What do I do about daughters friendship :( I’m a lost

[Timegoestoofast]

Hi so I’m going to try and give as much background as possible and change names.

my daughter Emily is in year 6 and her best friend Katie is in year 7 at different schools.

they have known eachother since they was 2-3 years old due to sharing the same medical conditions.

I am good friends with Katie’s mum as we have seen eachother through a lot. things have become quite unbearable though.

emily is autistic and it is expected that her friend is autistic but has not been through any diagnostic assessment.
Emily is really passive, shy quiet girl who really struggles to say no.
Katie is far more outspoken and has always been on the slightly bossy side.
fhe last year Katie has turned quite mean to Emily- many fall outs and upsets over comments she will make. Calling Emily names and things like I won’t talk to you again if you don’t do Y X and Z.

I have raised this with Katie’s mum who often basically just said Emily is too sensitive she needs to toughen up - we have to deal with Katie at home all the time and laughs it off. Or will say “ oh you have your work cut out with Emily she too hormonal “ things like this.

the girls have been through a lot together and spoke to Emily originally about making choices of friends and not having to stay friends with people but she ultimately decided to stay friends with her.

ages ago before this all really kicked off we booked tickets to an event and Katie’s mum had offered to take the girls and the girls were really excited. I felt okay with her going as things seemed to have settled down and usually it isn’t in parents eat shot when things occur.

well during the car journey Emily text me asking me
“ is my outfit really bad mum “

I replied “ you look beautiful “

“ Katie keeps saying I look ugly and they should of left me behind “

a few minutes past and we were back and forth messaging and I asked her if she wanted me to collect her

she said “ no but I might have some bruises tomorrow “

I obviously questioned what was going on and she did she just keeps hitting me even when I tell her to stop.

I asked her if Katie’s mum has intervened and she no hasn’t told her off.

I managed to organise Emily being collected so she didn’t need to travel the long journey back in the car.

anyway I have tried to Katie’s mum again and all I get again is it’s my issue to sort with Emily and I neee to just explain to Emily that Katie can’t control her behavior we just have to accept it.

I feel awful but at this point do I step in and cut the friendship despite knowing that she’s may have autism and my daughter also having autism so I should be more accepting ?

sorry for title error.

So step in.. You tell the bloody dm her dd is a bully. And you cut all contact.

Don't say she's a bully, but definitely step in and explain to your DD the friendship isn't helping for now and you all need to take a step back.

You absolutely step in and cut off the friendship.

You need to protect your daughter.

The friend’s behaviour, if allowed to continue, could cause serious problems for your daughter’s self esteem and future relationships.

At this point I would put distance between all of you. You’ve previously spoken to Katie’s mum and nothing changed. The girls have grown apart, it seems like they are friends due to it being an obligation rather than genuine like for each other.

I would just start arranging for your dd to have different friends over, meet up with people from school and other clubs. Explain to your dd that she doesn’t need to be friends with someone who makes her feel bad about herself. It’s okay to end a friendship for your own wellbeing.

I know I have tried the gentle parenting way but she always “ forgives “ Katie.

I was trying to avoid seeming like I was banning Emily from her friend but I can’t see any other choice now.

Friendships often fall over at this age. I think maybe it's just run it's course and I would let it go and focus on finding some new friends.

This is the issue
I rarely actively seek out play dates etc anymore and distanced my self hugely but Emily then goes bit I miss Katie she is my best friend :( even though she is left in tears

She has other friends but for some reason as soon Katie contacts all is forgiven.

Then you need to gently talk to her and explain why she is not a best friend. Best friends don’t physically hurt you or make you feel rubbish about yourself.
I feel that your dd views this girl as a best friend because it’s the closest/ longest friend she has but it doesn’t make it a positive relationship.
Remind her that once she opens herself up to other friends then she will soon learn what a real best friend is like.

Best friends also change as we grow older, they can out grow each other and that’s okay.

A lot of friendships change age 11-13 they certainly did amongst both my DDs, one of whom is autistic. It sounds like this isn’t a healthy friendship now so i would step in to enforce a break and focus on other ways to connect with other people through hobbies. It’s a hard enough time to navigate but ND does add another layer which is challenging

It is so difficult because they have something quite major in common which isn’t something you come across and so I think that has been special to Emily to have someone with the same thing. They lived with eachother basically there entire early childhood hood !

Your child should not be near a child who is physically abusing her and the girls mum should be doing more about it. It's not all right.

My daughter is Y6, awaiting ASD and ADHD assessments (it’s the ADHD we’re sure of, but all the professionals are say ASD, maybe because her older sister is diagnosed with it). She’s had lots of friendship issues, especially this past year. She’s easily put upon. One friend keeps taking things from her and she’s upset every time but still thinks this girl is her friend. Being honest I’d shy away from any confrontation and just put some distance between them. Help her focus on other friendships. Thank goodness they aren’t in the same school. The other kids mum is awful though. If my child hurts someone (it has happened, though thankfully only once) I apologise profusely and make sure she understands what she’s done wrong. We’ve had to deal with a couple of incidents of her stealing from friends, also very apologetically. Sadly it doesn’t seem to work the other way though.

Regardless of how you deal with this situation you need to do a lot of modelling, role playing, talking through of what good friendships look like with your DD. She sounds like she's keen to latch on to the idea of a bff but that isn't matching the reality.

I wouldn't have a dramatic end or ban to seeing Katie but would not allow any meetings. Fill her time with other things. Especially if your DD is about to change schools. This is the time to teach her good friendship skills. It's so hard as a parent so I feel for you.

It is tricker with autistic ridigity of thought & black / white view points. Maybe focusing on how she feels being with this friend and how she feels being with other kinder ones. My dd does not respond to being told what to do but will reflect on facts and thinking about her feelings if we keeping talking it through over quite a few days normally when walking the dog or driving the car. We did have to slowly turn her away from a friendship age 11 which really wasn’t healthy & it was a bit like weaning her off a drug the power this other girl had over her but who was also nasty bully at times.

It's such a difficult situation to navigate. My DD has autism and struggles to navigate friendships, the one thing I'm always really clear on is that people who love us won't hurt us, the last thing you want is for your daughter to think verbal abuse and violence are normal in a close relationship. Put your daughter first and explain why to the mum, it might make you unpopular but your daughter is vulnerable and needs to be protected.

I would stop all contact - they are at different schools so it shouldn't be too difficult. You need to talk to Emily and explain that friends don't treat each other like this and if someone is mean and hits you, you shouldn't be friends with them.

This. Katies mum is not listening, her lack of concern for your poor DD is appalling and I feel so sorry for your DD having to endure a car journey under those conditions.

They are not welded together through their condition - autism doesn't make you a bully as far as I know. (and I'm not an expert) They are not welded together because you've known them a long time.

The relationship no longer working for your DD. She is suffering because of it.
Protect her and let Katie's mum deal with Katie, its not your problem.

Its the summer holidays plan some nice days out. Maybe invite afriend from school who is going to your DDs new school. She will soon find a lot more people to interact with who treat her better than Katie. But try to rebuild your daughter's confidence over the summer, new interests, new hobbies, connect with school friends who treat her well.
And put this Katie nonsense behind you.

Or just explain it to your daughter and fade out of the Katie circle. They've shown a complete lack of concern for your daughter and You don't owe them anything. Explaining this and that to them, will only result in them making more attempts for engagement, which will prolong your daughter's uneasy experiences with them.
Moving to a new school is an excellent time to make a clean break and make more positive experiences and friendships.

Now. You step in “now”. That friendship (not a friendship btw) is over. Whatever the kids had in common, they’re not forever bound by it. You’ve raised the issues, they’ve not been heard. You’re done - protect your kid. grey rock that mom or whatever the term is. It’s over & you owe her zero reason or explanation.

Absolutely cut contact. Protect your daughter

If you don’t intervene and teach your daughter about healthy relationships, boundaries etc now where will she be in 10/15 years? In an abusive relationship with a perpetrator who can’t help it because he’s got a diagnosis, mental health problem etc.

Absolutely intervene - she's defending her daughter too much. We are raising our girls to be strong and independent but there is a fine line between that and bossiness / b*hiness

also worth Bearing in mind that this girl is in year 7 and you've been saying it's been going on about a year. This could be a symptom of starting secondary school and your girl isn't there yet. You might notice changes with your girl (for the better or worse who knows) when they start secondary school too so whilst you absolutely need to call them out on the behaviour, it might be because they're trying to find their place in the world (not coming up with an excuse!)

There seems to have been quite a few of these posts lately. Always girls.

As an autistic adult I still struggle with how to recognise when a former friend is no longer a friend. It's really hard to realise that people have changed. You need to teach her by taking the lead.