AIBU to send my child to a better (yet further away) school when there is a perfectly good village primary.

[LaundrySmaundry]

Hello all,

We’re currently in the process of buying a house in another area and need to choose a primary school for our 7 year old son.

the village primary is very nice, has 30 kids in the class, with two TAs. There are some kids with challenging behaviours and some of the extra support is due to this. My own son has ADHD and autism, he doesn’t require much extra support but does find disruptions difficult.

There is another primary about 15 minutes drive that is absolutely lovely, they have 12 in the class as it’s a low birth year for the area, a teacher and a ta and they’re really supportive and nurturing. They are expected to receive an outstanding at their next ofsted inspection.

Would it be better in your opinion to send him to the local school so he can walk to school and have more independence when he’s older, have local friends and go to the same secondary schools, or schools I choose the smaller more nurturing school?

many thanks.

AIBU - village school

YANBU- smaller but further away school.

Village school

Local friends for both your DS and you - eg, local contacts who can collect in an emergency

12 is a very limited number for making friends, 30 gives your DS a wider range of personalities to link with

the village school has actual experience of working with children with special needs - this is not to be sniffed at. I'd take this above any natural nurturing at the small school.

Small rural schools are under pressure of closure in our neck of the woods so that's a worry.

Having had 2 kids gone through the primary I can honestly say - choose the best school you can for your child. Don't compromise because it's more convienient for you. Especially if you want them to be successful in life later on.

I drive my DS further away but the local school is part of a big academy chain and not a good option.

I'd go for the local school. For the reasons that it's more convenient and for local friends and you'd be more part of the local community.

Small classes are not always a good thing. Less choice for friendships and a lot of politics (my own daughter was in a class of 13, so I speak from experience).

Also, if the other school has 18 spare spaces, surely it's likely you could move your child at a later date if you felt the closer school wasn't working out?

Local school, easy for me. My daughter is autistic and would not like a commute and would have struggled in a class that small. The walk back and forth to school really helps her regulate and the 30 children set her up to find a few good friends.

An important question is whether the other school is also a village school, with the majority of pupils coming from that village.

We live relatively rurally and so all the DC have had periods when they have had to be driven to school. However the majority of their classmates were in the same position, and parents were all accepting of the fact that there needed to be lots of carrying children around to each other's houses etc. to facilitate socialising, and in the summer everyone tended to hang around after school in the park for an hour before driving home. So it wasn't perfect, but I don't think the children missed out too much because they were all in the same boat.

It's very different though if the vast majority of the pupils are all local and you just have a handful of children who aren't. I think the children in that situation are definitely going to be at a significant disadvantage socially.

Closer school all day long…

We have a local village school which is ofsted ‘good’ and a school 10 mins drive away which is ofsted outstanding. Someone on my street takes her kids the the school 10 mins away.
She has to drive whereas we have a 5 mins walk. Her kids don’t have any local friends and now that they’re at the age where they can play out independently they don’t have anyone calling for them and they can’t walk to school as it’s too far!
Having a school close by has made my life easier and is much better for DS.

How big are the secondary schools in your area? A bigger class means more friends moving up with him. Plus the location will mean that he has the option of walking to other people’s houses or meeting somewhere close like a village green to play with his classmates.
Is the school with 12 students balanced between the sexes? A girl heavy year could be socially difficult for a boy who is in a class with boys with very different interests. I also suspect that they will start merging years so they can employ one less teacher to balance their budget.

Smaller classes aren’t always better; we went for your option b, smaller class school, it was a nightmare, she was bullied and in a small class there is no escape from that. Moved her to the school with bigger classes and she thrived.

I was sent to "the school further away" along with a few of.my schoolmates. It was only 3 miles away and nothing to someone with a car.

I didn't have a car for a decade

I never replicated the close friendships I made previously and even local clubs were full of others that already knew each other and didn't need to reach out to someone they didn't know. I could go to clubs closer to the far away school but then I'd be whisked away afterwards and not be able to just randomly socialise after.

That pattern of social interaction has stayed with me all my life.

I'd say, do your son a favour and let him be part of the community. Particularly if this is a brand new community you're all moving into.

It's really not the same as having friends that you spend most of your day with, five days a week.

If the other school only has 12 in the class, he will have a very limited group to find friends in. If it's 50:50 boys and girls, that's only five or six boys, and if he doesn't like any/many of them or some of them don't take to him, he could have problems. A class of 30 gives him far better opportunities to find his tribe.

My friend sent her daughter to a private primary school, delighted that there'd only be ten on the class. It turned out that there were only three girls, and her daughter didn't get with the other two and got left out. My friend had to take her out in the end. It was miserable for her

I'd send him to the further school because of his special needs and you already have him in local hobbies so he can still make local friends

I would be wary of the tiny school. The numbers in a class are dictated by it's popularity - as is its financial situation. If there are only 12 in their reception class, I would be concerned about how long the school could stay viable with such low numbers. As for it's next inspection, no school should be saying we expect to get outstanding, how can they know for sure what the inspections will pick up on? It sounds like a struggling school has smooth-talked you into thinking it is brilliant.

Choose the one that most meets HIS needs.

How d do you know the class will stay at twelve? Why commit to a 30min twice daily trip when you walk to school. Think of friendship groups too.
The definition of a good school is extremely variable and subjective to the onlooker.

Village school. Local friends. More friends. More financially stable school. Also, just remember the local community 'voted' on this 2 years ago, and the village class filled up, the other class didn't even half fill. If it was so amazing, surely it would have attracted more families.

Have both schools offered a place?

I have one with ASD and I'd send him to the further away school without a second doubt. When your child struggles with distractions and disruptions I'd say always go for a smaller class, it's a huge advantage. I know this from my own son with SEN. It would be madness not to send him because the class might possibly get bigger in the future or because the TA may possibly be made redundant at some point.

DS went to the (small) local school which was walking distance away from us - but still almost all his friends were driving distance away because they came in from outside.

I'm currently in the process of pulling my son out of the local school and sending him much further away (yr 4). He has very low needs autism and dyspraxia, his class is much larger than your local school at 37 but honestly he has struggled so much with a couple of the children who aren't having their own needs met (loud noises, frenetic, disruptive, very touchy feely with him which he hates). He's started school refusing and is incredibly anxious. It's not those children's fault, but if you think that level of potential disruption wouldn't meet his ND needs then please send him to the other school. My son is still going to see his friends at the local clubs, drama group, park etc but (I hope) ensuring school is quiet and emotionally safe for him is so important. People who don't understand additional needs and neurodivergence might not be aware the level of impact that school environment can have. It's different to a neuro typical child, the environment can impact the way he emotionally regulates and giving him space to learn.

Both mine (boy and girl) went to different schools, both half an hour’s drive one way. Logistics was not the main factor in choosing the schools. We chose the schools based on their academic record as both of ours were driven academically and needed to be challenged. Every child is different, choose where your child with his unique abilities etc will feel best supported and nurtured and perform the best.

Also, distance had no effect on either of their social lives while they were at school..lots of play dates, sleepovers, parties, on sports teams competing at weekends for both schools…if it’s the right school, you make it work..

Are you confident he could get a place in the smaller school? Are you in the catchment area for it?
In either case I would go to the local school apart from anything else there are downsides to very small classes. Relationships are usually more intense, it could be difficult to find someone you get on well with and fall outs are much worse when there are only 11 other people in the class.

Definitely the local school. Makes practical sense and easier for you all

I sent DS1 to a small school with small classes when he started primary. Within a month of him starting they announced that the school would be closing due to those very numbers

I’d go for the better school. I sent DS to the local Village School as people were telling me, go local, he’ll make friends in the village, it’s so much easier all around, etc. Well, the classes were around 28 children, and he didn’t actually make that many friends in the village. Thing about kids is you can’t make them be friends with certain people, and of course all his ‘best friends’ lived outside of the village. We moved him to another school 15 minutes drive away… Of course it’s not as easy as walking around the corner, but the classes were smaller and he made friends easily. It’s never been a problem.

If he is neuro-diverse I actually think I'd opt for the bigger school, because there's more of a chance he will find a child or children that he "clicks" with in his class. If he's the type of child that finds social things difficult it gives him a bigger pool of children to potentially make friends with.