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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not consider this a treat?

68 replies

Helpmechooseausername · 19/07/2025 21:35

I was having a 'heated discussion' with my ex and at some point I made the comment that he never treated me to anything. He replied that he treated me to being a SAHM.

It's really floored me and I don't know if I'm being unreasonable. I gave up my career to bring up our three kids, although TBF it wasn't the kind of job you easily could do with a young family (long hours, lots of travelling, unexpected late nights...). I had a weekend job in between having each kid and then when the youngest started school I got a term time job. I was lucky enough to leave my career via voluntary redundancy whilst on maternity leave and all of my redundancy money went towards the bills.

When I was pregnant with our first, we discussed the pros and cons of childcare/my being a SAHM and we both agreed that we preferred the idea of me bringing our kids up and not a childminder.

He's implying that I had a dossy time of it and that I should be really grateful to him for allowing me to be off work for years. I am grateful that I had the opportunity to be with my kids so much when they were little, but I don't consider it to be a treat.

AIBU? Thanks, I need some perspective...

OP posts:
BunnyLake · 20/07/2025 08:52

LTB - oh you already have. Who cares what he thinks and it’s probably best you keep communication with him to the basics (if you still have to talk to him). No need to have debates and conversations with him if they are not pertinent to anything current.

Yellowrose225588 · 20/07/2025 08:56

soupyspoon · 19/07/2025 21:51

How so when they both could hae chosen to get a child minder?

All this stuff about a man only having the career he has if his wife is a SAHM is nonsense, they would just choose childcare that isnt the mum thats all.

Not a 'treat' as such OP but certainly a luxury many cant take advantage of

But why you are having these sorts of discussions with someone you're not with anymore is a bit strange?

Show quote history

“Just choose childcare” is not enough with the kind of career OP speaks about. Childminders and nurseries are usually open 8-6, in some rare cases an hour earlier or later. I changed from a shift-based job after having kids for partly this reason - overnight childcare is not a thing unless you have a nanny or ad hoc babysitter and that gets very expensive to be paying for both night and day childcare (as you have to sleep in the day if you work shifts, or if you travel you are obviously gone both day and night). Even our standard nursery is £2000 a month for one child so adding in extra childcare around the 8-6 hours is unaffordable. Having one of us SAH would certainly help my husband and I with the unpredictable hours and travel for work. We have both had to decline work travel due to childcare before.

stayathomer · 20/07/2025 08:58

Very assholey thing to say but I do also think the ‘I gave up my career’ thing doesn’t totally hold weight, sahms are lucky to be such a huge part of their kids day while someone else goes out to work all day (was a sahm for nearly ten years) but no that wasn’t treating you. Someone above said it - he’s an ex for a reason, ignore

InternationalHulaClub · 20/07/2025 09:10

Did this come up because he has treated a new partner to something? These sort of discussions with your ex are never going to go well. Keep interactions on a very practical level wherever you can.

Bearbookagainandagain · 20/07/2025 09:11

YABU to argue with your ex about your past relationship. It doesn't matter anymore, you should both focus on your co-parenting.

janiejonstone · 20/07/2025 09:16

pinkdelight · 20/07/2025 07:14

it was an option, your salary would’ve paid for it and kept you in work, but you chose not to do that which is fine and what you wanted so own it. I hate the ‘wiped out my salary’ argument which always makes it the wife’s responsibility. The childcare costs come from both partner’ earnings and the idea it doesn’t is exactly where the ex is coming from. That she swapped her job for being a SAHM and all the money was his, treating her thereafter.

However it’s a daft argument at this point, OP. He’s your ex so will have reframed a whole bunch of things since the love went away. Who knows what he really thought at the time but it’s only going to cause conflict now. He may be deliberately trying to wind you up and if so, it’s worked. Better not to rise to it if you know you did the right thing, and forget about why he didn’t treat you, he didn’t want to and that’s one reason why he’s better off an as ex.

Show quote history

Sorry, but it's ridiculous to argue with someone else's life experience and say what happened to me didn't happen. I did not choose to be a sahp, I was put in that position because it was financially impossible to do anything else. My ex refused to compromise on his career at all, which involved him being out of the country for large chunks of every month. I managed to keep a very small bit of my career going by gradually building up freelance work by working at nap times and overnight when my daughter was a toddler, but COVID meant I then had no access to childcare at all until she was 4 and started at a local school nursery.

Fwiw I'm now a single parent trying to get my career back on track so that I can support my daughter alone, while being told by my ex that I have no claim on his pension because I didn't nothing to contribute to his career. Not being able to work for that long put me in an incredibly vulnerable financial position which I would never have chosen.

TheGrimSmile · 20/07/2025 09:21

Tell him you "treated" him by allowing him to continue with his career.

BleakHoose · 20/07/2025 10:46

Sometimeswinning · 20/07/2025 08:47

No, your partner was able to earn money because you stayed at home with your children. That surely is a shared effort and therefore both your money?

Show quote history

Yes, that's how we thought of it. I thought you were implying that I should have been financially contributing too.

Sometimeswinning · 20/07/2025 10:53

BleakHoose · 20/07/2025 10:46

Yes, that's how we thought of it. I thought you were implying that I should have been financially contributing too.

Show quote history

No someone upthread compared parenting to a job which you don’t get any payment for. I personally think it’s a team/couple agreement. My dh could carry on full time and we could afford our home and lifestyle because I stayed home.

Original poster
Helpmechooseausername · 20/07/2025 22:44

Thanks for all the replies! Sorry it's taken me a while to get through them all and to reply myself.

I definitely think of myself as having been lucky to have been able to be a full time parent to my kids, I just couldn't get my head around how he would consider it to be a treat when I consider it to be me doing my agreed share of the workload of having kids and a home together. It was what we agreed before we had kids. It just so happened that it was a very straight split of him doing his job and earning the money and me doing everything to do with the kids and home (including all DIY, decorating, not just the day to day stuff).

I've realised that if we'd not split up, he might not feel that way, but now he feels that he paid my way while I was off work / only working weekends.

I also realise that what he thinks is one of the many reasons he's my ex, so you're all quite right, I should just move on!!

OP posts:
LittlleMy · 21/07/2025 18:56

You weren’t really a SAHM, you’ve primarily always been a working mom surely? Gosh.

Theroadt · 21/07/2025 22:04

IPM · 19/07/2025 21:48

Go on then, I'll bite.

"we both agreed that we preferred the idea of me bringing our kids up and not a childminder."

You do realise that the only kids a childminder brings up, are their own?

I don’t think that’s the key point OP is making although clearly hit a nerve with you

IPM · 21/07/2025 22:16

Theroadt · 21/07/2025 22:04

I don’t think that’s the key point OP is making although clearly hit a nerve with you

Show quote history

I was a SAHM to all 3 of my DC.

And yet I can still see it's an ignorant thing to say.

If you can't, then that can't be helped.

Moira88 · 21/07/2025 22:39

IPM · 19/07/2025 21:48

Go on then, I'll bite.

"we both agreed that we preferred the idea of me bringing our kids up and not a childminder."

You do realise that the only kids a childminder brings up, are their own?

Oh come on. She clearly meant she didn’t want a childminder taking care of the kids for chunks of the week. Of course a child minder plays a huge role in helping shape a child. My sister’s has her son 8am-6pm five days a week.

OP, don’t engage with him. He’s an ex for a reason.

Shnuzzbucket · 21/07/2025 22:42

DorothyStorm · 19/07/2025 21:36

But you weren't a sahn??? You had a job

I had a weekend job in between having each kid and then when the youngest started school I got a term time job.

Sounds like a SAHP to me, working at home until dc was at school.

RubySquid · 21/07/2025 22:48

janiejonstone · 19/07/2025 21:58

I really disagree that it's a luxury, if it's a financial necessity? Childcare for our daughter would have wiped out my salary, so it wasn't an option.

Show quote history

Forever? Or just for a few years?

Spinmerightroundbaby · 21/07/2025 22:55

Helpmechooseausername · 19/07/2025 21:35

I was having a 'heated discussion' with my ex and at some point I made the comment that he never treated me to anything. He replied that he treated me to being a SAHM.

It's really floored me and I don't know if I'm being unreasonable. I gave up my career to bring up our three kids, although TBF it wasn't the kind of job you easily could do with a young family (long hours, lots of travelling, unexpected late nights...). I had a weekend job in between having each kid and then when the youngest started school I got a term time job. I was lucky enough to leave my career via voluntary redundancy whilst on maternity leave and all of my redundancy money went towards the bills.

When I was pregnant with our first, we discussed the pros and cons of childcare/my being a SAHM and we both agreed that we preferred the idea of me bringing our kids up and not a childminder.

He's implying that I had a dossy time of it and that I should be really grateful to him for allowing me to be off work for years. I am grateful that I had the opportunity to be with my kids so much when they were little, but I don't consider it to be a treat.

AIBU? Thanks, I need some perspective...

No YANBU. It speaks for itself as to why he is an ex!

Spinmerightroundbaby · 21/07/2025 22:57

Moira88 · 21/07/2025 22:39

Oh come on. She clearly meant she didn’t want a childminder taking care of the kids for chunks of the week. Of course a child minder plays a huge role in helping shape a child. My sister’s has her son 8am-6pm five days a week.

OP, don’t engage with him. He’s an ex for a reason.

Show quote history

I don’t understand why people are being so arsey about this point either. A full time childminder is in effect raising the child as presumably they are asleep for most of the rest of the hours of the day… Ignore OP. Mumsnet trolls!

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