He should tell his ex about me

[pinkpurplegreenyellow]

I’ve been with my partner for 18 months and knew him for seven years prior to this as we met at work and remained work associates/friends since .

He has a 7 yr old son and his ex partner absolutely hates me. I’m not the reason they split up and they were over and he left their home long before me and him became a thing.

I’d never met her despite me wanting to because she just didn’t ever wanted to meet me. It was a year after they split up that me and him got close and became a thing. Just making sure that is very clear - I am not the reason for they break up. I was not even into him then.

Anyway, I met his kid. I wasn’t introduced as a partner, but just as his friend, which I was okay with. His ex found out about this and was angry. Didn’t want her son to meet me or be around me and stopped DP from seeing his child for a while.

This is a common theme with her, if he does something to annoy her she will stop him from seeing their son.

However, the last time she did that he backed off for awhile and so she hasn’t really done this since, because I think she realises that if she pushes him too far, he will go . He’s a good dad has his child half the week and does genuinely try to just coparent civilly.

My issue is, since she stopped him from seeing their son after she found out about me, DP doesn’t bring his son anywhere around me - the child is not allowed to know I even exist in case he tells his mum. To the point of he had to borrow my car and he was outside of my house with his son, but I had to basically hide so his son would not see me.

At this point it I’m finding it really upsetting. He is hoping to take this to court this year but things have been getting better with his ex and she hasn’t been withholding contact with their son, so he hasn’t.

I’ve asked him can he have the conversation with her by December this year? That would be coming up to 2 years that we have been together which I don’t think is unreasonable.

I think I’m getting a bit more upset because I’ve always wanted to have a family unit. I have a 10-year-old DS who would love to have company of another kid when he’s at my house. He has stepsiblings on his dad side so his dad’s house is the super fun house whereas mine is just boring.

My DS is with me for the first half of the holidays as is my DP’s son so I am not going to see my DP for half the holidays because his son is not allowed to know that I exist even as a friend .

I don’t know if I am asking for too much at this point and I just have to be patient but I’m finding it hard because why is she still able to dictate things. I asked for a kind of timeline of when he will say something to her and he’s not able to give me an answer. I doubt he’s going to take this to court, especially as she seems to want to be offloading their son more and more onto him and she’s starting work now so she will need the childcare from him.

I’ve said that this is great leverage because some weeks he’ll be having their son more than half the week because she needs him to and he’s happy to do it but surely he could say my partner may be around or my female friend may be around at times to help if I need to work or run out.

AIBU to want him to tell him ex or is 18 months not long enough and he needs to tell her.

Honestly, I would back off and let him deal with his ex and co-parenting as he sees fit. Stop thinking about blending families, his child doesn't have to provide company for yours, I expect he just wants to spend time with his dad. Either accept that you're dating and don't need to spend time with each others children or move on. If you try and interfere and tell him what you think he should do, it won't end well.

Id ask how he would feel if you reached out to her directly myself and confront the situation head on. Maybe she sees you as a threat so take the threat away.

I totally agree with this.

His ex, his child, his choice.

If you’re not happy with that you don’t have to stay.

But it's not his choice. The mother's a contact withholding twat.

You can't hold a child hostage from the other parent because you've got the arse they've got a girlfriend (who poses no concern re safety etc)

It needs to go to court.

He needs to go to court. If he's not willing then you have no future and so I'd cut ties. You need to have that conversation with him and stick to it. It's not fair the ex is holding him hostage and it's also not fair your hidden away like a dirty secret

Another vote for backing off.. the kid doesn't see his dad everyday. Let them have that time. It doesn't last forever and if everything is working well, I wouldn't rock the boat . That's the compromise when you get with a guy with children

I wouldn't be happy being a secret from his ex after almost 2 years either OP. However I understand why he's reluctant to tell his ex you too are together as look at how she reacted when she thought you was just friends? She'll absolutely hit the roof and start withholding the child again. I would tell him he needs to get a child arrangements order regardless of things getting better with his ex because yes things are better because she thinks he's single but minute that changes she'll go exactly back to how she was. If he won't take her to court I'd leave the relationship as that's not a way I'd like to live.

Agree with others to let him sort it out. I would also like to add something, which I'm not saying this is the situation with you, just wanted to give my perspective. My stbx husband had an affair and his new partner thought that we had been separated for a full year before she had started a relationship with him. It turned out there had been at least six months where he had been taking his wedding ring off on the way to work and then putting it on on the train home. She found out the truth at the same time as I did, and promptly broke up with him and apologised to me. My ex still maintains that he did nothing wrong because he had already "emotionally left" our marriage, long before he informed me of that.

So I would just caution that the timeline here may be different from the perspective of his ex. Even if in his mind there was clear water between the two of you, that might not be her experience.

This.

It's up to your dp how he handles this. Let him take it to court, get court ordered access, or not. In his own time.

If you aren't happy with how he handles it, stop seeing him.

What about this situation makes you think it is a good idea to keep seeing him?

Your partner hasn't tackled his ex over withholding contact, has pandered to her and hasn't taken the matter to Court in 18 months. He isn't going to deal with this now or in the future. Your partner may be a good Dad, and to a degree I understand him not wanting to 'rock the boat', with his ex but realistically he can't have a relationship and expect a partner to put up with this long-term. His life is being dictated to him by his ex, because she doesn't like the fact he's moved on, so is using their son as a weapon to beat him with and control him. She's a bitch. He's weak. I don't see this improving, and I'd end the relationship with him, before you get any deeper involved. You can't change the situation, only your partner can, and he's unwilling to do so.

As the child is only 7, I think you will have a problem with this for a long time. Do you really think his ex will feel differently by December? I doubt it. It is all hassle that you don’t need.

If he wanted to, he would.

If he wanted to see you more, with or without his DC, he would.

If he wanted to have court-ordered time with his DC so his ex couldn’t mess him about, he would.

If he wanted to meet your deadlines/expectations/timeline, he would.

He just doesn’t want to.

And that is his choice. It is HIS choice to continue playing by her rules rather than going to court. That is completely and utterly his decision.

Deep inside, I know I need to chuck this one back in the sea. He doesn’t have any plans to tell his ex that we are together. And she can be real crazy I have seen it for myself - suspected BPD. I think I do forget that I’m not dealing with a normal ex. He does just want an easy life why he spoken about going to court now that she is not withholding access and he’s having him half the week again, court isn’t a priority to him. This isn’t working for me though, but it’s hard to end it over this.

This is why problems often arise when ex’s get a new girlfriend. The men dont actually want the bother or change, but it looks bad to the new women

I do think though 18 months seems early to introduce you to his child. I would say at least 2 years before you meet each others children.
Regardless of that he's not going to rock the boat with his ex, he wants access to his son which he's a good dad.
Less good partner as he won't make things easier for you. He's probably worried about ex kicking off if he goes to court but he should be doing so anyway.
Talk to him, tell him it's a deal breaker for you. His response will tell you what you need to know.

By 18 months you should be discussing what your longer term future together looks like.
He’s still dating you and you’re not a priority. Nor will you be anytime soon with the ex behaving as she is.
You’re far more invested in this than he is.
Leave before you waste any more time and find someone who actually wants commitment and a relationship.

It shouldn't be because you are clearly not a priority in his life if he can't be arsed to go to court. You deserve to be the priority to your partner (after the children ofcourse but rhis wasn't the case here with loony ex). You dodged a bullet because this will be an ongoing shitshow for many years.

However, the last time she did that he backed off for awhile and so she hasn’t really done this since, because I think she realises that if she pushes him too far, he will go . He’s a good dad has his child half the week and does genuinely try to just coparent civilly.

A 'good dad' doesn't back off from seeing his DC because he's been 'pushed'.

He should've taken this to court long ago.

It's a shit show and not one I think you or your child should have to be involved with.

Your husband is a total wimp.

You don't need to be having chats with the ex or meeting her. She's nothing to do with you.

Your husband needs to be stepping up and sorting our consistent access to his son. No court would ever enforce not allowing his son to be around his partner.

I have no idea why you would put up with someone this pathetic.

Oh, his ex is crazy. That explains everything. Funny how often that happens, isn’t it. Can’t think why.

His ex is a batshit crazy bunny boiler who still wants to control his life. I don’t really get why you’d want to meet up with her and get on with her, it will never happen.

The emotional torture of the child (by preventing him from seeing his father on a whim) proves what a terrible mother she is. In an ideal world you could go to court and get it all sorted, but of course they know how expensive and time consuming that is and take advantage of it.

A typical MN man-hater response, rushing to blame the victim when it’s a man.

You can’t just book an appointment at a court in Monday morning for free and have it all sorted out by Tuesday afternoon. Any court process would take months, and the other party knows this, so as soon as it gets to that stage, they just back off. They’re more than capable of gaming the system.

But is she really?.it is what he tells you but you don't really know what happens between them. If he wanted it sorted he would go to court and sort it? Its a bit of a red flag i think