To think he does this on purpose!

[Retinolismyfriend]

So I broke up with my a year ago, I was so lonely in my relationship that I thought I may as well be on my own. The thing is every week he is late to pick them up, like he wants me to call him to ask where he is. I was going to a concert yesterday with my friends and I told him it needs to be before 2pm, he turns up at 3 and I was late to meet my friends. This happened a few years ago when we was together, he promised me he would be back by 7 so I can go on my first night out after being pregnant and breastfeeding for 2 years. He didn’t turn up until 11pm, why does he think his life is so much more important than mine? Why does he get to just do this? I called him loads after 2pm yesterday and he didn’t answer my calls, when I called him off my daughters IPad he answered straight away so he obviously just wanted me to stressed. I dont fully understand what my point is here but needed to rant.

Control OP.

Thats it. He still gets to decide when you get to go out etc. because he uses the kids as a control measure.

Bottom line - he's a prick.

Others will be along with good advice.

You need to take a step back and remove his opportunity to manipulate you.

If you need to leave at 2pm, tell him you need to leave at midday.

This is a control tactic and a type of abuse, he doesn’t want you to have fun in his absence and he also can’t be arsed to parent his own kids.

If you have someone who can be an intermediary for drop offs, all the better. For example, if you can drop the kids at his parents at midday and he pick them up from there, then if he’s late it doesn’t affect you, but you may not have someone like that on standby unfortunately.

I just don’t understand it, why does he want to be like that?

Because he's an idiot

We don't know him to judge/answer, but in my case, my ex definitely did it as a way of trying to control me

Why did he want to control you though? What did he get out of it?

It's a control thing.

My ex was the same.

He also tried to take the kids separately so I would have no child free time at all, which is another common thing these men do.

Start telling him an earlier time, don't tell him your plans either, and don't call him multiple times when he is late.

I took to dropping my kids off and he still wouldn't answer the door at times.

He's a piece of shit, and he does it to control you.

He's a controlling dickhead.

Start telling him a couple of hours earlier than you actually need to go. So if you need to be somewhere for 3, tell him you need him to pick up the kids at 12. Then he still thinks he's winning and you get what you need as well.

Because you pissed him off with your rejection, he doesnt have access to you anymore so he pulls this type of shit to make himself feel better because hes emotionally immature.
Stop telling him stuff, put him on an information diet.

Stop wasting time trying to understand it. Just focus on managing the situation and minimising the impact on your life.

He gets to make you late make you stressed make you upset make you anxious try and experiment DONT tell him you have plans i used to answer the door to him in my oodie and pj bottoms clearly planning a day indoors he would be on time no early drop offs no late pick ups he didn't know that as soon as he left the oodie was off and the joggers changed into trousers although one day the kids did land me in it and told him I was out he drove past my house saw my car was missing and rang and rang and rang claimed the kids were sick and needed the hospital it was bullshit but it got me home and ruined my plans

Read WHY DOES HE DO THAT by Lundy Bancroft.

Free pdf online.

Stick to a defined date and time every week. None of this Tuesday at 2, Saturday at 5 etc moving feast nonsense.
You need a defined schedule. Your children do too. It's very confusing for a child to have these changing hours. They need a structure.

Please op. Stop wasting your time trying to understand a dickhead. You are not a dickhead, hence, you will never understand him. Instead, focus your energy on minimising the impact on your own life of said dickhead. Totally agree with PP, if you need to leave at 2pm, tell him 12pm. Make it work for you

It's just spite. Tell him if he isn't there at the time stated that you will not be in and you'll have taken the children with you. If he wants contact with his DC then he need to be reliable - or he can go to court for it.

I wouldn't tell him anything I was doing, or anywhere I was going - but if he was supposed to be collecting them at 2pm and wasn't there by about 2.15 I'd just go out for the afternoon with the kids and make it clear to them, 'Oh what a shame - your Dad's let you down again'.

A few wasted trips to your house to discover no one was there will either get him to turn up on time or to fuck off altogether. Either would work for me.

You didn't want him so he will force you to you need him. Probably a deeply insecure individual & obviously both immature and unpleasant.

You won't change it but understanding that you're not dealing with an emotionally mature adult may help you take the view that he's a child to be tolerated, and how better to play the silly game.

In positive news, you did the right thing & are well rid.

I agree with others, it's to control you. He takes delight in ruining your plans, making you late, stressing you out because he's an arsehole. I suspect he's probably always been controlling but you may not have necessarily saw it. Don't waste your energy on trying to understand him. Don't tell him your plans, and sadly that also means, don't tell your children either. Your children will accidently tell their Dad, and he's then armed with information. He doesn't need to know your plans. If you need to be out the house by 2 pm, ask him to collect them at 12 pm. If you need to be somewhere at 12 pm, tell him to collect them by 10 am. Don't look like you're going out either, wear comfortable 'I'm staying at home' clothing! The less he knows about your life, the less he can control you.

Yes he usually picks them up at the same time every week, however it is getting later and later each week some times an hour and a half late. He says I have a mental health issue as I have a real problem with time?!

Once you get your head around the fact you won’t know the why, and that he will just do it, you will live freely.
Plan for earlier.

Ignore his accusations. Children need to have people they can rely on and it's not fair on their mental health if they're waiting hours to see him.
From now on you need to have boundaries. If he is to pick them up at 2, he does. If he doesn't, he doesn't.

I don’t think it is that, he is with somebody else now and has been since we split, he should just be happy in his new relationship instead of trying to get under the mother of his children’s skin

I think it’s total arrogance for someone to think you will wait for them .
You are need to lie in future, to allow for his lack of respect and manners .

Logically that would make sense but logic doesn’t come into it. He is controlling you and enjoying it.

I’d tell him he needs to pick the DC up at X time as you need to go somewhere. If he’s not there, you’ll have to take the DC and you won’t be back for hours.

As others said it’s control

just tell him to come an hour earlier

How frustrating. I would get a member of my family to come over at the arranged pick up time and go out as planned. When he does eventually turn up then grandma or whoever can pass the children over to him. It's because he doesn't want you to go out and have fun, sad little man. By doing that he'll lose all the power and hopefully realise that it makes no difference to you as you're still out.