Not to let my DD win every game?

[Caribun]

Help me out here, DH and I are at an impasse.

DD is newly 4 and looking forward to school, whether it's the change to her routine or the worry, or just plain being a 4 year old, our sweet little girl is turning into a little monster this summer!

If she doesn't win at a board game, she throws herself around in the most dramatic fashion and starts screaming and wailing with big fat tears rolling down her cheeks. When we ask her what's wrong she says it's because she "didn't win".

DH thinks we should just let her win for now (even though she's a pretty terrible winner!), congratulate her, and model being good losers ourselves.

I think we should let her win sometimes but also teach her that she can't win every time and let her experience these feelings and try to help her manage them.

AIBU to let her lose sometimes?

And any tips on managing a 'four-nado' would be greatly appreciated 😂

Also, this is normal, right? It's like a switch flicked on her fourth birthday and my lovely little girl who behaved beautifully, was a little shy but had appropriate boundaries, ate and drank relatively well and slept well, is now a shrieking she-demon, who demands everything "NOW", will only eat what she wants, refuses to go to bed and shouts at me at every possible moment, I'm exhausted!

I wouldn't let her win. I may temporarily stop playing games with her if she's going to behave that way.

Snap and Uno she's getting to grips with alongside memory games (turn over cards to find a shopping list/ match a characters outfit etc.), she wants to play ticket to ride so we've made a simplified version of the rules for her to encourage counting etc. Sometimes snakes and ladders or ludo but she doesn't like them so much.

Physical games like racing, bean bag throwing, skipping etc. where we clearly beat her because of sheer size difference (she's a tiny dot still) we give her a head start to make it fairer!

She doesn't like pop up pirates because it's random I think, we've tried short quick games and encouraged her to play another round but she gets so distressed that she can't then concentrate to play another game!

I'm glad most agree and she needs to be taught how to lose, by physically losing herself.

I honestly don't know what's happened with her behaviour, she was beautiful before her birthday and now the house is descending into chaos! She has an 18m old baby sister too and the two of them combined are going to kill me off soon! 😂

Don’t make it over difficult, but don’t let her win. They have to learn to be good winners and good losers through life.

Definitely need a mixture so that when she plays with friends, she can cope with the disappointment angle.
Normal to want to win but nobody always wins.
Has she been to parties and practiced being polite when somebody else opens a pass the parcel layer etc ?

Do you end the game when she wins or continue until a second place is determined? Do you think that she’d benefit from telling second place “well done “ and the third place person “maybe you’ll win next time “?

In our family the rule was always that the winner had to put the game away, to stop anyone getting too unbearable.

Prepare your child for the road ahead - not the road ahead for your child,

They need resilience in life; she will not win at everything and throwing yourself flat and wailing is tiresome for other people.

Losing is a skill and children need to practice it - you’re teaching a really valuable social skill by letting her lose. We always just did a breezy “oh dear, never mind” and cracked on with other things until the tantrum subsided.

Also joining an under-5s football team really helped one of my children, the coaches also took the breezy “never mind” approach and DS wasn’t going to throw a tantrum in front of them and his teammates, so that helped to normalise losing too.

Letting her win every time isn't going to help her deal with losing.

I'd be tempted to focus on coop or non-competitive games until she matures a little, though. This phase won't last forever.

It might help to do a social story before the game about how sometimes we win and sometimes we lose.

Absolutely not! She needs to learn it’s ok not to win.

I like the idea of three of you playing and either you or your DH throwing a tantrum when you don’t win! It might help your DD to see that everyone who doesn’t win might be upset but how silly if everyone rolls around wailing and crying when they lose, also it takes the shine off the win for the winner.

She and you could also model being a good winner and runner up, and be nice and kind and suggest another go and maybe Daddy will win this time? But it’s ok if he doesn’t because the game is fun.

The trick for us was not to stop playing after the tantrum. The tantrum provided that big release of energy, adrenaline and emotion. Then let that all ebb away and calm down. Just sit quietly nearby while she gathers herself. And then I'd say something like "I'm really enjoying playing this game together, lets get all the pieces gathered up and go again" - just super measured, calm voice, not really responding to the tantrum just keeping it cool. Then play again. And this time around all the energy has been released and the anxiety about losing has gone, and its easier for her to focus on the game. Give her a blanket and a special teddy or something to hold for the next round to help her feel safe and calm - thats what helped my DD.

There is a game we have at home where the objective is for the unicorns to arrive at a party. As my piece was about to get to the party before her's, and I'd see the fear welling up in her eyes, I'd say something like "wow I can't wait for us to go to the party together - I'll get the drinks for us both ready, and when you arrive at the party we can dance" and that would help her manage the feeling that her piece would arrive after mine. You kind of have to find creative ways to talk about the game.

Not easy though. I think also choose your moment to play. Don't try and teach these life lessons when hungry / tired / near the end of the day. Do it right after a meal or first thing in the morning.

I worked with a child who used to cheat/strop etc if they didn’t win so I just said ‘we play properly or we don’t play’ the message soon sank in
its part of growing up , learning that you don’t always win

Some kids are just more competitive and driven than others. My two DDs were like chalk and cheese on this.

We let the kids win enough to keep them interested and lose enough so they learn how to deal with it and that its ok to lose. Their very good winners and losers now. I was also really strict on cheating if your going to cheat you're not playing.

DS1 was like this at 4. Absolutely terrible loser, would shriek and throw stuff. He’s getting better at 5 - still not a natural loser but less awful about it now. For games of chance like snakes and ladders we just rode out the tantrums, there is not much else you can do really, you can’t engineer a win! For tactic games we’d aim for about a 75:25 split, so he still enjoyed the game and benefited from them, but got exposed to losing.

He’s still very disappointed now if he doesn’t win, but instead of screaming he’ll now just say ‘I don’t care anyway’ or something like that. So still not perfect but definitely an improvement!

I was brought up to win and loose possibly winning a little more while I was learning but I had to learn both.
My aunt used to play snakes and ladders etc with me and the winner was how the dice fell . She went to visit a friend who had her 6 year old granddaughter staying and my aunts friend said her granddaughter was obsessed with snakes and ladders and granny had already played 3 games that day.
My aunt laughed and said she’d play a game with her to give granny a break. My aunt played as normal and won. The granddaughter screamed and screamed, then threw herself on the floor with more screaming. My aunt was perplexed until granny said oh no she always wins , you have to let her win.
My aunt didn’t have children and only had me as a guide but said to my mum later that this kid would have no friends at school if she carried on like that. surely learning to loose is a life skill.

It’s not a stupid idea. It is a lighthearted and humorous way of showing the child how daft it is to tantrum over losing. Used it with all my DC. Obviously model losing in good grace too.