How do you get over feeling judged as a parent to a ND child?

[Borogrover]

My son is 6. Being assessed for ADHD and ASD. We have had the police called to our house by a passed by before because his meltdown was so extreme (police very kind and supportive thankfully). Meltdown tonight and my neighbour knocked on my door to see if she could help. I feel like I constantly have a spotlight on me. I hate not knowing who called the police and that there is someone out there who thinks I abuse my child (I'm not disputing them calling, and know that if I'm doubt, calling the police is the right thing to do - not here to discuss that). I just don't know how to get over this constant feeling of not being good enough. Like people just see me and think I'm a shit mum (and I'm sure they do). They don't see how patient I am, or understand that I know my child inside and out, and what they think is the right thing to do often really isn't. I keep telling myself to grow a thicker skin, and sometimes I think I'm getting there, and then something happens that makes people stare, or comment (for example a hitting out meltdown) and I'm back to square one. How on earth do you cope? I'm exhausted.

I know it's hard but wouldn't it be worse if no one cared, if someone passed by, heard a DC apparently being hurt and just shrugged and walked on? Your neighbour wanted to help Op, isn't that a good thing

You need a circle of other SEN mums to talk to because they are the only people who truly get it. A good RL session of venting and sharing experiences will give you strength to deal with the people who don’t.

Definitely need people who are in a similar situation as the above poster says. It took me a long time but I've got used to it now and it honestly doesn't bother me. I've disassociated from a lot of people who don't understand as there's just no point. On a brighter note, it will likely make you a very understanding and non-judgemental person, with a deeper understanding of many issues in life. I feel like we see and understand more. As people get older they often say they don't care what others think, so it's probably that as well.

OP has acknowledged this. It’s the constant negative attention you get as a SEND parent that wears you down, even if some reactions are well meant.

OP - as a fellow SEND mum I can safely say that meeting other parents in a similar position has been the best thing for my sanity (and has quite possibly saved it). Solidarity - it’s bloody hard. You sound like a lovely mum 💐

This is a bit tone deaf. The point of my post is that I DON'T want to be in a position where I am drawing so much attention that someone has called the police. I have acknowledged that nobody was in the wrong in calling them. It doesn't change how it makes me feel, which is what I came here for support with. I'm shattered.

Thank you. Yes whenever I see a parent with a child melting down I smile at them and have a couple of times said 'you are doing a great job' when I've seen they are really trying and being patient with their child. I've always appreciated it when people have said this to me - it's like 'I see you' and I can guarantee they probably also have ND children.

Thank you. I think it comes down to the amount of work you put in. 3 hour bedtimes. Being punched and kicked (in my case only during meltdowns) and not losing your shit, staying calm and still being able to say 'i love you' at the end of it all. Money spent on specific foods. Sticking to a routine that is best for your child. The love you give. The patience you have. But bring judged on a split second, on a snapshot. I know, people are shallow. I just wish they knew. They never will though, so I am trying to grow my skin a little thicker.

I am sorry you are dealing with people like that on top of challenges with your own child. It maybe the helpful neighbour that's reporting. Or it could be another neighbour that dislikes noise and is trying to encourage you to leave by making fake complaints. Or it could be someone well intentioned who doesn't realise that they are making the situation a lot more stressful for you and your child and think you will be given "support". There's a SN thread you are welcome to join here:

www.mumsnet.com/talk/special_needs_chat/5331117-goose-carrot-pub-summer-thread?page=1

When that police officer turned up I swear my heart sank into my boots. I think he could see how shattered I was.

Sending love and solidarity. We go to a play group for kids with SEN and honestly talking to the other parents has been life-changing for me. The difference between socialising with mums with NT children and fellow SEN mums is like night and day. You sound like you're a wonderful mum doing a very difficult task very well and your little one is lucky to have you.

I’ve had 2 kids.

1st one really, really hard work until 0-7. I sought a diagnosis but got knocked out at the first round cos school said she had friends. But her reactions to everyday experiences were so strong they impacted normal life. It was intense.

2nd kid - what I now think is ‘normal’. Would sit still for a bit in a high chair. Played by herself for 15 mins. Manageable meltdowns. Didn’t control our whole life with their feelings.

It was SHOCKING that she was so easy.

anyway, what I want you to know is if you were my neighbour I would be knocking on the door with no judgement.

do you think she could ever be an actual mate? Or proper support? Cos that would be amazing if so

I do this too OP.

Knowing how lonely it feels at times I feel the least I can do is offer a bit of solidarity to other parents. Rather than avert my eyes. I hope they find it helpful.

It's bloody tough!

Things will get better though, they change and mature and the little 6 year old ASC/ADHD boy I once had, who got forced out of mainstream through something like 17 different periods of exclusion... Finished year 6 of his special school today with flying colours, his friends phone numbers, a shirt covered in their signatures, and notebooks filled with neat, considerate school work today. And a big smile on his face!

The meltdowns are sooo much less and although I think the right school setting and medication has gone some way to helping towards that, I think age helps enormously too. You will get there. Keep advocating, keep your chin up, keep talking about it, keep fighting. You've got this, OP.

It always helps me feel seen when people offer solidarity. I think if they tried to actually help it would make things worse. I think it just helps me feel seen.

I think you just get used to it/resigned to it.

And when you find someone who understands, you try not to latch onto them so tightly you come across as unhinged You defo, defo need your SEN mum tribe. Whether online or IRL.

I think it helps my eldest is 16 and is lovely, you would never ever know he was the same child who used to have very public meltdowns and drive me to tears so I know it won't be like this forever (though DS2 is so much more extreme in a lot of his behaviours, that also means he is getting diagnosed/help a lot earlier).

Also I reached a point a very long time ago where I realised that if someone is standing in the street judging me, then their advice is usually something utterly idiotic and uninformed like "He needs a good slap" or "Have you tried telling him 'gentle hands'?". You must have had a moment yourself when you've seen someone being overly harsh or critical towards a child, or just totally hopeless, and secretly judged them for it. I just overlap them in my head now - so I assume the person who would be judgemental towards me has such a polar opposite parenting style to mine, that I would judge them right back. Whether or not that's right it doesn't matter (I would not make any comment directly to them about it anyway). It gives me total freedom to not give a shit what they think.

I have not so far ever had an experience with the police but I do have faith that the police have experience of children with SEN and in my head at least, it's all documentation which will hopefully help DC get the support they need (I'm sure it might feel different if it actually happens to you.)

it's all documentation which will hopefully help DC get the support they need (I'm sure it might feel different if it actually happens to you.)

That’s a really good point. It’s my experience too. You could do without these awful dramatic moments but having gone through them they do sometimes help when you are trying to convince someone in a world of limited resources that you are serious and do really need help.

I think people react to noise . Anything from a child out the ordinary alerts people to a problem . Not sure what you can do about it . People are increasingly negative about ND children because there’s so many of them and it costs so much money . Not sure what you can about it though .

This 100%.

I found my SEN tribe online - facebook groups and MN. Loads of great support and advice.

My DS used to have hideous meltdowns. Once he tried to strangle me at a classmates party. He was 10. It was a full class party. That was fun. Not least because another mother took it upon herself to then call me at 11 pm that night clearly tanked and told me how he was a psychopath and I should stop feeding him refined carbs. (True).

But you are not alone, even though it feels like it. I'm not sure if this helps you,but it helped me..... one of our psychs told us that parents of ND children tend to be amazing parents. They develop organically so many skills and incorporate them organically when parenting their child. It's a whole different ballgame to NT children.

I'd also seek out as much support you can possibly get. Books, courses that local charities or the LA might offer (probably not LA's so much any more). I had bad PND and one of my total fears was that social services would take my child away. I had this fear from the second he was born- it was a bit of a phobia. He's 15 now and I still have that residual fear. So as part of managing my own anxiety I did as many things I could, paid for private counselling for him when I had to (we were lucky it was ad hoc) etc and documented everything so that there was a clear demonstration that this was not a child with a troubled family life that needed official involvement- this was a family with a ND child who were coping well and using strategies. I am a solicitor anyway so used to the need for documenting and also used to worst case scenarios running through my brain!

I have had a few people say to me lately 'You are a great mum'. I can honestly answer 'I know'. Because I am.

And it did get better. if your DS is diagnosed with ASD and ADHD this will open up many avenues for you.

Best of luck and hugs. It's a lonely place sometimes.

you need to grow a thicker skin and learn not to give a fuck. I have 2 teens with ASD. One with severe LDs on top, the other one with very challenging behaviours. It does get easier. I now couldn't care at all about others.

People who don’t understand will judge and make hurtful comments just making things so much worse for you and your DS.
As PPs have said linking up with other parents will help.
On a practical level you can buy, download or even make your own autism alert cards. If you are able in the moment you can then hand one to a “well wisher” or those with unhelpful comments and hopefully it will make them think twice. Handy for neighbours too some of whom may mean well.

https://www.autismwestmidlands.org.uk/what-we-do/alert-cards/

I learned to not care what other people think. This comes in time. If my son is having a moment I concentrate solely on him and pay no attention to other people. Their opinions don't matter as I am doing my best and with time and experience know I am good at what I do.

It's horrible. I once had a neighbour 'pop round to borrow a cup of sugar' as if this really happens. She wanted to check if I was harming my autistic son. It was one of the most painful moments of my life, especially as at the time I had no clue he was autistic. I knew nothing about autism. I just knew he screamed all day and night and never ate and never made eye contact and went rigid when I cuddled him as if he was frightened of me. I even wondered if I had harmed him, I was so sleep deprived and bewildered. Only NT DS1 trotting around all normal and happy kept me anchored to reality.

OP, I grew a very tough skin. First job is to decide never to take advice from anyone who hasn't been in your situation. That includes GPs. Next, meet parents of ND children. Get a group together. Hang out together, mix with them.

DS is now an adult and actually very happy and stable. He lives with his girlfriend, has a job and a hobby and friendship group he loves, and they are all neurodiverse - his partner, friends, hobby group. They all get each other. They are so close and at ease. No masking needed, except when he is at work. It is so good for him not to feel he is odd or ought to be different. And as parents of ND children, we need that same home territory - a good crowd of friends who just get it. Also a chance for ND children to socialise among each other and feel normal within that set up. I didn't have that. Nor did DS and we struggled for quite a long time socially because of this. But I did learn not to listen to advice from anyone whose DC were neurotypical. I think that's how I found MN, a long time ago, and chatted here to people who didn't judge and had advice and had been through similar. It made such a difference.

It's mostly the parents (well, largely the mums) it costs in time, money and angst!

I know the papers and the government would have you believe otherwise.

Solidarity, OP.

I felt the same when a playschool helpfully refererred us to social services.

It should actually cost more since SEN budgets are stupidly low. DLA forms such a tiny proportion of benefits received. It costs me a fortune though.

Thank you everyone for all your lovely advice.

"so I assume the person who would be judgemental towards me has such a polar opposite parenting style to mine, that I would judge them right back*

This is a really good point, try this for the people that are down right rude.

But don't feel bad for accepting help, it doesn't reflect on you as a parent, it is just people wanting to be kind. It took years for me to feel that being offered help wasn't a slight on me.