Not to let my DD win every game?

[Caribun]

Help me out here, DH and I are at an impasse.

DD is newly 4 and looking forward to school, whether it's the change to her routine or the worry, or just plain being a 4 year old, our sweet little girl is turning into a little monster this summer!

If she doesn't win at a board game, she throws herself around in the most dramatic fashion and starts screaming and wailing with big fat tears rolling down her cheeks. When we ask her what's wrong she says it's because she "didn't win".

DH thinks we should just let her win for now (even though she's a pretty terrible winner!), congratulate her, and model being good losers ourselves.

I think we should let her win sometimes but also teach her that she can't win every time and let her experience these feelings and try to help her manage them.

AIBU to let her lose sometimes?

And any tips on managing a 'four-nado' would be greatly appreciated 😂

Also, this is normal, right? It's like a switch flicked on her fourth birthday and my lovely little girl who behaved beautifully, was a little shy but had appropriate boundaries, ate and drank relatively well and slept well, is now a shrieking she-demon, who demands everything "NOW", will only eat what she wants, refuses to go to bed and shouts at me at every possible moment, I'm exhausted!

Definitely needs a mixture of winning and loosing. And lots of demonstrating how fun that was even though I lost... if she carries on a couple of 'no I'm not playing this game with you because you cry when you loose'... should be enough.
Normal development stage BTW but flaming annoying and if they don't loose sometimes they'll never learn to loose well.

Does she go to nursery? This is one of those things that is really handy to outsource! We don't play that many board games at home but when we do our 4 year old will say things like 'it's okay because we can all finish the game so we all win' etc. and he hasn't got that from us. What I'd probably do as well is talk about the possibility of not winning beforehand and/or during the game, e.g. 'okay, we can play snakes and ladders, but you might not win, is that okay?' so at least even if she is still having the tantrum there is theoretically some previously-agreed-upon behaviour that she may remember she's supposed to be doing instead.

Don't let her win you'll create a monster, have you thought about co-op games where you work together as a team to beat the game?

I always made sure my 2 had plenty of experience of losing games from a very early age. Either way, my DH and I would model telling them "well done, good game!" We also taught them to shake hands afterwards.
Being a gracious loser (and winner!) is an important skill.

My DD was good at losing pretty much straight away, but my DS was less good. He then turned to blatant cheating and changing the rules to suit himself. We just started saying, "Then I'm not going to play this with you if you don't play fair." The message got through pretty quickly.

I'm also a primary school teacher, with a LOT of experience in Reception. And I can tell you, being a particularly sore loser, or a habitual cheat, won't win you any friends.

Don't let her win all the time. I still remember my horrible sulky cousin whose grandparents had let him win everything. The result being that non of the rest of us would play with him.

I agree to not let her win; my youngest is used to not always winning being the youngest and he manages disappointment better than his older sister who won much more

You'll be doing her no favours in the long run.

She needs to be taught that's just not how you behave full stop.

Not only must you not let her win, you must create plenty of situations where she won't! She needs to learn sportsmanship and this needs nipping in the bud immediately! Your husband is being ridiculous.

FWIW I know a 9 year old who happens to e very good in her sport, and is celebrated for it. However when she doesn't win something, even a daft game of garden swing ball, she acts like your daughter. And she is 9! All because her parents acted like your DH wants to to keep the peace.

My youngest was like this, unfortunately he has 2 siblings so winning every time isn't an option. Glad he learned to control his emotions around it at home though with us rather than at school with friends. I think the best thing you can do is model enjoyment of the game even when you lose but acknowledge it's OK to be sad/disappointed if you don't win.

Definitely don’t always let her win and, maybe have a pretend tantrum one time when you lose so she can see how inappropriate it is. Hopefully you can then laugh about mummy’s silly overreaction and she can learn from it.

I don’t let my DC win, although I did sometimes point out terrible tactical mistakes when they were younger or just learning a particular game.

They’ve got to learn how to lose gracefully sooner or later. It’s better for her to learn now, when she’s young, with you and your DH.

Have you tried looking into cooperative games? With those, everyone is basically working as a team to win, so if you lose, you’re all losing together. That can soften the blow of losing a bit.

I never let my DC win (apart from games like snap when they were little)
Learning how to lose is part of life

You need boundaries.if she can behave aged 3 she csn do the same aged 4.

Absolutely you're right!

I think it's important to let them win sometimes so they don't get completely disillusioned and it affect their confidence and as you say so you can model being "good" winners. But they cannot win every time or they'll expect it and actually it'll make the game quite boring eventually and it gets them used to false praise. So I think a fair mix is important. I also think team games are great for losing together.

I suspect your dh wants to let her win to alleviate his own discomfort having to see her upset and manage her big feelings than anything else.

I never let mine win at anything. It won't be long before she beats me at everything despite my best efforts, so I make rh enost of of my moment in the sun.

She's got a cousin who will play games until she loses and then immediately stop. It's a really horrible trait.

Never let them win. We are a big board game family, and our dc had to learn the slow, painful way. Dd was fine with this and is an excellent loser. Ds on the other hand - total nightmare until he was about 9 or 10. Got there in the end. You just have to weather the tantrums, arduous as it is. And do a lot of collaborative games in the meantime.

Welcome to the feisty fours. I don’t think it’s good to let her win each time and she needs to learn to lose occasionally with parents for when she gets to school and won’t always get her own way. I’ve been reading a book called growing friendships with my DD that had a bit in there about losing and winning. Perhaps get some games where you win or lose as a whole team such as Haba Orchard. Not cheap but great quality and we still occasionally pull it out 5 years later

This is one big issue I have with my son and DIL they always let their eldest win because she’s a devil if she doesn’t, her little brother is fine but I’m beginning to see it’s getting to him he often refuses to play these days ( they’re 7 and 5 ). Last time we played a board game , DS and DGD against me and DGS they won, I shrugged and said something like well we enjoyed the game anyway and she laughed and said but your a loser, DS and DIL backed this calling me and dgs losers. I found it hurtful in the end and pulled my DS up on it , only gently didn’t make a scene. I discourage competitive games now.

it’s sad it’s not how I brought him up.

oh let her win quite often now - introduce losing slowly and only when she’s in a good mood!

Personally I HATE games of chance like snakes and ladders - kids get so annoyed by them. My ds would hide the dice and simply declare he’d “rolled a double 6” as he assumed that was the best score even when a three would have taken him up the longest ladder on the board. And the wailing when he landed on a snake - awful!

Play games like jenga or that one with marbles/pulling ou sticks where losing is kinda fun (because the crash is a nice noise or collecting the marbles makes you feel happy).

Ds is now 6 and he enjoys chess - he’s in control! No more games of chance.

We have 5 kids and they definitely had to learn how to lose gracefully! One of mine was a demon too and hated losing, we had the tantrums but generally ignored and let them get on with it, there's not much you can do to stop it except not give it attention! Mine outgrew it once school started and they have to learn they're not always going to be the best at everything. Joining a football team also helped him learn how to lose gracefully!

I’ve never played a game to lose. I might not play to win, but deliberately losing isn’t something that I’d do. Very bad life lesson.

Are you playing games where you can't "fake" a win, like snakes and ladders?

I'd make sure you have a mix of games - some physical, some roll of a dice, some tactical.

Don't let her win all the time at any of them - help her learn that different types of win show different skills!

I didn’t let my children win and they didn’t grow up with any issues. No one is going to let her win when she starts school so she had better get used to it.

Shorter games such as pop up pirates where even if you lose you get the fun, and you can play multiple games quickly.
Not long games with final win/lose at the end.

Don’t do that. What a bloody stupid idea.

agree with everyone saying not to let her win all the time and to make it light hearted when she loses. I’m sure she’ll grow out of it.