Is this normal these days? RSVP's

[Thisisntthowisawthisgoing]

I'm hosting a party this weekend. Very relaxed thing, we'll be around for the majority of the day, then people can come along whenever suits them. However, there was an 'RSVP by' date as I've planned a buffet lunch. So I asked people to let me know either way by x date, and if yes to let me know how many of them are coming.

15 people/sets of people have been invited:

• 2 have said yes and sent numbers
• 2 have declined
• 9 have said something along the lines of 'oo sounds fun, 'I'll check the calendar', or just sent an emoji but then not followed up with a yay or a nay even though I sent them a brief follow up briefly reminding about the RSVP deadline and asking if they could let me know either way as we'd love to see them
• 2 haven't said anything at all

I genuinely have zero issues just catering for us and the ones who RSVP'd and not for anyone else, it's not about that, it's more...is this normal now? Just to not let people know either way? I could imagine a few forgot, life is busy etc....but 11 out of 15 suggests that this is just normal and I've missed some sort of manners memo? Also is it now? Or has it always been like this, but I'm only noticing it now?

V similar happened to me recently. Those who didn’t rsvp actually did show up. I would always rsvp…!

if the ones who are hedging their bets for a better offer show up - tell them to go away because you haven't catered for them?

In the military i learned 2 valuable sentences. One was "nil returns are required" which you can enforce in the military but not in civilian life. The other was "nil returns will be counted as no"

So in future formulate your invitations, give an RSVP date and write something like "if we haven'T received your reply by then, we will assume non-attendance"

@Irishpoppy me too!!

I feel a portion will turn up. Just been discussing with DH whether to slightly over cater on the likely off chance we get a few extras, or whether to be a bit more @Brefugee and say 'I'm afraid we haven't factored you into the catering' if anyone arrives. Not sure I could go as far as turning anyone away, but if they arrive hungry (esp as there are young people involved, who let's face it, are always hungry!!) that wouldn't sit well with me.

We're imminently moving house so not even like I can hedge it and freeze the leftovers!

I’m getting married next month and I was shocked at how many people had to be reminded multiple times to RSVP! My own bloody father was like, “I don’t need to RSVP do I? You know I’ll be there” (I responded, “that’s fine, I’ll just pop you down for the vegan option…” - amazing how quickly he RSVP’d after that!!)

In your shoes, I wouldn’t cater for them and would send a follow up message saying “sorry you can’t join us” etc. so it’s clear that they shouldn’t just turn up.

I’d just message again saying if you’d like to join for food please let me know by x time

Can't you just text them and ask for a yes or no?

"Hi, doing the shopping for the party so need to know numbers. Will you be coming?"

Just ask them directly yes or no

I absolutely hate these people.they want to leave the door open for their child to attend if they have nothing else on but don't want to commit in case they get a better offer. If you "aren't sure what you've got on", you probably haven't actually committed to something else so pick what you are attending and reply.

A few days before specify that any such vague responses are assumed to be a no and you will cater accordingly, they will suddenly all decide.

I suspect the emoji responses are considered to be RSVPs, by the people who sent them…

People are flakier than ever. It's really bad. Sometimes I call them individually which forces the issue - if they pick up! I play it off like I'm at the supermarket and wondering if they're able to come..

If you enjoy their company and want it to just be casual, I'd overcater and send people home with leftovers
You can overcater on carbs which is cheaper than meat.

I think with catering a ‘relaxed’ garden day do you need exact figures? There is no saying what people will eat or won’t eat anyway so just cater for a medium estimate and if the food runs out (which it won’t) people will be fine anyway.

People are extremely flakey nowadays and seem to think they don't have to do anything on someone else's timetable. Selfishness galore

It’s really rude it’s same with kids party’s. I have 3 kids and I don’t remember it being an issue with the older two (20 years ago) but my youngest who’s ten I stopped bothering in the end as I found it too stressful.
posted by accident!

I would send a group text, - going shopping on x day, let me know before then if you would like to come so I can include you for food.

Yes this - and add “if I don’t hear from you, I will assume you aren’t coming”

I think it's so rude and I blame WhatsApp. I have a friend (who is a perfectly nice woman) who always does the "oh I'll check the dates" and then never does. Then three weeks later once the events over she'll be like "oh so sorry was completely overwhelmed and forgot to rsvp". Who us too busy to send a quick message saying yes or no?! It literally takes 20 seconds. I don't get it as I always know what we are doing at all the weekends for the next few months without having to look! It smacks of waiting for a better offer/ if they feel like it to me and it's just rude as leaves hosts in the lurch. Kids parties are the worst for this!

As you are moving soon, I might be tempted to message the non-responders "Hi Flake, sorry you can't join us on Saturday. I will let you know when we have moved and confirm the new address and hopefully we can get together at the new place".

That might spur them into saying "oh, but we are coming on Saturday"

Edited to say good manners should never go out of fashion.

Did you invite people individually, or as part of, say, a WhatsApp group?

I think this is the best response. It doesn’t sound passive aggressive or threatening (to uninvite). Once food is mentioned it should gee up people and you can legitimately not cater for non-rsvp’s.

I'm not sure tbh. Saying you're having a relaxed party where people can show up whenever during the day doesn't really work with an RSVP. People may be thinking, well I have this thing planned in the early afternoon, but if it doesn't run late then I can go to the party. Or they might already have plans, but they would like to go to your party if it falls through.

If you said it was at 7pm, and I had plans for 7pm that night, I could confirm the RSVP.

Personally I'd save an RSVP for a timed event, but for a casual party where I've said to turn up whenever, I'd cater for the number of people I've invited.

I think people are just really rude and flaky now. I had a big party for my 40th. I sent invites, then chased the non-RSVPs and then a few days before the party sent a message out politely asking people to reconfirm that they were definitely coming as I was using an outside caterer so needed to know exact numbers. From that, I think 7 or 8 people who said they were definitely coming then never showed up. We had so much food and alcohol left over people took home enormous food parcels and we still had loads of it left over for us.

I was really hurt as a few were really old friends. It sounds really mercenary but I was really pissed off about the food. There is a significant cost to any kind of hosting and it’s incredibly bad form.

@ThejoyofNC @CoastalCalm I did that yesterday, sent individual messages (@upsofloating I avoid group chats 😅) said 'hey I'm off to the shops in an hour so could you let me know how many of you are coming on Saturday?'. Had 2 further responses. So leaving it now, shopping is done, cooking is almost done, we're almost packed as we're heading up there today. Feels like too much to then further be chasing people to have basic manners!

@thesadwitch01 I can really understand the emotion, feels like it's not much to ask of people really. Makes me feel very despondent about my social circle.

So rude. Hope you get it sorted and have a lovely time.

This was my first thought. Especially if it’s something like a thumbs up or a heart.

Message again and say "Just need to know numbers for food, so if you don't respond to say yes we are coming I won't cater for you, thanks".

And yeah, they're being rude.

Just drop a message in the chat and say "if you haven't RSVP'd by close of play today but subsequently fins you're free to attend, please do bring along some food to add to the buffet as we are sorting final catering tomorrow".