Siblings at different secondary schools out of choice

[Hannah881]

My youngest starts secondary school in September, he has a place at the same school that older sibling attends which is our catchment school (children are two years apart).
However he wants to go to a different local secondary school where the majority of his class friends are going to. He is at the top of their waiting list and so there is possibly a fairly good chance of a space becoming available before Sept.

Am I being selfish in wanting him to go to his catchment school, his sibling also really really wants him to attend there aswel and is quite sad at the thought of him not. The thought of them not having a shared school experience bothers me - but I also remember I did not even speaking to my brother when we attended the same school.

Logistically two different secondary schools can be done as there is a staggered start/finish time and he should have friends to travel with. I can totally see his point of view that his choice of school is more exciting for him and offers good sports facilities and his main friends will be there.
Although he will also have friends at his catchment school and we have had a fair few bumpy times in the past with these main friends - although it did seem to work its self out.
Feeling very torn as want both children to be happy.

If he gets in I would let him go to the school he wants

Of course, let you child go to the school they want. They might resent it otherwise. I've got 3 DC's who have each gone to a different secondary school. They have different needs/strengths. I have 2 brothers and we each went to different secondary schools years ago. Why should the eldest sibling dictate which school they go to. As long as it's practical regarding transport getting there your child will thrive as long as they are happy.

If your dc1 had really wanted to go to the other school, would you have let him? If you felt it was a better fit and his friends were going to that school, would you have considered it?

My dcs are at different secondary schools, they both travel by public transport so it’s easy really. The only issues are like next week - dc1 finished on Friday but dc2 has two more days to go, but then dc2 had longer October half term holiday. (Which of course dc2 has forgotten now she has 2 more days to go!)

What is the value of a shared school experience? Surely a happy school experience would be your main priority?

Mine went to different schools because we made a point of picking the school that suited each child, not making all of them go to the school that was best for DC1.

Different schools is really common in the private sector so it's no big deal.

Leave him to make his own choice. My brother was a year above me in school and acted like I didn’t exist 😁 they’ll have their sibling time at home

Yes, this is a good point

Op I have had 10 dc go through secondary school.. Getting them to go is as important as the academic merits of the school!!
Let him choose..
Your life will be so much easier!!

We actually tried to get dc1 into the other school but they couldn't get a place so went to their current school and settled in fine.

Thats good to know that different schools are more common than I had perhaps thought. Although dc1 reaction to the thought that younger brother wouldn't go to the same school was quite hard to see

I remember being exactly the same with my brother

The older sibling won’t care where younger one is! They aren’t a school baby sitter. Let DC2 make their own friends and enjoy what they want. Assuming the other school isn’t the pits and the dc can get there easily enough. Lots of dc go to different schools here as we have grammars and non grammars. It’s life and everyone copes.

Definitely let them choose their school as it doesn’t sound like it’s a massive inconvenience. It sounds like they’ve got a good social group and they may want to strike out on their own and not be known as your first DC’s little brother.

None of my 6 dc have attended the same schools.
Each dc was an individual and I looked for a school for that particular dc.

My siblings and I all went to the same school and have zero shared school experiences.

Can't relate to 'shared school experience' with a sibling at all even though my sister went to same primary and secondary. It's my friends who I shared the experience with. My sister had different teachers, subjects and friends. We may have been in the same building but very rarely crossed paths. I'd let your son go where he wants (assuming logistically it works for you as a family). It's nothing to do with DC1.

All mine will likely go to different schools. Two already are.

I know quite a few siblings who have done. Including my dh and his sibling and me and my sibling.

What is a shared school experience? Most year groups don’t tend to mix. His not his siblings baby sitter.

Much better than he goes to a school he actually wants to attend.

I tend to think it’s rather lazy to just want them to all go to the same closest school. No thought to each child and each schools different offerings.

You say in your OP that you want both your children to be happy but it’s a bit odd to give your eldest child’s opinion any weight in this decision. Your younger child’s opinion absolutely should take precedence, it wouldn’t occur to me to consider how the older one feels about it, much less let it have any sway in the final decision!

DS went to a different secondary and primary to DD. He wouldn't have coped in her strict, old fashioned school but absolutely thrived in the one he chose. He ultimately had emotional/attendance issues post lockdown and the school he chose were fabulous with him, whereas how they behaved over ridiculous things like shoes at DDs school, I know they wouldn't have helped him like his school did.

Are your sure the elder child's reaction isn't jealousy if that was his preferred school as well?

They may be siblings, but they are individuals first. If the same school is important to your eldest, offer to get him on the waiting list for a transfer.

I don't see why kids should experience the same school, if youngest wants another school he should go there. Primary school obviously tends to be the same for logistical reasons, but they should be getting themselves to and from secondary school and I think it's healthy for kids to attend different schools to siblings if they want that.

Treat them as individuals and let them go to the school that suits their needs and personality. My kids all went to different secondary schools and it led to many interesting chats at mealtimes

Yes this a good point, I hadn't looked at it like that

He’s a child, you’re the adult, you decide.

Your youngest will get to be his own person rather than X sibling which is a huge bonus.

If he is offered a place at his catchment school and you decide not to take it up, what will you tell him? If your reason is that you hope he and his sibling will have a shared experience, do you honestly think that will seem fair and appropriate to your DS? Won’t he resent his sibling for being the reason he is not at his chosen school? Won’t he feel less important and less of an individual? He’s not some add-on, bonus buy-one-get-one free kid. He’s a person with his opinions and needs.
Also I genuinely think children don’t thrive and learn well if you force them into a school they don’t think is right for them. If a kid is determined to hate a school, they will and the effects can set back their learning and friendships indefinitely.