To think he does this on purpose!

[Retinolismyfriend]

So I broke up with my a year ago, I was so lonely in my relationship that I thought I may as well be on my own. The thing is every week he is late to pick them up, like he wants me to call him to ask where he is. I was going to a concert yesterday with my friends and I told him it needs to be before 2pm, he turns up at 3 and I was late to meet my friends. This happened a few years ago when we was together, he promised me he would be back by 7 so I can go on my first night out after being pregnant and breastfeeding for 2 years. He didn’t turn up until 11pm, why does he think his life is so much more important than mine? Why does he get to just do this? I called him loads after 2pm yesterday and he didn’t answer my calls, when I called him off my daughters IPad he answered straight away so he obviously just wanted me to stressed. I dont fully understand what my point is here but needed to rant.

My ex was like this, started to out everything in writing, an email to confirm conversations etc I also keep a diary of every single fuck up. With a split, your kids need routine, they need to know who has them and when, and what time they are being picked up/dropped off. I wrote an email to my ex stating he was causing damage to the children by his cavalier and yes sometimes controlling behaviour. I was prepared to take it to family court, because quite frankly, I'd rather have them 100% of the time, instead of them being fucked about all the time. Thankfully he pulled it together and now if he doesn't give me 2 weeks notice, no schedule change will be tolerated. I did miss a lot of things I had booked or arranged. But if he was no show and no contact, I would just take the kids out, no contact with him about it at all. You need to be really strict with him and yourself and he will fall back in line.

You really need to reduce interactions. Inform him that if he’s not there within half an hour of all agreed times then it will no longer go ahead - he doesn’t get to disrupt you all. Then you don’t need to keep attempting to contact and interact with a spiteful ex. Some continue to be for years, its bitterness and needs to be firmly halted.

If it were me and need to be somewhere at a certain time I would adjust the time and tell him an early time to be there. So if it’s 2pm you need to leave tell him it’s 1pm you need to leave.

He then questions why I am ringing him and, well the kids are sat waiting for him! I think the 30 minute thing is a good shout and if he doesn’t turn up I will just take them out.

He has no reason to be bitter, although I ended it should be me as he introduced the kids to another woman 2 weeks after we got back from our family holiday! Granted it was over and I don’t really care what he does but the kids must’ve been confused.

If you're on a strict timeline can't you drop them off? And instead of waiting around till 3:00 for him you could have dropped them off to him at 2:00, or 1:00 if it needed to be earlier than that. Then you wouldn't have to worry about waiting for him.

Because it winds you up. And you let him know it winds you up. You're his entertainment. Be smarter.

Why are you bothered about his motives? The only thing you should be asking yourself is how to get him playing ball.

So as PP says, you need to leave at 2? Tell him it's critical you leave by 12. Or you take the kids to his mum's/brother's/whoever's house at the time you need them dropped off, and he can pick them up from there.

But his male ego thinks that you got one over him and need to be punished.

He is definitely doing it on purpose so as others said you need to tell him 2 hours earlier and pretend that you’re late to whatever or take the kids out once he’s 30 minutes late. Don’t tell him how important your plans are eg the gig. Act like it’s a normal pick up and going to Tesco or whatever. The more he knows you want to go out, the bigger kick he’ll get when you call him asking where he is. If you have family or friends who can babysit then use them for important days.

You know he’s playing games so play smarter or not at all. Not playing at all will annoy him most 😈

Well if the end game is to avoid contact because its too much work and eats into his time with the new gf, then That’s playing right into his hands.

You need to read 'Why Does He Do That?'. Logic does not apply to these kinds of men, but this will give you an insight into the behaviour. You need to protect yourself and your children from him. If he can't control you, he'll use the children as pawns to manipulate you. You might have moved on, but he hasn't. He'll be telling the new version of you all sorts of lies about you too.

I think the only way to deal with this is +4 hours. If you need him there at 3pm, tell him 11 etc.

When he turns up at 2, seem stressed.

This way he "wins" and you win.

Text dont ring if your calling your "harassing him" because your "not over him" boosts the ego text him something like

Your thirty minutes late again I'm assuming your not coming on time again (the again part is the part he will react poorly too because it's right there in black and white this is a repeat experience) if you can arrange to have a friend come over to "babysit" the children she can answer the door with "your late she said you would be here at x time!" Again giving visibility to the behaviour something he will not want

Once he cannot control you by delaying pickups he will find another way to piss you around

But stop calling him your just playing to his ego

Because petty little things like that are all he has left to make him feel like he's running the show and getting things his own way. Tragic, when you think about it.

Next time you agree that he'll pick up at a certain time, let him know in no uncertain terms that if he's not there within half an hour of that time and doesn't contact you/answer his phone, the kids won't be there. Only communicate arrangements via text and keep copies of all messages.

You don't have to bend to his whims anymore.

That sounds like an ADHD trait, not excusing his behaviour but thought I'd flag it up.

I don’t have ADHD I don’t think, I just don’t want my children sat around waiting for upto 90 minutes

He's obviously bored in his relationship now and wants something to play with. He is trying to control you. He's trying to punish you and to stop you having a life. I'm sure he's a sort of man who thinks you spend your child maintenance on getting your nails done. Any sign of you enjoying yourself and he's angry. Is it possible for you to drop the kids off at his mum's so he has to collect from there?

Pp was saying the ex might have ADHD not you. He's really done a number on you if you jumped to that assumption.

It sounds utterly infuriating. I think the only way to deal with it is to get as close to grey rock as possible. Minimal reaction to anything. Deal with everything as if he is completely unreliable (because he is) and just shrug and walk away whenever he does anything to get your attention. Pretend he's a writhing toddler having a tantrum in a shopping isle.

I would be tempted to laugh in his face and adopt a sacerine attitude gently suggesting maybe it's time he moved on from his obsession with me and how sad he needs my attention but this is in my fantasies and probably is a bad idea in reality.

Stop trying to understand why he does what he does. That will just give you a headache and leave you really stressed. He does it because he can. Because he can still control you, still call the shots. He can treat you how he likes and you put up with it. So stop giving him control. He must have loved watching all those calls coming from you knowing you needed to meet friends. What a nasty man….

So as someone else said. If you need to be gone by 2 tell him to pick the kids up at 12. Or have a middle person, your mum, his mum etc. you drop the kids there, he picks them up. Don’t tell him what you are doing, eg I need to be gone by 2 as I’m meeting friends. He doesn’t need to know that and you are giving him ammunition. Don’t make plans for immediately after pickup. Don’t ring him if he doesn’t turn up, give him half an hour then take the kids out. Take away the control. If he starts ringing you ignore it. When you do finally answer say something like oh you didn’t turn up so I took the kids out. We did wait a while…. Take back control but never let him know you are!

For the next 3 months stop arranging things when you don’t have them and instead go out with the kids if he’s not there on time.

don’t communicate with him at all, don’t call, don’t pester.

one line, the same one every time ‘you’re not here so we’ve gone out, your next arranged time is X. See you then’

He has been like this from the start, and to be honest looking back he was this selfish when we were together.

I think he likes the fact that I call him as he says what are you mithering me for like I have no reason to call him other than I am madly in love with him! Anyway that will stop.

The mother of my husbands kids used to be a dick by always being late picking them up. Try not to rely on him being on time so if he is late just go out with the kids so when he turns up youre not there or something. Sounds petty but he needs to know how it feels

I find it terrible really as it is only the kids they are letting down, obviously they don’t see that

Ahh sorry, I read that wrong

Is the new gf wanting kids, if so he'll do the same to her once she's realised what a twat he is then he'll leave you alone.

She has one of her own who is high school age