To not consider this a treat?

[Helpmechooseausername]

I was having a 'heated discussion' with my ex and at some point I made the comment that he never treated me to anything. He replied that he treated me to being a SAHM.

It's really floored me and I don't know if I'm being unreasonable. I gave up my career to bring up our three kids, although TBF it wasn't the kind of job you easily could do with a young family (long hours, lots of travelling, unexpected late nights...). I had a weekend job in between having each kid and then when the youngest started school I got a term time job. I was lucky enough to leave my career via voluntary redundancy whilst on maternity leave and all of my redundancy money went towards the bills.

When I was pregnant with our first, we discussed the pros and cons of childcare/my being a SAHM and we both agreed that we preferred the idea of me bringing our kids up and not a childminder.

He's implying that I had a dossy time of it and that I should be really grateful to him for allowing me to be off work for years. I am grateful that I had the opportunity to be with my kids so much when they were little, but I don't consider it to be a treat.

AIBU? Thanks, I need some perspective...

But you weren't a sahn??? You had a job

YABU to dwell on this, he’s an ex for a reason.
Protect your peace, stop bickering with someone who isn’t worth your time, it’s toxic.

I was very lucky to be a sahm. My dh worked really long hours. It worked for both of us but I definitely enjoyed every bit of it and appreciate it was because he wanted to do it I got to have it.

He would never throw it in my face in an argument thought.

This has absolutely enraged me. You treated him to an uninterrupted career safe in the knowledge his kids and home were being cared for!

You got to wash his underwear and clean the house as a treat? Being a SAHM is a privilege sure, but not a treat.

Well I can see both points. It is a privilege to be able to be a SAHM (if that’s what you want, for me it wouldn’t be). But I also agree that you giving up your job enabled him to be able to progress in his. My kids are young adults now, and my ex openly tells them that the only reason he has a well paid high profile role, is because I worked part time for a decade (been back full time 6-7yrs now) and did everything whilst he worked overseas. He at least admits that my sacrifices has benefited the kids, but many men refuse to see this. He’s still an idiot, but at least he admits that sacrifices I have made, have benefitted his career. Not that I get any benefit from that, but all I need to know is my kids benefited from it; and they did.

My DH doesn't work and I don't feel like he's treating me to having to earn all the money tbh. It's fine as in it works for the household but it's a weird take to say I should be the grateful one. I've had a bit of a shit week at work (unusually thankfully) so Im probably being unreasonable.

OP's ex sounds like a dick though can see why he's an ex!

Point out if it was so dossy more men would do it

Go on then, I'll bite.

"we both agreed that we preferred the idea of me bringing our kids up and not a childminder."

You do realise that the only kids a childminder brings up, are their own?

He’s your ex. Treat any discussion with him with as much seriousness as some random bloke in the street! If he comes out with some nonsense you don’t like, well that’s just his opinion, who cares! It’s not like he has any impact on your life now, he’s just some random loser.

No you're right, sorry - it triggered me in the other direction. None of this stuff should be a competition in a healthy marriage. I more meant that if he was going to be crappy and use it to score points, then there are some on the other side too.

This with bells on.

Being a SAHM isn’t a treat - it’s bloody hard work for no pay in most cases.

I gave up my career to bring up our three kids, although TBF it wasn't the kind of job you easily could do with a young family (long hours, lots of travelling, unexpected late nights...)

This jumped out at me. No you didn't give up your career to bring up your kids. You gave up your career to facilitate him being able to progress in his and not have to take any of the home stress on. Please do not take that on as you being female and not having a dangly bit between your legs make you the lesser person. Many women have amazing careers the different being their male partners take on the home stuff as the dominant parent or become a SAHD.

How so when they both could hae chosen to get a child minder?

All this stuff about a man only having the career he has if his wife is a SAHM is nonsense, they would just choose childcare that isnt the mum thats all.

Not a 'treat' as such OP but certainly a luxury many cant take advantage of

But why you are having these sorts of discussions with someone you're not with anymore is a bit strange?

What?? Not sure many people can stay home for free!

I really disagree that it's a luxury, if it's a financial necessity? Childcare for our daughter would have wiped out my salary, so it wasn't an option.

This!

I’m a SAHM as it works for our family and I feel very lucky/grateful but I work hard and my husband would never suggest that it is something he ‘treats’ me to - that is laughable! Your ex sounds like a complete and utter twat - but - that’s why he’s your ex, no? If my husband said it to me, we’d have a huge problem, but you’ve left yours already so… does it matter what he says/thinks?

What if childcare and the costs associated with work are more than the person at home would earn? That was the position I was in (and I do work again now, but I've never had a career as such).

How did you pay for anything then? Rent/mortgage bills food etc? I was replying to a poster who said it’s an unpaid job. It really isn’t.

Are you forgetting about the small children requiring round-the-clock care? I really doubt the OP was sitting on her bum for all those years.

I’ve had 3. I was a sahm. I didn’t sit on my bum but loved it. Plus my husband went out to work and paid for our lifestyle. I was very happy.

When all 3 were at school I got a job. Me being at home with my kids was not a job.

Wow, what a charmer.

So glad you work up to what an ass he is.