He should tell his ex about me

[pinkpurplegreenyellow]

I’ve been with my partner for 18 months and knew him for seven years prior to this as we met at work and remained work associates/friends since .

He has a 7 yr old son and his ex partner absolutely hates me. I’m not the reason they split up and they were over and he left their home long before me and him became a thing.

I’d never met her despite me wanting to because she just didn’t ever wanted to meet me. It was a year after they split up that me and him got close and became a thing. Just making sure that is very clear - I am not the reason for they break up. I was not even into him then.

Anyway, I met his kid. I wasn’t introduced as a partner, but just as his friend, which I was okay with. His ex found out about this and was angry. Didn’t want her son to meet me or be around me and stopped DP from seeing his child for a while.

This is a common theme with her, if he does something to annoy her she will stop him from seeing their son.

However, the last time she did that he backed off for awhile and so she hasn’t really done this since, because I think she realises that if she pushes him too far, he will go . He’s a good dad has his child half the week and does genuinely try to just coparent civilly.

My issue is, since she stopped him from seeing their son after she found out about me, DP doesn’t bring his son anywhere around me - the child is not allowed to know I even exist in case he tells his mum. To the point of he had to borrow my car and he was outside of my house with his son, but I had to basically hide so his son would not see me.

At this point it I’m finding it really upsetting. He is hoping to take this to court this year but things have been getting better with his ex and she hasn’t been withholding contact with their son, so he hasn’t.

I’ve asked him can he have the conversation with her by December this year? That would be coming up to 2 years that we have been together which I don’t think is unreasonable.

I think I’m getting a bit more upset because I’ve always wanted to have a family unit. I have a 10-year-old DS who would love to have company of another kid when he’s at my house. He has stepsiblings on his dad side so his dad’s house is the super fun house whereas mine is just boring.

My DS is with me for the first half of the holidays as is my DP’s son so I am not going to see my DP for half the holidays because his son is not allowed to know that I exist even as a friend .

I don’t know if I am asking for too much at this point and I just have to be patient but I’m finding it hard because why is she still able to dictate things. I asked for a kind of timeline of when he will say something to her and he’s not able to give me an answer. I doubt he’s going to take this to court, especially as she seems to want to be offloading their son more and more onto him and she’s starting work now so she will need the childcare from him.

I’ve said that this is great leverage because some weeks he’ll be having their son more than half the week because she needs him to and he’s happy to do it but surely he could say my partner may be around or my female friend may be around at times to help if I need to work or run out.

AIBU to want him to tell him ex or is 18 months not long enough and he needs to tell her.

To take this to court-
not expensive. He would simply make an application himself, maybe £250 or something. No need for solicitor etc
It would be potentially stressful/traumatic for him and his kid. He would have to let her know he has done it, at that point the shit would absolutely hit the fan from the sounds of it. I would not be surprised if there is then a period of no contact with his child. if it was me dealing with an ex partner with BPD and thinking I wouldn’t see my kid for potentially months while it went through court waiting lists, and my child was being cared for by someone really unstable I would feel extremely reticent to do it.
Once it was heard at court of course an order would be made in his favour, he might even get more than 50/50 if she is really that bad

he is not in an easy position and I personally do understand why he is holding back. He sounds like a good dad.

You say you've seen her "crazy" behaviour yourself but you also said in your OP that you've never met. Not wishing to be rude but just wondering what have you witnessed that tells you she's crazy? And how much has been told/ conveyed to you by your partner? Only because it's pretty classic behaviour of problematic and sometimes narcissistic people to call their ex crazy and keep their current partner and ex apart. This may be absolutely not what's going on here but it's often worth asking the question.

Actually, I’ve changed my mind from my post above, because I didn’t spot that you said he would go if he was pushed too far. If he’s talking about abandoning his kid he’s a despicable and you should leave him for that reason.

This with bells on. The ex is being unreasonable and controlling. She’s behaving at the moment because your presence is not being felt. This is not sustainable for you as a couple, and I wonder how she’d behave if it was anyone else?

He needs to get a formal arrangement agreed in court. And he needs to assert himself to his ex.

Now, whether you want to remain involved given all the drama and hassle that is likely to come with the ex, is up to you. Is your partner worth it?

I spoke to him and he just doesn’t understand why this is such a big deal for me.

Just to reply to some post posters: I’ve seen emails messages from her and I’ve been on the phone when they’ve been talking. We were also friends before we got together, so I heard everything before we got together and knew the situation. She has a pattern where she’ll blow up unreasonably and then send an apology a day or so later like a clockwork.

He didn’t see his kid for a couple months because she kept using his as a weapon - And she actually said he can’t see the kid anymore, then backtracked two weeks later when he wasn’t hounding her down to see him. since then, she hasn’t really used him as a weapon, so I do agree with his tactic. I know it’s not what a lot of mothers want to hear, but despite how toxic things went with my child’s father, I never once stopped him from seeing our kid.

RE court - I genuinely think he is scared of how this can turn out because she can lie do the fake tears and get people to buy into what she’s saying.

He now thinks I’m out of sabotage him because I’m not understanding what he’s saying. I actually do want to end it. This is too much for me. I just want a normal relationship.

There’s your answer then, OP. Don’t need the drama, and certainly don’t need to be gaslit by him on top.

What’s the phrase, not your circus, not your monkeys, or something like that.

If your BF had a court order regarding custody, his ex couldn't withhold his son.

Why won't he do something that's not that hard and in the best interests of his son? So it takes a while, it's not like his son is going anywhere.

Is his child maintenance also unofficial?

He needs to get his shit together.

Is this really what you want in a romantic partner, a guy who keeps you secret so his ex won't weaponize his kid even though he can easily fix that? A guy with a high conflict ex and lots of drama?

Sabotage? Oh, dump his trifling ass.

This. It’s an extreme reaction by anyone otherwise. Many men paint their ex wives as mental or deranged and they aren’t they have been gaslit, abused or lied to.

Simply put why is this man worth the drama?

You’re nearly two years in and you’re a hidden secret.

Also your house being the boring one because no step siblings is hardly a reason to keep this inactive catch of a man.

If he wanted to go to court he would. If he wanted the world to know you were his partner they would know.

He doesn’t and so doesn’t.

Also you say there’s no overlap but do you think she believes that he suddenly got with his clearly very friendly coworker and nothing happened prior?

Because most women or even men who’s ex suddenly date a close coworker will be told even by friends that’s they where clearly laying the foundations prior.

You also don’t know how he spoke to her about your prior to their split since she has such a strong reaction to you personally.

"I think I’m getting a bit more upset because I’ve always wanted to have a family unit. I have a 10-year-old DS who would love to have company of another kid when he’s at my house. He has stepsiblings on his dad side so his dad’s house is the super fun house whereas mine is just boring."

You just can't count on a boyfriend's child to be company for your son. You can't even count on them getting along. Blending families is a really tricky thing and your BF has a high conflict ex in the mix.

Hey op why not use the holidays as a time out don’t tell him as you can’t see him but give your head some space he will do what is best for his own dc before you every time do you really want a blended family with this nut job ex? I wouldn’t she will just fuck him around just to be spiteful to you. Concentrate on your own dc if this relationship fizzles out let it you cannot force this no matter how much you want to. Like others have said if he really wanted to spend time with you he would find a spine and do it. He wants an easy life fair enough let him.

If he went to court for access, not only would he miss out on seeing his son beforehand, his ex might start filling the boy’s head with hatred. He might end up with 50/50 but then the ex would be enraged, his son would be the victim in it all.
He is going to do, what he thinks is best, he is going to get annoyed, feel you are sabotaging his relationship with his son, with you wanting him to tell ex about you. Unfortunately for you, he is in no position to be in a serious relationship
You need to walk away.

It's been 18 months, you've both got primary aged children. I would keep this romantic relationship between you and him, there is no need to drag children and ex partners into it.

He doesn't want to tell her, and while this isn't ideal, this is his choice of how to play things. If and when he want's to tell her, he will. You won't see him sometimes because he's got his child and that's to be expected under the circumstances. That is his choice, don't force the issue, it won't end well.

Honestly hiding in your own house so his son doesn't see you whilst you did this pathetic man a favour of lending him your is so bonkers and farcical, it's unbelievable. this is when you should have ended the relationship.

Lending him your CAR, that should say