and a nice memory. I also was very obvious getting my phone out and taking the photo, it’s not like I did it sneakily either.

I’ll never understand the picture thing but I have people who really really really hate getting into photos. I find it very sad but leave it (once or twice argued it as eg in the case of my mum I think it’s awful we or the kids don’t have enough photos).

On the other stuff it’s such a pity and especially when you put so much into everything. Playing devils advocate maybe she’s tired/ going through something but well done on a lovely day.

What's the challenging time she had?
I sort of get her over photos. I agree that you should ask first and she didn't have to comply with having her picture took, because you paid for things, for her birthday. I think things sound much more blunt over text. It comes across that you think she owes you and she couldn't speak her mind at all, because you'd paid for things, perhaps you came across like that on the day, when she's done the same for you, in the past. If you expected her to be beholden to you, the day shouldn't have happened at all.

I don’t think she deserves a friend like you!

Of course she would have known you were snapping her as she blew out her candle! It's not as if it was a birthday party full of 40 nine year olds! 🤨

She didn't like what she looked like and is blaming you.

For the record, I would love to have had a friend like you in my life.
I barely get a card from my own friends (grumpy post - Xmas born here 😅)

She sounds bloody awful, controlling and mean.

It is a very ungracious way to behave and I might say so.

If you need a new friend OP, I’m open to it! What a lovely thing you did and how poorly she responded. I think the unpleasant thing she did is to berate you for not doing more for her (and leaving stuff out) when you let her stay at your home. Seems she likes kicking you. I would definitely limit this friendship.

Did she say thank you?

You sound lovely, OP. Very kind and thoughtful. She doesn’t.

Thank you for all the replies, it’s made me feel a lot better about the situation. She did say thank you at the time yes. Before she started to have a moan at me.
I’ve not responded to her still, mostly because I’ve been busy but I might just leave it until she gets in touch now and she may ask me why I never replied and in which case I’ll tell her she has been out of order. I will spend my time and money on my friends and family who actually appreciate it in future I think.

Agreed OP, don’t reply. Spend your time and energy elsewhere. She’s been very rude to you, which is especially upsetting after all the effort you went to. I’d pull right back from this one.

if you see her in future you can explain you were hurt by how she treated you and don’t want friendships that make you feel bad.

“Friend: what is your problem? I arranged what I hoped would be a lovely day for us but you took the trouble to criticise my hosting when you stayed at my house and other issues, and now you are having a go at me for taking a photo? I’m hardly trying to steal your soul! I am sorry you are upset with me: I’ll step back for a bit. Take care”

Asking permission for a photo… does she think she’s Taylor Swift?! This is not right.

She sounds like a bully and a rude bitch.
Honestly OP, you really shouldn't be allowing someone speak to you like that.
Awful belittling behaviour.

Step back, drop that rope and do not spend another penny on that ill mannered cow.

She sounds awful

What a cunt. I’m sorry, that’s deplorable!!

I would delete the photos, and then delete her from my contact list.

I cannot believe any so called friend would act that way. First, the nerve of her to add extras to an already expensive beauty treatment is very selflish and tacky. Who the hell would dream of doing such a thing. Secondly, most of the women on here would just love a dear friend like you. I know I would. To pick on you about something ridiculous that you didn't leave out for her is completely out of order. I wouldn't care how generous she was - she is bad news. No way would I be the first to respond. You really need to be very honest about how you feel about this. You will only get one opportunity. Good luck. You are a lovey person.

Personally, I think I'd be tempted to text back, and tell her what an ungrateful cow she is, and that it will be the last time you bother with her, as she obviously doesn't appreciate you. She's a nasty bitch OP, and doesn't deserve your friendship. I'm glad the thread has helped you see her for what she is.

I would just text back “Don’t worry there won’t ever be a situation in the future where I’ll need to ask for that”

But surely she knew you were talking a picture.,.there was only 2 of you and you were holding your phone or camera as she blew the candles out?

She sounds like a complete up herself twat and I think I'd be distancing myself

You say she has been there for you but out of interest is that at times when she may perceive she’s doing better than you?

I had a friend who is lovely when you’re struggling but mean when you’re doing well. Thought it might be something similar!

Early onset dementia?

It’s hard to say with her, she’s almost always not doing well and is outraged by how someone has treated her and I’ve helped her through it so many times.
However, she has many times been there for me over the years also and I won’t forget that. It’s more recently that she’s started to become really difficult but then also lovely at times, it’s hard to get my head round.
She definitely has had a hard time over the last couple of years with health issues but I am starting to wonder whether everyone else is always the problem.

I hate having my photo taken and have also been having a really rough time recently, but I would absolutely never speak to someone like that or be so rude. Especially when that someone had just treated me to a birthday day out that would be extravagant for some people to get for their spouse, never mind a friend.

She's not a friend OP. Just because she's thrown money at your kids before doesn't mean you have to lie down and let her walk all over you.